What If I Love You? (Phan)

1 Dan

Slowly closing the flat door, I rush to the window to wave Phil goodbye. He's going over to the States for two weeks to catch up with Cat so I've got our flat to myself for a fortnight. Spotting me waving, Phil waves back before getting into his taxi to the airport. I tried to persuade him to let me drive him but Phil was defiant : he was getting an Uber. Turning away, I sit down on the sofa and think. What can I do while he's gone? Well I need to catch up with Carrie Hope Fletcher, for a start and I might go down to Peej. Yeah, I'll meet up with my friends, that's a good idea.

"Hey Peej," I've just dialled Peej's number to see if I can visit,
"Hey hey Dan," I can almost hear his smile,
"So you know Phil's over in the States right now so I'm going to visit some friends. Umm can we organise a day to meet up?" I blurt out to him,
"Yeah, Chris is coming on Friday, are you free then?" Friday, Friday, I don't have anything on Friday,
"Nope, so I'll be down on Friday," We arrange a time and say goodbye. Peej tick, Carrie's up next, so I find her number under That McBusted Groupie,
"Hello Dan, what can I do for you?" Her voice is so light and breezy, it always helps to cheer me up,
"Umm so Phil, he's err in America so umm can we maybe meet up?" Why am I stuttering about this?
"Of course, but Dan, are you okay? I know he decided two days ago so you've not had time to adjust." Carrie's voice is so reassuring,
"I-I I don't know," I sigh to her,
"I'm in the area now, shall I pop in with some Malteasers?" I've missed Carrie so much,
"Please," Oh that sounded desperate,
"I'll be there soon," She ends the call and I open up Phil's contact, wondering whether to call him. My finger slips ; I guess I'm calling him. Phil answers immediately,
"Dan," He only says one word and I can feel a grin spreading over my face,
"Phil," I sure as hell hope he's smiling,
"What's up?" He better be smiling too,
"I just, I just really miss you. I know I never talk about feelings but we're never really apart so I just really miss you," I admit to Phil,
"Dan, I miss you too and I'm not even on the plane but I can't call you because it'll cost a bomb. I'll take so many pictures for us, yeah?" Phil instantly sounds sad,
"Yeah that'll be great Phil," I want him to be happy,
"Okay we'll talk when I get back,"
"Oh okay umm bye bye Phil," My smile fades away, knowing that's it for a fortnight,
"Bye Dan, I'll miss you," His voice breaks at the end, maybe he's crying?
"Lion please don't cry, you're going to America you need to have fun. Have fun for me," I beg,
"Okay Dan for you," He sniffles,
"Bye bye Lion," I can feel a tear trickling down my face,
"Bye bye Dan," And then it ends.

Phil's gone. I can't call him, I can't talk to him. I'm just stuck with my thoughts and my feelings. For a while I've been thinking about Phil in a way that's not normal. I care about him more than friends do, but that doesn't mean anything. He's just special to me, that's all. A knock at the door breaks my train of thoughts and I know it's Carrie but a little part of me hopes that it's him. I walk up to it to reveal a smiley Carrie,
"Dan, it's good to see you," She hugs me and she smells of fresh apples? I don't know what it is but it's fresh and breezy.
"Carrie, I don't know," I tell her slumping back onto the couch. Gracefully crossing one leg over the over, Carrie faces me, urging me to carry on,
"Well you know how we're best friends, me and Phil," She nods, " Well, he just left and I called him but he said he didn't want me to call and then he was crying and I said don't cry lion have fun for me and he said for you." Again, she nods, " Well after that I felt really special and I didn't know what to do so I sat down to think and I care about him loads but Carrie I think I like him!" I place a hand over my mouth because I wasn't meant to tell her that. Regaining her composure, Carrie is silent for a minute,
"Okay Dan, why do you think you like Phil?" She asks me, looking into my eyes,
"It's just everything. The way I love to gaze into his bright blue eyes and the way he always looks back at me. It's the fact we live together, we've settled down. I love the way he is so cute but so sexy at the same time and how's he's older than me but can rest his head on my shoulders. It's his style, the fact he loves lions. I've never been so happy and it's all down to him because he's truly amazing, Carrie, and he doesn't deserve any hate because I- I don't know but he's too nice for it. If he's happy, I'm happy, simple as." Looking over to Carrie, I see tears glisten in her eyes. Was it that bad?
"Dan, that was beautiful. It's pretty obvious to me that you like him but do you think you need to tell him?" I rush over to give her a big hug to thank her for being a friend but she's got her phone out.
"I'm phoning Phil and if you want to say anything, just tap my arm," She taps on 'Phil :)' and it's ringing... and ringing... and ringing. Each ring makes my palms sweat a little more, my heart beat a little faster.
"Hello Carrie? I'm in the departure lounge in the VIP bit, it's so cool. I tried to tell Dan but he's not picking up," Carrie looks at me and my cheeks burn- they're probably bright red.
"Yes well I just want to wish you a safe trip and happy holiday," She's just looking at me, so I do it. Reaching over, I tap her arm.
"Oh Dan's here do you two want to talk?" Carrie acts all nonchalant,
"Yes please!" Phil exclaims,
"Hello Lion," I smile at his nickname,
"Dan!" I can't help the giggle that escapes,
"I need to tell you something, and it's really important. It's serious," I can't believe I'm doing this ; I know I'll regret it,
"Okay, Dan what's wrong? You never get like this unless something's up and it's bad," His voice is so sad,
"Phil we've been living together for a long time and my feelings aren't the same," I start but get interrupted,
"Oh you want to move out?" His voice sounds like he's trying to keep it stable,
"No, no Phil. It's just that during the time we've been together, I look back at what we've gone through and you've been there for me all through it. Phillip Lester I think I'm in love with you okay? I'm sorry, Phil," He's silent- the only sound is his breathing.
"Dan-" I cut him off,
"I'm sorry Phil just forget I said anything," I give it back to Carrie so I can run to my room.

He hates me. Phil hates me now, why did I do that? The tears never stop and I've been in here for what, an hour? I think Carrie's gone but that's fine, she shouldn't have to deal with my problems. Why did I do this? Years of friendship down the drain all because of my stupid feelings. A knock at the door is followed by someone coming in.
"Dan, shh," Carrie has two bowls full of Malteasers, two cups of tea and a Shakeaway for me.
"Carrie!" I sob into Carrie, also grabbing a handful of Malteasers.
"Okay, so I've grabbed some of my things and I'm staying here for a while, to help look after you, so maybe a movie night tonight?" I nod to Carrie and she helps me up. We walk into the living room and while I crawl into a ball on the sofa, Carrie looks through my DVD collection.
"Is this okay?" Holding a copy of 101 Dalmatians, Carrie looks at me for conformation so I nod. Popping it into the player, she grabs the snacks, sits down then throws a blanket over the two of us. Watching the movie, my eyes feel heavy and just as Cruella De Vil kidnaps the puppies- my eyes close and I drift off into nothingness.