My Journal of Letters

Chapter-13

"Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" -John Irving
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After I cleaned up mine and Vic's mess we went to the kitchen to see what we should make for breakfast since Mark and my mom went to the store yesterday.
"There's oat meal. You want oatmeal?" I asked as I looked through the cobords. I felt two arms wrap around me waist and lips kiss the back of my neck.

"I'd rather have you for breakfast." I could hear the smirk on his face when he said that. I playfully pushed him away and laughed. "Yea, I'll have oatmeal." He took the oatmeal away from me and began filling a bowl with water to put in the microwave.

I watched as his hands danced across his hair pulling it back behind his ear. I took notice in his smile that still laid across hip perfect plump lips. I was beginning to notice every little thing I really liked about Vic. No that I loved about him. I think I love him... I wount tell him that though, I don't even want to admit it to myself yet.

I don't want to get to close and then have him hurt when I left. I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. I shook my head riding myself from any thoughts I had and made myself a bowl of oatmeal as well.

"Good morning boys." My mom yawned as she walked in. She came over and kissed both of our heads before making her coffee. "Kell, Vic, coffee?" She asked holding up a mug. We shook our heads.

"No thanks. I have to leave soon I have my brother's car and I have a feeling if I don't have it home before he wakes up he'll be psyco dialing me." He said finishing up his toast. I looked at him as he smiled at my mom.

"Okay hunny it was nice meeting you and having you over. You're welcome here anytime." My mom said again kissing the tops of our heads before going back to her room.

"You can come over later if you want. We have practice and you can watch if you want." He told me before going to wash his plate.

"Maybe I might catch up on some sleep. I didn't sleep well." I whispered.

"Was it because of your nightmare last night?" He asked looking at me and I nodded sadly. He leaned on his tiptoes and kissed my cheek sweetly. "Okay, well text me later if you want to come and I'll pick you up." He said pulling me in for a hug. I hugged him back and gave him a kiss. I really liked his kisses, they where always sweet and loving. My god I got it bad... I pulled away before we had a makeout session in the kitchen.

"I'll see you later." I smiled and pecked his lips again. He left leaving me in the kichen alone. I sighed and walked to my room since I had nothing else to do but be alone with my thoughts.

I couldn't stop thinking about my memory that was portrayed as a dream. I took out my journal and pen and began writing my fifth letter.

Dear Sara,

My beautiful loving sister, I'm so sorry you got stuck with an evil twin like me. I didn't mean for you to get hurt, I just wanted my car back. These past ten years have been Hell with out you. You where always my rock, the strong one in my life. If only you where here when dad left seven years ago.

He said that me being gay was the last straw for me because he always hated me for killing you that day. Ever since then I've thought of my self as a murderer and that I didn't deserve to live. I still don't deserve to live because theres nothing here for me but Vic. He's my new boyfriend but I didn't want to get close to him because it hurts now just thinking about leaving and hurting him.

I'm really not one to hold a relationship well... But I really do like him, I just don't want him getting hurt that's all, and if it means breaking up with him then it has to be done... But this isn't about me or Vic right now, it's about you. I know you can't read this because you're dead.

I'm sorry but there's no nice way to put it. It hurts saying that word, "dead," because it just reminds me that I was the one who stomped on the ice and made it crack. I was the one who listened when you said "don't move". I was the one who should have told you again not to move, then maybe you'd still be here and mom and dad would still be together. I mean don't get me wrong, I love Mark but I miss dad.

I miss you more Sara. You where my everything, my little sister, even though you where 3 minutes younger, you still where the little one and I tried my best to not let any one hurt you. I remember in kindergarten I cut off Taylor Momsen's ponytail because she called you a "smelly poopie head" for taking the last cookie in the box. God I was so pissed and I was under watch the rest of the week. Hey not gonna lie she looked pretty cool with the hair cut.

Me and Taylor are okay now, in fourth grade we made up. We lost touch after she moved though the summer of eighth going to ninth. She was like another sister to me those four years and when she left it hurt alot. I would cry myself to sleep ever night thinking I chased her away. I still have her number it's saved in my phone still but I don't know if its still hers. I should try it some time. I don't know... I miss you Sara... I hope you know that. I love you and I'll see you soon.

Love, Kellin.

I closed the book and got up to leave my room, but I stopped when something fell from my lap. It was Sara's heart bow she always wore. But that was in my memory box in my closet. I went to my box and opened it and sure enough the bow was the real one and in my hand. All at once every good and bad thing that ever happened hit me.

"I miss you Sara." I wispered and I tightened my grip around the object. I closed the box and put it away before going to sit on my bed with the bow still in my hand. Trying to breathe with out choking, I pulled my legs to my chest and cradled the precious fabric. "I'm sorry you got stuck with me. I'm sorry I did that to you! Fuck I'm even sorry for existing and hurting you! I- FUCK!" I let out a gasp trying to catch my breath from yelling. I felt like my airways where closeing as I cried harder.

"Kellin?!" I heard my mom yell from behind the door. I didn't lock it so she could have come in. Why didn't she come in? I struggled to breath even more, it felt like all the air from my room was gone and there was nothing left to take in. "Kellin open the door!" I heard her scream again. "Mark!"

I was getting light headed and my vision was going in and out of focus. I heard banging on the door and then after a few seconds the door was being busted and my vision faded but I could still hear.

"Oh my God Kellin! Call 911 hurry!" She yelled. I heard foot steps running while I tried gasping for breath. "Just breathe baby it's okay mommy's here." She whispered softly and I drifted unconscious.

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A/N: Hey my lovlies. Let me know how y'all are likeing the story so far with some votes or comments. Love you lots!

♡Sofia