Mortance: A Miscarriage of Hope

Aurora Ⅳ

Where is she? I asked myself yet again. Amelia had disappeared near an hour ago to wash my sheets, and it was supposed to be Vanessa who brought me new ones. Neither had returned yet, much to my disappointment. My bed was naked, and my desires were unfulfilled. Vanessa where are you?

I didn't want a naked bed, I wanted a naked girl on my bed, I wanted Vanessa. She wasn't here. She was supposed to be here. She was here, I remembered the dream. It will be better when it's real, I told myself. Could it really be better? The dream felt so good...

With nothing else to do but wait, I turned to my guitar. The songs were familiar to my hands. Eventually I turned to the song I'd been trying to write. Bb Lydian, I remembered. Down to D Dorian, in three now. It broke the rules, but it sounded good to my ears. D minor... C major... G major... I imagined myself on a stage, playing for a cheering crowd. I imagined myself singing the words I'd written. They were deep, beautiful, and meaningful words, though I still had no inkling of what they might be. Still, the crowd sang them with me. Only then the verse finished, and I didn't know what came next.

But my hands slid into place. I arpeggiated a chord and added a flourish. It was messy, but practice could fix that. I moved down to what I knew was a G major and repeated the phrase twice again. The first was Bb, I realized, that doesn't fit. I played it again. But it sounds good. This song was breaking all the rules I'd been taught, but it all felt right.

Vanessa breaks all the rules too, I realized, but she feels more right than anything in the world. It shouldn't have been right, Messenger Auston had told me as much, but it was. Vanessa was what I wanted, I was sure of it, more sure than I'd ever been in my life. So why isn't she here?

Amelia turned up near midday with new sheets for me. I asked for Vanessa, I wanted to complain. A million possible answers from Amelia spiraled in my head. I found her body in the streets. She was captured by pirates. She challenged me to a duel for you, but I won. Vanessa is secretly a witch and she's killed your father for you, she awaits you in the throne room. She wants you to come to her. She's too shy to talk. None of those measured up to how much the real answer hurt.

"I saw her," Amelia said. "I asked for her, and she didn't come, so I looked around a bit. It took a while, but I found her eventually. Then... I'm sorry, your grace."

"What happened?" I feared the answer.

"I was asking for her, but I think she saw me first," Amelia looked at her feet. "I watched her leave. I tried to follow her, but... Vanessa disappeared. I'm sorry, your grace, I don't think she wants to see you."

"O-oh," I tried my best to hide my disappointment. She doesn't want to see me. "Thank you."

Amelia sheeted my bed. I stared at the ugly girl in the mirror as she did. She doesn't want me. Vanessa doesn't want me. Nobody wants me. I am ugly. I am sinful. The ugly girl's eyes began to water. I can't cry. Not while Amelia's here, I can't.

But what could I do?

She doesn't want me. If Vanessa didn't want me, I would have no joy. When Jacob Calder bought me with his allegiance to my father, I would have nothing left. There would be nothing to live for, not without Vanessa. I won't spend my life trapped in a loveless marriage. I have to live for something. For someone.

A cold wind blew through the open window, but outside it was sunny. Nature wanted a warm, bright day, but winter's cold remained. Just like me. I want Vanessa, I want her love, but... I had denied her love. I shouldn't deserve her now. I've already denied her.