Red vs. Blue: Unleashed

Why Are We Here?

The sun shone on the desolate canyon. On one end stood a lone fort, with two soldiers standing atop it - one in maroon armor, and the other orange.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"You ever wonder why we're here?" the maroon one, named Simmons, asked.

"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence or is there really a God, watching everything? Y'know, with a splan for us and stuff," the orange one, named Grif, answered. "I dunno, man. But it keeps me up at night."

Simmons just stood there, cdumbfounded, staring at his friend. "What? I mean, why are we out here, in this canyon?" he clarified.

"Oh, uh... yeah."

"What was all that stuff about God?" Simmons questioned.

"Hm? Oh, nothing."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Nope."

Simmons looked out over the canyon. The only things he could see were rocks and dirt. "But seriously, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out."

"The only reason we set up a Red base here is that they have a Blue base over there. And the only reason they have a base over there is that we have a base over here."

"Well, that's because we're supposed to be fighting each other," Grif replied.

"But even if one day we were to pull out, and they were to take our base, then they'd have two bases in a box canyon. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo."

"What's up with that anyway? I signed up to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up to whole Covenant armada and I'm stuck here in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys."

Meanwhile, over on higher ground, there were two other soldiers - this time one in cobalt armor, and the other in aqua. The cobalt-armored one, named Church, was holding a sniper rifle and using it to spy on the ones in red armor.

"What are they doing?" asked the aqua-armored soldier, called Tucker.

"What?"

"I said, what are they doing now?"

"God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question," Church snapped.

"You have the fucking sniper rifle, and I can't see shit, so don't bitch at me because I'm not he one who's just sitting here playing with the rifle," Tucker shot back.

"There's just standing there and talking. That's all they ever do, they just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So when you ask me five minutes from now, my answer's gonna be: they're still just standing there and they're still just talking."

Tucker simply looked down at the red soldiers, before turning back to face Church. "What are they talking about?"

"You know what? I fucking hate you."

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"Talk about a waste of resources. We should be out finding new intelligent forms of life and fighting them," Grif muttered.

"Yeah, no kidding."

"Ladies! Front and center, on the double!" barked a voice from down below.

"Fuck," Simmons cursed under his breath. "Yes, sir!"

Once the two got down there, Sarge immediately began his nonsense. "Hurry it up, you two! This ain't no ice cream social!"

Grif had never heard this phrase before. "Ice cream social?"

"Stop the filler talk, you two. Do you have any idea why I have gathered you here today?"

"Uh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?" Grif asked hopefully.

"That's right, private. The war's over, and you're the big hero! We're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here... IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!"

Grif blanked for a few seconds. "I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir."

"Shut your Goddamn mouth, private, or I'll have Simmons slit your throat in your sleep!" Sarge threatened.

"Oh, I'd do it, too!" Simmons replied excitedly.

"I know you would, private. A couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha."

Grif sighed. "Aw, crap. We're getting a rookie."

"That's right, private. Our new recruit should be getting here within a week. One the other hand, we recieved the first part of our shipment from Command."

Sarge turned towards the hill. "Lopez, bring her over."

A four-wheeled armored vehicle with a mounted machine gun on the back rdrove up to the team, with a soldier in brown armor at the wheel. The soldier, Lopez, stepped out once his task had been completed.

"Shotgun!" "Shotgun! Fuck!"

"May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has 4-inch armor plating, a mounted machine gunner's position, AND... total seating for three. This is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the Warthog."

If Simmons hadn't been wearing a helmet, he'd have been scratching his head. "Why Warthog?" he questioned.

"Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son," Sarge told him.

"I know, but why Warthog? It doesn't really look like a pig," Grif commented.

"Say that again?"

"I think it looks more like a puma."

"What in Sam Hill is a puma?" Sarge inquired.

"You mean like the shoe company?" Simmons asked. "No, it's a big cat, like a lion."

Sarge simply stared at the orange-armored soldier. "... you're making that up."

"I'm telling you, a puma is a real animal!"

"Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal," Sarge ordered. "Yes, sir!"

Sarge walked over to the vehicle and pointed at the front of it. "See here? These tow hooks look like tusks. What animal has tusks?" he asked.

"A walrus," Grif answered.

"Didn't I tell you to stop making up animals?!"

Over on the ledge, Church and Tucker were observing the discourse. Once again, Church continued to hog the sniper rifle. Instead of focusing on the soldiers arguing, however, he focused his sights on the gun-mounted vehicle.

"Hey, the Reds have some kind of new vehicle. It looks like a... some kind of big cat," Church reported.

"Like a puma?"

"Yeah, that's the one, there you go."

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A/N: I know this has started off like literally just the first two episodes of Red vs. Blue, but it's the basic foundation for the events to come. I promise the next chapters will be very different.

Originally uploaded 03/29/2022.