You give love a bad name.
-Bon Jovi.
I put my face on the pillow and didn't realize it was wet until Alex said from behind me, "Yeah, that's your pillow tonight."
I stuck a single finger in the air.
I wanted to cut. I wanted to bleed until I was numb. I wanted to hit an artery. I wanted to die. (Again.)
Alex read my mind. "Dude, I'm not letting you hurt yourself. You and I are gonna talk this out. Because you're too awesome to kill yourself."
"I tried to." And succeeded. "Really hard."
"Dude. I know. And you know what? You scared the shit out of me. Your girlfriend stood sobbing in the waiting room, but I was the one who didn't leave for food or to redo my mascara. I was in that waiting room, waiting for you to wake up.
"Do you even care about yourself anymore? Ever since you didn't die you've just been moping like the ghost of yourself if you had killed yourself. I miss you, man."
For a long time, it was silent, save Alex's playlist. I was thinking. Not about Alex, but Beth. She'd said she hadn't left my side, that people had to pull her off of me.
It was my funny but awkward roommate's word against the girl I had known since middle school. I had known Alex for about two years, versus my nine or so with Beth.
I believed Alex.
My voice was hoarse. It got like that when I was either tired or crying. And right then, I was both. "I'm sorry." I mumbled quietly. I'm wasn't sure if Alex heard me at first.
"You bet your sorry ass you are." They punched my shoulder. "Who would I room with if you died?"
I smiled a little, and sat up."Your books? I thought that Patty Johnson keeps you good company."
Alex smacked their forehead. "You're as bad as Mr. D. Honestly. Percy Jackson."
"Close enough."
"No it's not."
We talked for most of the night. Just about school, family, life, etc. "Okay but like," I said eventually. "Is there any real reason the alphabet needs to be in order?"
Alex sank to the ground and wailed. "No! Shut up! That... that's true. Damn you."
When we didn't feel like talking, Alex's playlist did the talking for us. It was a comfortable silence. We just kind've laid on the bed, thinking. I closed my eyes.
There was some song on that sounded like something in a movie where it rains and the actor calmly puts their head on a window in a car and acts like that didn't result in a concussion.
And if you're still breathing you're the lucky ones.
Cause most of us are heaving through
Corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong,
The lovers that went wrong.
Alex was probably asleep; they hadn't moved in a while. I moved to my bed (taking the pillow) and laid there, shoes on and all, staring at the ceiling.
I turned briefly to face the clock. It was only 11:47. So I get about six hours of sleep.
And damn, I was about to.
Alex sat up with a start. "Damien!" They practically breathed rather than speaking.
"Present." I grumbled. I had been *this close* to sleeping.
"Oh God. Don't do that."
I could tell Alex was scared and I couldn't even see them. So I turned on a light.
Alex was shivering, pale, and looked about ready to puke.
I got out of bed and walked across the room, and this time it was I who comforted them.
My shirt was damp and kind've sticking to me, and Alex was just letting the floodgates loose. The entire front of my shirt was clinging to my chest now.
"I," Alex said between ragged breaths, "didn't know you worked out." My face heated and I was grateful Alex was looking down.
"Oh. Um..." Alex sighed a laugh.
"You idiot."
Okay so that's it that's the chapter well do I even have news.
Nah.
Kisses,
Satan, (I Count My Sins But Ew Math) Lord of Feels.
