HEARTBEAT {h.s}

21

Arabella Webber

We're not who we used to be

We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me

I'm sat on the black sofa, across from the piano, cross-legged and slouched. The book is held in my hands, I'm about five pages in. Each poem is written on a page with some scribbles or stickers around it. For example, on this page, there's a doodle of two cartoon ghosts that crosses over their eyes. I read another and another, but decide to stop after a while, walking upstairs to place the book on my windowsill.

The hours flew by faster than the time it took for my head to wrap around the time staring back at me on the clock. It flashed bright red each second like the numbers were trying to jump out of it. I just stare at it; my head is light and processing nothing but quietness and calm. I remember kneeling at the window after placing the book down, remembering the chaos of the city outside my window. I lift my head, feeling an instant burn on my cheek from where I had been leaning; my arms folded over on top of the windowsill where my head had been rested. Did I fall asleep?

I look back at the digital clock, finally realising the time instead of staring at it inattentively. 14:00pm.

Brainstorming ideas of how to waste the rest of my time, the loneliness I craved began to seem...lonely. I shake off the needle sensation in my arms and legs, searching for a swimsuit in the huge closet. Surprisingly, there is one, it's a dark blue. I change into it, grabbing a towel to wrap around myself before walking downstairs. Cat isn't in the kitchen so I have no idea what she's doing but I move across the kitchen to the glass doors leading to the garden. I walk down the pavement and turn the corner seeing the sun illuminating the reflections of the pool. For autumn, today is quite sunny.

I unwrap the towel and place it on one of the sun loungers before walking down the stairs into the pool. Initially, its ripples from my legs and the warm water moves around. Is it heated or is it that warm today? I feel the light of the sun radiate onto my back. I swim lengths and glide on my back, like the feeling of floating. My arms stretch back to help me move. My eyes are closed as I bask in the sensation; I can't remember the last time I swam. This pool was one of those infinity pools where the water elegantly falls over the edge. I push my hair back out of my face and walk to the edge, my arms resting on it. I see the cars driving down the path on the hills and into the busy city streets, I see the commute of a thousand people in the distance, almost the size of small dots. It's crazy that they are all living their own lives when sometimes it feels like the universe is focused on you, watching you with its widest eyes.

Oh, to be an ordinary person. An autonomous, free, passionate, ordinary person.

All in one motion, my hands grip the edge of the pool and I slowly sink into the water, feeling it creep up my face and past my head. I straighten my arms and now I'm sitting at the bottom of the pool. I open my eyes, my sight faced with the light blue tiles of the pool. I turn my head and see the abundant body of water surrounding me. I remember as a kid when a pool had dark blue tiles it would freak me out because the water would go dark and I always thought a shark would pop up out of nowhere.

This is the closest I can get to her now.

I close my eyes but open my mouth to scream. I try to scream as loudly as possible, knowing no one will be able to hear it, attempting to get all my stress, anger and anxiety out of me at once. I see the oxygen leave my mouth in bubbles and pop on the surface. When there's no air left in me, I stand up with the help of my grip on the edge, panicking slightly. My head lifts out of the water and use my hands the brush back my hair as I catch my breath. I lean on my arms on the edge, just watching and breathing for ages. My fingers became wrinkly and textured. I close my eyes for a small moment and gasp when I hear a voice behind me.