Lost in the Darkness // Billie Eilish

Part XVIII

I remember later that night, my driver drove Emma, my team and I to the airport.

And although we walked hand and hand, a man approached Emma. I could not understand him, but from what I assumed, I think he was flirting with her.

She held up our combined hands and spoke back harshly as if to state the obvious. He looked confused for a moment and another unreadable expression crossed his face before he moved on and walked away, rolling his suitcase behind him.

A new fear developed within me. I've never been an insecure person— when it comes to relationships I mean. In fact, I think I'm quite secure. I know who I am, I know I'm an attractive person and I know I've got a lot to offer.

But I can't help but wonder if someone will come along and give Emma something I can't.

Before I left to board my plane, eyes teary, I leaned in to kiss her goodbye.

"Billie, there's paparazzi-" she doesn't get to complete her sentence, her lips meeting mine.

Instantly she smiled into the kiss, cupping my face, and even lingering onto my lips when we inevitably pull away.

A tear fell from her eyes as she ran her fingers through my hair and leaned down to kiss my cheek, an intense feeling of sorrow evident in her actions.

"Don't forget me," she jokes with a breathy laugh.

"I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'll call you everyday, I promise. If I'm busy, I'll still be thinking of you."

I can hear the flashes from paparazzi cameras, a little bit of whispering and even my team telling me to hurry. I don't pay attention to any of it.

I have no desire to give them the time of day right now.

Emma and I go in for an everlasting hug, when we departed, she gave me a small, handheld journal.

And before I knew it, I was seated on a plane, headed to Poland.

As of right now, I'm in some crappy hotel room, on the phone with Drew.

"Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while."

"Yeah, I've been busy," I scratch the back of my neck and chuckle softly.

"I know. With stunning, older Czech woman." There's a mocking tone in her voice as she reads the title of an article.

I groan, running a hand down my face. "Oh, shut up. How many of those are there? It hasn't even been forty-eight hours yet."

"Billie Eilish Spotted With Unknown Woman, Billie Eilish Seen Locking Lips With..., Who Is This Mysterious Praguer? Oh, and my personal favorite, 'Is Billie Eilish Gay?!'"

I can't help but smile tightly at their tacky titles. It was a bit of odd feeling to publicize my relationship with a woman but it also felt nice to not have to explicitly hide her.

"You're smiling aren't you?" Drew teases me through the phone, excitement in her voice.

"Maybe."

"You're really head over heels for this girl, huh?"

"Lil' bit." I smile even harder, my cheeks beginning to flush.

"Proud of you, you finally got yourself a milf. How does it feel to live my dream?"

Her statement instantly makes me laugh. "She is not a milf. Like, at all." My response is followed by an amused snort.

"Alright, how much older is she than you?"

I tell her the number to which she replies, "oh, that's not bad."

"Told you."

"Has your family met her yet? Formally?"

"Kinda. My mom adores her, it's insane. I think it's because she's actually got her shit together unlike the others. I think she thinks she's good for me."

"Is she?" Drew questions.

"Undoubtedly. It's weird 'cause something like this has never happened before. When I go on tour, I have a few hookups but I rarely talk to them again after that. Even if I do, we don't keep in contact for long. And I don't fiend after people. It's the other way around. I practically had to chase her and beg like a puppy to get anywhere with her. I've never wanted someone so bad."

"Jesus, wow. It uh, seems like you're really attached."

"Dude, you have no idea. What the fuck has gotten into me? It just feels like I'm constantly yearning for her. I think it's because of the way she treats me, I can tell she actually gives two shits about me. Y'know, she like makes me breakfast and validates my feelings. Hell, she even helped me fixed all of my issues. My sleep problems, fear of the dark and going out in public. When I'm away from her, the world just feels so... dull."

Drew doesn't verbally say a thing for a second, making me panicky.

"What?"

"I don't think she fixed all of your problems... it sounds like you have mommy issues, Billie." She laughs.

I'm immediately offended at her confession. "That's ridiculous, Drew. I have a great relationship with my mom, you know that."

"I'm sensing some separate anxiety then."

I scoff, "I grew out of that. I haven't had that since I was like eight."

"Sure."

"You're stretching it. I'm just not used to being coddled, that's all. I've gotten accustomed to toxicity, now that I'm experiencing something healthy, it feels good. It makes sense why I don't wanna leave her."

"What's gonna happen now that you're on tour?"

"I'll probably be depressed, I dunno." I shrug.

"Hey, at least you're honest with yourself. And it's getting late, go get some sleep."

"Okay, okay. How much do I have to pay you for this therapy session?"

"Free of charge. 'Night Bil."

"Goodnight, Drew."