HIGH ON LOVE// ASHTRAY x OC

self images

TW: self harm, mentions of e.d

"So you're telling me he saved you from some douchebags, got jealous that you were dancing on a dude, brought you to his home to meet the people he loved the most for dinner, and shows a side of him that nobody has ever seen before?" Maddy said in shock.

"Uh, yea?" I nodded. "But he wasn't jealous, he was just looking out for me,"

"Bitch, he likes you." She stated. "Do you like him?"

"He doesn't, I swear!" I deny. "Our friendship is..new so like, we both don't know how to go on about it, you know?"

"I mean...I guess I haven't seen him with people his age before.."Maddy trails unconvinced. "But that doesn't mean he still isn't treating you differently!"

"We just have a different friendship!" I exclaimed. "That's all, I don't even like him,"

"Hm, no girl," Maddy says. "Spill the real tea or else." We had a staring battle before I cracked.

"Okay fine!" I gave up. "I may be developing a teensy tiny crush on him," I say, pinching my fingers together.

"Told you bitch!" She squeals.

"But that's it!" I said, moving my arms. "He just...I don't know, makes me feel butterflies and that corny shit," Maddy squeals even more at my confession.

Truth is, Ash made me feel safe and protected. He made me laugh, a lot and knew how to push my buttons just right. I also liked how he cared for his family, seeing his loyalty to them made him ten times more attractive than he already was.

"Well," Maddy said, getting up from my bed, ready to leave. "I'm gonna leave you in your thoughts!" She said as she scurried away and into the silver pickup truck that could be seen from my window.

After I was sure she had left, I ran to my bathroom, throwing up the contents of the lunch she had brought over. It was like a switch, I had become so good at hiding my true self.

I was doing so good these past few weeks. But everything came crashing down when my mom had texted me late last night.

mother dearest-
hello my baby! how have you been? watching ur body?

yes, ofc mom :)
*2 images attached*

seems like you went up a little...that's okay tho! you can always work it off!
ttyl

That sent me into a spiral. I ate everything in my kitchen, wanting to go against her wishes only to throw it up moments later. This was my life. I could feel tears come to my eyes, not from the throwing up but from everything that's been going on.

I felt my feet carry me as I stripped my pants off, leaving me in my big shirt, socks and underwear. Pulling the cabinet open, I reached for a fresh pack of blades, letting my mind take over.

I wasn't enough. Nothing I fucking did was ever enough. The woman who birthed me, gave me life thought I was fucking ugly. My dad, who supposedly loves me, didn't give a shit as to what I was doing in life.

I know they've heard me throw up repeatedly in the past, ignoring my pain. They'd act like they couldn't see my bones and sunken eye bags but we all knew the truth. They were cowards and I hated myself for still loving them.

Sobs racked through my body as I shakily opened the package.

"You're not fucking good enough." I said to myself, holding a blade to my thigh. I made a cut, letting the blood dribble. There was nothing. I didn't feel better, I didn't feel worse.