Lost in the Darkness // Billie Eilish

Part XX

Sitting on the couch of some green room, I lean over, forearms resting on either knees and click the FaceTime app on my phone.

My hair is lazily tied up in a bun, several strands falling out of it. My under eyes are darker than usual but I attempted to cover that up with concealer.

My phone rings a few times before Emma answers.

She brings an immediate, toothy grin to my face as I look down at the screen.

"Hi mama." I say adoringly.

"Hi, Billie." She singsongs.

I reposition myself so that my hand is holding up my head, an elbow balancing on my thigh. I hide my smile as best as I could in my hand, feeling embarrassed as my cheeks began to blush.

It was no use, because my giddiness seemed to spread to the tip of both my nose and ears.

I stare at her a good moment, feelings as if I'm going to burst out of pure joy. She looks at me similarly.

I can't help it anymore and break the silence.
"So you love me?"

She doesn't even try to deny it.

"I do. Do you love me?"

I scoff jokingly, "you already know the answer to that."

"Sure I do. But I want to hear you say it."

I give in, my voice lowering itself a little, "I love you, Emma."

"Ooohh..." Finneas enters to room as he hears the last part and reacts like a tattle-telling child.

"Billie's in loovve?"

I grumble and throw a pillow at him, "get out."

He dodges it with a smirk and leans over the couch to spy on my FaceTime call.

"Hey, Emma." He waves.

I roll my eyes.

"Hi Finneas, how are you?"

"I'm great now that I know my sister's in loovve."

"Stop saying it like that you absolute bozo."

He ignores me and continues to speak to Emma. "Could be better, but your lover over here has been grumpy for days."

"Really?" She seems amused.

"He's being dramatic. Don't listen to him."

"Nope, it's true. It must be nice, you're getting the best version of her." He shrugs and unscrews the cap of the water bottle in his hand before taking a sip.

"Billie." Emma says sternly.

"He's lying!" I throw my hands up. "I've been fine."

"If fine means, moody and angry and having the tendency to respond to anything to said to you in two words, than sure."

"Snitch." I mumble.

"Just looking out for you kid," he scruffles my hair and tells Emma to 'sort me out' before leaving the green room.

"What's going on, love?" She sounds concerned and it makes me feel bad.

"I dunno." I slump down on the couch. "Tour just feels more miserable then I remember. Y'know, I thought I had made so much progress when I was with you. Now it just feels like I'm going backwards. My sleep is shitty again, I don't like leaving the bus or hotel rooms, other than going to perform, and I'm just... less happy. I don't know how else to put it."

"Maybe tour just isn't for you. Being away from everything you know and love for king amounts of time isn't good for anyone."

"I love the shows though. With my whole heart. I can't just give that up. My team wouldn't never agree to anything like that anyway."

"Don't be so closed minded, alright? It's only going to make you feel worse. And if you feel worse, so will I. Most things, you don't know for sure. There's always a possibility."

"The only thing I know for sure right now, is that I have some moderate form of separation anxiety."

I can hear Nicholas bark in the background.

"Perhaps you need someone like Mikuláš. He's helped me a lot over the years."

"What?"

"He's an emotional support animal." She says, almost as if it's obvious.

"Oh."

"I'm not perfect. No one who willingly studies psychology is. Knowing the things I do, I'd drive myself crazy without some sort of stability."

"I love Nicholas and I love animals, but I need emotional support people. I'm a people person. And you just so happen to be my person."

"What about your friends?"

"They've all got lives of their own. Not saying you don't, I'd just rather have you instead. No offense to them of course."

"Why's that?"

"I can't kiss them."

"You could."

"Yeah, but, no."

"-Knock, knock." Someone taps their knuckles on the green room's doorframe. "Wrap it up. It's almost time to start, Billie."

Like clockwork, I become just a tad frustrated. "J-just gimme a second."

I try to resume my conversation with Emma but he interrupts again. "You've gotta hang up, you're on in five."

I apologize to Emma briefly and mute my audio.

"I still have time."

"I'm simply trying to keep you on schedule. We don't want any distractions. Say goodbye to your little girlfriend and start getting stage-ready."

I stand up and exaggerate my hands, "who even are you?! You're bossing me around and shit and I don't know who the fuck you are. Where's my crew at?"

"I'm in charge of you right now and what I say goes."

"What the hell are you talking about? You don't fucking own me! Go get my mom or something, Jesus."

On cue, my mom rushes in the room.

"You hearing this shit?" I gesture to the man.

"Billie, calm down. He's just doing his job."

"No! I'm just trying to spend the few minutes I have to spare in my day with my girlfriend and this prick won't leave me alone."

"Billie-" she places a hand on my shoulder.

"Mom, I don't know him. I'm not listening to whatever he has to say. Especially when he's being fucking rude about it."

My mom turns to the random man, whose name I don't know and don't care to know. "Please, just give her a break. She's having a rough time right now."

"Yep. Whatever." He replies with a hopeless kind of attitude. As if I'm a lost cause.

"Honey, can you calm down for me before you get on stage?"

"Mom I-"

"I know. I know. That wasn't fair and it didn't make sense. I get it."

I take a deep breath and release it rather quickly before picking up my phone again.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I gotta go say hi to Australia for a minute but I promise I'll call you back after."

"It's okay I understand. I love you, bye."

"I love you too. Bye."