Single Ponnunga

Kadhal Kaditham

I want to tell you about this girl I love. To be honest, I didn't have any opinions about her when I first knew her. I suppose it would've been hard to have any opinions back then considering I knew her since I was a little baby. But once I was aware of her, I saw her as the heroine of my movie. The most beautiful, mature, and perfect girl you would ever see. She was far from that, but not to my eyes. In my eyes, she could become anything she wants. The sky wasn't even the limit.

Her confidence came out in a form of bossiness. She had this attitude, making her act like she knew everything. Looking back, that was embarrassing. I mean, she would dominate her friends with that attitude. Again, she wasn't perfect. And unfortunately, I started to tell her that. Slowly, it made this bold girl I knew into someone insecure. She hid it well, but I knew how much it scared her to be someone's second choice. To crumble against all the expectations and fail.

But instead of being there for her, I started pushing her. I told her she wasn't good enough. Now I see, I hurt her the most compared to anyone in her life. I kept on reminding her how embarrassing she was yesterday. After a while, she started second-guessing herself. Doubted everything she did. It was hard for her to be herself. I suppose that's why she started immersing herself in books and movies. She would create an imaginary world in her mind, and every free time she gets, she would retreat to the world where I couldn't tell her she was not enough. A world where she was perfect, just like how I saw her as a child.

As life went on, more and more responsibilities piled up on her. To the world, she pretended that it all came easy to her and she didn't even care. But in truth, she was scared. She was scared to give her best and have it all go down the drain. She was scared to disappoint her parents and the relatives who used her as an example for the younger children. It wasn't that she didn't want to try or anything, but something in her brain would just stop when she attempts to study. I would even tell her, why work hard when you will fail anyway. So she stopped giving it her all unless she knew she could succeed. I don't know if I have ever told her this, but she is smart. Even with all that discouragement, she made it to college.

Unfortunately, that's when things went downhill. I started telling her she wasn't enough again, making her insecurities grow. To get people to like her, she started bending backward for them, putting herself in dangerous situations. She made lots of stupid mistakes that almost cost her studies, her relationship with her parents, and her health.

I'm mad at how I treated her back then. But now I want to be deserving of this amazing girl, so I'm constantly working on being my best self. The person she already knows I am.

The reason I love her is that, despite everything she has gone through and all the stupid mistakes she has made, she made herself succeed. Even while doubting herself, she raised her grades, made herself healthy, and even got a job before graduating. She poured herself doing what she loves instead of worrying about who will love her. Sure there are moments when she still feels insecure and her life is far from perfect. Moments where she is scared of tomorrow. But that isn't stopping her from trying.

She is everything for me. I used to think, my purpose is making this girl loved by all, to make her exceptional. But now I know she is already exceptional and it is my purpose to just love her. I love you Rufi.

Finding the perfect significant other for yourself isn't a certainty. But being your own soulmate is. To be my significant other, they would have to love me, the perfect and imperfect, as much and maybe even more than her. Sure there might be times when I have to remind her to prioritize me and to treat me with love. She can be crazy and embarrassing. But I love her for that. There might be moments where I want a significant other. But I don't need anyone other than her.

It doesn't matter anymore if someone else sees her as a second choice. She is my everything, and I will always love Rufi with my soul.

In case anyone still didn't understand, this is a love letter to me. Growing up, I realized that happily ever after isn't finding true love, but rather loving yourself. So please, build a strong relationship with yourself. Only then will you realize your worth

-J Rufina ♡