Red vs. Blue: Unleashed

Disturbing and Pulsating

"Like I was saying, you could totally pick up chicks with this thing!"

Church sighed. "It's always girls with you, nothing else!" He exclaimed, irritated with Tucker.

"What do you expect? I don't think any of us here have seen a single alien out here and those red guys never do anything! They just stand around and talk!" Tucker shot back.

"Plus, it's not like anyone can get a Box in this canyon!" He added.

Church digressed. "Alright, alright. I see your point."

"You know, I actually had a girlfriend back home. I was gonna marry her, but then the war happened. She was special ops, so I joined in the hopes of being stationed alongside her, but that didn't exactly work out. At least she gets to have fun killing aliens. In fact, I've heard she once beat a Sangheili to death with his own skull."

Tucker and the rookie just stood there, trying to process what they'd just been told.

"Is that even physically possible?" Tucker finally questioned.

"I know, one on-site translator reported that the Sangheili said that too," Church replied.

The rookie loudly asked, "Did she stab him with his ribs?"

"Listen, Rookie, I have a very important job for you. There's a store; I need you to go over there and buy us a Box," Church commanded, not answering his question or caring enough to do so.

"Oh, and pick up some... tread lubricant for the tank, would you?" Tucker added.

The rookie left, seemingly knowing where this nonexistent store was.

"What happens if he goes to the Reds, thinking their base is the store?" Tucker asked.

"We don't have to deal with him."

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Donut came back to Red Base yelling, much to the confusion of Grif and Simmons. The orange-armored soldier was actually more confused, surprisingly enough.

"What the fuck is it? There's literally nothing in this boring fucking canyon! What could you possibly be afraid of?" he shouted over Donut.

"It- it was- I don't know, it was slimy, and then a spider came out of it, and-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down," Simmons told him. "You were afraid of a spider egg sac?"

"Spider egg sacs aren't slimy!" Grif objected.

Simmons ignored him. "Look, those things don't actually do anything unless you poke them. And only a real fucking idiot would do something like that."

"But I never- okay, I did poke it... but can we at least go down and exterminate it?" Donut asked.

"Fuck. That. It's your problem, not ours," Grif told him.

Simmons sighed and went downstairs into the main base. "I'll go get the equipment..."

"Wait, we have spider extermination equipment?"

"No, but we have guns. That should be more than enough."

Grif didn't argue with Simmons' logic. He and Donut followed Simmons to go kill all of the spiders.

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"Here it is! The cave!" Donut exclaimed. Grif and Simmons were behind him, neither of them really caring about this or realizing what was truly happening.