What If I Love You? (Phan)

8 Dan

8 days until Phil

Mae's gone.

Forever.

And today is my last goodbye.

I knew from the start, today would be tear after tear, but the pain. If I could try to express the pain I would but there is no way to try and explain this hurt. She was my rock, she was the only person before Phil. She was the one who helped me move in with Phil. Today is going to be one of the hardest days of my life, the only other one half as bad as this would be Phil's wedding to someone else. But today is about Mae so as soon as I wake up, I quickly tweet: today is a day of remembrance, @maee RIP.
I can see all my friends showing their support, like Phil : today heaven is officially gaining another angel @maee x
And Carrie: can we all take a moment to remember the beautiful @maee
Just as I'm about to get up, two Twitter notifications alert me, one from Peej: @maee today is for you angel, you've finally got your wings,
The other from Chris: @maee some angels are fallen, others don't find their wings until it's too late
( they might not be 140 characters or less but psshh, have some pizza)
A single tear drops down my face and that's when I know it's started. I spend a few minutes sobbing quietly before wiping them away.
"It'll be okay, Dan. She's in a better place," I tell myself to try and find comfort for a minute so I can eat.
"Carrie can I have some toast?" I call out into the kitchen,
"Yep sure," She calls back, not bothering to hide her despair.

Crunching on buttery toast, I stare at the wall, expressionless. Carrie walks in like a machine, emotionless. One person can affect your life so much and when they're gone, it's like everything good has gone.

Quietly hobbling back into my room, after a bit of a struggle, I managed to pull on my suit.
"Dan, Keefe is coming in about ten," Carrie calls out to me so I get a move on and straighten my hobbit hair. Sighing, I just sit and think.

Interrupted by a knock at my door, I pick up my crutches so I can see who it is. Keefe Rivers.
"Keefe, it's good to see you," I sound so formal but he smiles at me,
"And you," He links arms with me before we head out to Carrie. Hair loose, Carrie has a black, floaty dress on with some black boot heel things.
"We ready?" She asks,
"Nope but I'm never going to be," I reply, not bothering to hide my despair.

In the car, I just sit as still as I can, hoping no one will talk to me. Keefe gives my knee a reassuring squeeze but when he smiles, it reminds me of how Mae's eyes used to crinkle when she grinned. How the sparkle in her green orbs used to dance. Used to. Used to.

We finally arrive at the church and we're stood outside, waiting for the rest of our party. An old friend, Tahlia, looks like she's about to burst into tears so Keefe goes to talk to her. Carrie's eyes begin to water and I walk up to her. Standing behind her, I embrace her. A few more people arrive and it's time to go in.

I sit in the front row with Keefe, since he insisted. I also have a little speech prepared for when the priest calls me up. Human by The Killers begins to play and when I glance at Keefe, he whispers in my ear, "She planned all the music herself." The mahogany coffin is carried by tall pallbearers up to the front and I start to sniffle. I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me it'll all be okay.

Crying, I wait for the priest to introduce me so I can hobble up.
"And now, Daniel Howell will say a few words," My cue.
"Hello," I almost say Internet but when I see Carrie, I mouth to her to record my speech.
"Hello internet," I start, " Mae Rivers was the best friend you could have. She supported your problems but I hoped I was there for her. I hoped that I made her happy. I know that I can't ever see her smile again and that makes me so sad. Her smile was beautiful and I remember one time, I was talking about Ph- a boy and she smiled and told me to go for it and get married. I hope I make her proud when I do ask him to marry me. I wish she would be here to see it but everyday, I know she'll be looking down so I'll try my best to make her proud," Carrie switches off the camera and helps me down.

Sitting at the bar, I order a bourbon to try and drink my worries away. The waitress tries to flirt with me but I just sigh, looking into my glass. A single tear drops down my face, helping me to create a depressed appearance. Suddenly, I get a phone call.
"Hello," I mutter,
"Hello, is this Dan Howell?"
"Speaking," I grouch,
"Hello, I'm Stacy from Shout magazine, have you heard of us?" Shout was a teen mag about internet, fashion and things like that.
"Yes I have heard of you, my flat mate Phil Lester has shown it to me on many occasions," I inform Stacy,
"Would you like to have your own column with Phil Lester to just moan, chat and say what you like that month?" Hmm, I could be a columnist,
"If you could call me in 9 days, Phil will be able to make the decision so I shall get back to you then," I decide to make the choice with Phil,
"Okay, I'll phone you in 9," Stacy ends the call, I take another sip of my alcohol.

Someone starts to sing as I can't help myself but I stare at the sleek piano next to it. Carrie raises an eyebrow but I just look away, staring into nothing again. Today feels like a day where smiling could be dicey. If I grin, I guess people will be disgusted yet people still stare when I try and abide by their rules. Thank you society.

"Another?" The bartender collects my empty glass,
"Please," I fix my fringe before checking my phone. I don't know what I'm looking for but I still pick it up. Pj and Chris have both text me, telling me to stay strong. I send them thank you before sipping my bourbon. I decide to tweet: I'm drinking bourbon at a bar I'm so cool, before listening to the music. Carrie needs someone to sing with her and, it might be the alcohol, I just waltz up there and sing with her. It lifts my spirits a little but I'm still miserable.

What if she can't hug me? Mae can't wrap her warm arm around me while whispering things in my ear. I miss everything but even we had bad times. The thing is, you would take back all the bad just so you could have the good. I would give anything to get her back, anything.