Desert • Flower | TaeJin || BOOK 3#

XXVII. Making an effort to heal

"Then I want you to write something. Anything. Whatever you want to eat, see, visit, but in Korean. It doesn't matter if it's not well written. You should practice more writing without smudging, okay?" Yune nods apologetically. Jin gives her a tender caress on her head.

Her blonde hair and the dragon jumped playfully around Eunji who dozes. Somehow, it feels like there is an exchange of places. She approaches the little girl and hugs her. Yune lets himself be done, happy and not squeezing the older one too tightly to keep him from feeling pain. He's not healed yet, barely improving.

"Jin Oppa Are you feeling better?"

"Little by little."

"When you feel better can we practice dancing?"

"It's never been my specialty," he admits with an awkward smile. "We can do it. I don't see why not. As long as you do the practice I asked you to do."

Yune nods and leaves. Jin wrinkles his expression and settles back on the makeshift bed of spongy earth. How did Taehyung manage something like that? He has no idea, but he's thankful it's like this and not directly on hard ground. He jumps at the flower that springs up next to his ear. All the ones that emerge have black petals.

Jin feels kind of useless for not being able to expel it quickly. I mean why is his body so foolish not to get it out faster? It has grown whole plains. Maybe not bloomed at its best, but it was a plain and here it can't even expel all the gunk that came in through its wound. Almost pathetic. Though on the other hand, it feels like the secret desire he has inside him:

To just die.

The difference between before and now, is that now he feels different. As if the ground has such a hold on him that it doesn't allow him to fall into that dark abyss where he wouldn't bloom again even if he wanted to. He gives a sigh and sleeps for the rest of the afternoon.

~ * * * ~

"You may retire now. Jimin will stay."

"My lord, he-"

"I said retire."

Jin bites his lower lip. Jimin shakes his head, asking him with his eyes to stay with him. Accompany him. Make up an excuse, anything. Jin bows, gets up and leaves the room. Before closing he hears a muffled call.

"D-don't leave me alone-"

"Did you say something Jimin? I asked you before we started to be quiet."

Jin feels his lips trembling. Deep inside, he doesn't know what he feels: Satisfaction? Disgust? Joy? Embarrassment? It's been a lot of weeks since Empress Eunji committed suicide: Hojoon has been determined to have Jimin as his little shadow and in that, to replace Jin as his main means of entertainment.

As kisaeng.

It is perceived as a decline. He is no longer the favorite as before and in that, he is being replaced by a Samsu. Jin arrives at his room. He undoes his hairstyle and looks at himself in the mirror for a while. He lowers his head with the urge to cry, Eunji rests his head on Jin's legs, gurgling and giving light grunts to get his attention.

Jin feels bad, but at the same time relieved, scared and anxious. It's so many things at the same time that he doesn't know what's inside him. Relieved that the attentions are no longer on him because Jimin absorbs them, bad because he is the one who needs help; Jimin needs someone to defend him from that which frightened him so much and now he suffers completely. Anxious because it is something that will inevitably happen at all. The emperor bought him because he wants him to have a child.

They are going to have sex, but it scares him so much; indifferent to his age it scares him because everyone who has been that way with Hojoon, are people who suffer. Empress Eunji committed suicide, Jungkook's mother Haneul was even unfaithful because she didn't feel loved or even treated well.

Jin gives a broken whimper, covering his face with both hands. His panic is increasing with the day and the worst? He can't fool himself. To think he's worth it because he's being a Haengsu. He is inferior to a seven year old who barely understands two words and can barely sing or dance.

It seems that the list of misfortunes only extends and extends the more hopelessness enters his chest.

~ * * * ~

"Did you have a good sleep? You were asleep for a long time. I was afraid you wouldn't wake up to eat."

Jin winks uncomfortably from the light straight into his eyes. Yune's dragoness -called Hikari-, always climbs on his face to tease him, although then she leaves in fright as soon as Jin wakes up. The kisaeng manages to sit up and with that, have one of the plates of food extended towards him. He brings one of the pieces of meat to his mouth.

"It's time for you to go to sleep." comments Taehyung to Yune who pouts and leaves sulking. She's been waiting for hours and Taehyung kicks her out as soon as Jin is awake.

"Good night."

"Good night."

"Well, did you have a good sleep?"

Jin wrinkles his face slightly before shaking his head.

"I wish it had been."

"Oh."

Taehyung remains silent until Jin finishes eating. They give him as much as possible so that he can recompose himself in the more physical aspect. After all, part of the "magic" is what is still at work and to wear it out too much would cause it to overdo it and that automatically leads to misfortune. Even if it's as a defense mechanism.

"I remember being envious of Jimin. Despite what was really going on...how much I disliked him... I was jealous of him becoming more important than me" Jin admits and Taehyung tilts his head in slight discomfort. It's weird to be envious of a little boy, but he assumes it's normal within that world. "One moment I was the emperor's favorite and the next I wasn't. I guess that's why I stopped mattering and let them do so many things with me."

"In what way? If you were his kisaeng, no one but him should be able to do anything to you if I'm not mistaken." says Taehyung doubtfully.

"They can do it if they have permission."

It's not direct, not so obvious either, but Taehyung can pretty easily assume what he's referring to from the background the captain gave months ago. It's curious how everyone perceives what's going on. Because he is sure that some would take what happened to Jin with indifference, while the captain and many saw it in a cynical and even angry way, considering that Jin wanted all that deal or sought it.

The reality is one and it is the one he lived through, one that left him so dull and melancholy. Taehyung takes his hand and kisses his knuckles. Jin looks at him strangely at the sudden gesture.

"I know this is not the best thing to say to you, but.... You should let go of the past, because that's what's hurting you the most and preventing you from healing now" Taehyung says in a low, loving voice. Jin turns away, abashed. "I understand that in order to do that you must accept it, but I want you to know that doing so does not mean remaining subject to it all your life."

"The past makes you who you are. You can't just let it go."

"That's only valid when they make you someone good-like me! I couldn't let go of the past which is a family that adopted me needlessly, just because they loved me so much" Taehyung explains with a square smile, "but in your case, where it's just the memory of the hurt you've suffered, you must let it go to really be you, not the consequences of that torture"

Jin pouts and Taehyung gives his hand a loving, playful squeeze. Nothing more fun to lower the tension than to sound wise and knowledgeable in front of Jin. Since Jin is older, he feels like scolding him for thinking he is smarter or "disrespecting" him.

Like so many other days when he wakes up and always sees him there, talking, "arguing" and saying goodbye to sleep.