Sick | BTS ✓

25

Dear Jin,

Everyone said what I did was a suicide attempt. The doctors said it. The nurses said it. The therapists said it. And when you asked me, I didn't deny it.

I didn't deny it because I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to go back to that night. I didn't want to remember how I felt. I didn't want to remember what I was thinking.

So I didn't deny it. I let you believe what everyone else said about it. That I tried to kill myself.

But when I saw the look on your face after I didn't deny it, I knew I had done something truly terrible. I hurt you.

The look you had on your face in that moment and what you said to me haunts me.

So I decided to do it. I thought about that night. Every single day. I thought about what I did. How I felt. What I thought.

And over time, I took the shattered pieces of that night and put them back together to recreate the picture.

And when I put it all together, I finally realized... I didn't try to commit suicide that night. Because I didn't want to die.

I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted the voices to stop. But I didn't want my life to stop.

Because when I was fighting with my demons that night, there was a part of my mind that whispered to me as the demons screamed.

It whispered to me... it told me to stay. It told me to fight.

So even though my demons won the battle that night, I won the war because of that part of me that wanted to survive and keep going. And the voice that told me to stay?

It was your voice.

I told you I didn't think of anything but the pain that night. But subconsciously, I did think of you. You were there with me that night.

You saved me that night.

I didn't want to die, Jin. I wanted to live. I want to live. I've always wanted to live.

For me.

For you.

For us.

So now it's your turn to learn about your inner strength. Learn how to stand on your own two feet again. Learn how to walk. Learn how to run.

And then run home to me.

Do this for yourself, Jin. Keep fighting and moving forward.

I love you so much.

Remember that you're not alone. You'll never be alone again because you're stuck with me for a long, long time.

I'm with you forever, Jin.

Love,
Clara Bear