Red vs. Blue: Unleashed

The Rookies

Simmons and Grif were once again on the roof of Red Base, sharing their existential crises. The two never did much apart from this, and the occasional base upkeep Sarge forced them to perform. It also happened that the top of the base was actally a decent spot to watch out for Blue Team, so if Simmons or Grif saw anything that wasn't dirt, they'd be able to shoot it down.

"I dunno why, but I just thought back to that time in training where you tried going to the Vegas quadrant," Grif blurted.

"Hey, that's not exactly what happened," Simmons insisted, his tone defensive.

Grif nodded. "Yes, it is. You said 'I am never going to the Vegas quadrant. I was never into gambling.' But the next thing I know, there you are, in an escape pod headed to-"

"Excuse me, uh, sirs," came an unfamiliar voice.

When a voice was unfamiliar, Grif knew it was either a scam caller or a rookie. But since there were no cell phones or computers in Blood Gulch, there was only one other option. "Aw, crap."

"I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha and report to whoever's in charge," the rookie stated.

Grif knew he needed to clear this up. "Sorry, man, but Sarge at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."

"Actually, Private, he left me in charge," Simmons lied.

Grif couldn't believe him. "You are such a kiss-ass."

"Also, he told me if I had any trouble with you I should..." Simmons cleared his throat, and even through his helmet Grif could clearly tell he was grinning. "Get in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can."

Grif just stared blankly at the maroon-armored soldier. "That's the worst impression I've ever heard."

He turned to the new recruit, wanting to forget he'd ever heard the anti-masterpiece of acting that had just come from Simmons' mouth. "So, rookie, what's your story?"

The rookie stood proudly. "Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens."

Grif's head was overflowing with questions, but he only had the mental capacity to ask two of them. "Okay, 1) Private Donut? Looks like someone needs a new nickname. And 2) what's with the armor color?"

Donut looked down at his armor, then back at Grif. "This is the standard issue red."

"I know that, but listen. There are two types of people who wear that color of armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer," Grif deduced.

Donut looked at Simmons. "He's wearing red armor."

Simmons looked at his armor, then at Donut. "No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red."

"Then how do I get a different color of armor?" Donut asked, starting to get annoyed.

Simmons sighed. "I'll be the Blues don't have to put up with this crap."

On the other side of the canyon, outside of the base belonging to Blue Team, stood a tank. Four treads, a cockpit the driver can see through, and a long cannon; this tank was the M808 Scorpion, the tank of tanks. Church and Tucker stood and admired it, alongside a new blue-armored rookie. This rookie was telling stories about his time in training.

"So I say to the guy, 'how are you going to get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes, 'I'll just put it on the ship,' and then I go 'if you have a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"

Tucker was growing tired of listening to him. "Hey, kid."

"Yeah?"

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up."

The rookie's head slightly sank. "Oh. You got it, man."

Church continued staring at the glorious vehicle, his eyes not having once moved since he first saw it. "You know what? I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing."

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"Okay, Private Donut. Here's the deal," Simmons began.

"I just refuse to call him Private Donut!" Grif protested, partly on the verge of laughing at such a ridiculous name.

Simmons simply ignored him. "We've got a very important mission for you: go to the store and pick up two quarts of elbow grease."

"Oh, and grab some, uh... headlight fluid while you're there, too. For the Puma," Grif added.

"The what?" Donut was not at all familiar with the verbiage used by Red Team for specific things, having only gotten there less than an hour ago.

"He means the Warthog," Simmons clarified, much to Grif's disagreement.

"You do know where the store is, right, rookie?" Grif questioned.

"Uh... yeah, of course I do." Donut walked down the ramp and proceeded out of the base, having no idea where the store actually was.

Simmons and Grif watched the rookie wander off into the canyon.

"How long do you think it'll be until he figures out there's no store?" Simmons asked.

"I say... at least a week."

Once out of earshot of the Reds, Donut kicked a stone that was on the ground. "Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna have a talk with the Sergeant."

Back at the Blue Team's side of the canyon, Tucker had come to quite a realization.

"You know what? I think I can pick up chicks in this thing," he remarked.

Church sighed. "Oh, man. Listen to you. What use do you have for two chicks?"

Tucker laughed. "Aw, dude! Women are like Voltron: the more you can hook up, the better it gets!"

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Donut had walked a sizeable distance from the Red Team's base and stumbled upon a cave, which he figured would lead to another section of the canyon. It was dark, and there was this odd green cloud. Luckily, Donut's helmet had oxygen support, so he didn't worry about it. However, once he delved further into the cave, he realized there was no store. There was, however, a concerningly large lump of slimy, pulsating substance.

"Ugh. What is that?"

He reached out to touch it, and was disgusted by its texture.

"It's so wet! And sticky! I hate things that are wet and sticky!" the rookie exclaimed.

Suddenly, a bulge formed in the lump. The bulge burst and out came an insect-looking creature, similar in texture to the slimy substance. It crawled swiftly across the cave floor with at least 30 tiny legs. Donut shrieked and frantically fired his weapon at it, eventually killing it.

"What the heck was that thing? It looked like a spider! I have to go report this to the others, forget the headlight fluid!"

Donut quickly made his way out of the cave and escaped the area, coughing a bit on his way out.

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A/N: Ok, well, that's done. You can quite obviously tell where this is going if you have any knowledge of Halo, but for those of you who don't this might be a bit of a pleasant surprise. As always, credit goes to Rooster Teeth for creating the Red vs. Blue series, and also to Bungie for creating Halo: Combat Evolved.

Originally uploaded 04/06/2022.