Sick | BTS ✓

11

"What?" I ask, not wanting to believe what my therapist has just told me.

"No more gloves," he repeats patiently. "And no more covering your hands with your sleeves."

My eyes almost pop out of my head.

"Clara, don't overthink this. You've been making incredible progress. There is no doubt in my mind... you can do this."

Can I do this?

"I guess we'll find out," I laugh nervously.

He reaches his hand out and I reluctantly place the gloves into his outstretched palm.

"I'll see you tomorrow afternoon, Clara."

I smile and turn to leave the room when I realize I've come across my first obstacle already.

I have to open this door with my bare hand.

My chest hurts. I can't do this.

"Clara, just do it. Don't think," he says softly behind me.

Open the door. Open the door. Open the door.

I open the door.

Tears fall down my cheeks and I wipe them away with my clean hand.

My dirty hand is hanging in the air awkwardly as my mind goes into overdrive.

The last time I touched a door with my bare hand, I had a mental breakdown.

I can't break down. I have to be strong so I can be free of this.

I whimper as my right hand tingles. It's like I can feel the germs moving on my hand.

No. I have to wash it. Now.

I frantically begin to run towards the nearest bathroom but I'm stopped when a pair of strong arms wrap around me from behind.

"L-let me go!" I yell, wriggling to get away.

"Shhh," the person whispers into my ear. "If they see you, you'll be sedated."

The person gently pushes me into the bathroom and shuts and locks the door behind us and I immediately turn the faucet on the hottest temperature.

A hand reaches out and adjusts it to become lukewarm instead, and I glare over at the person.

Jin.

Tears are falling down my face as my hands are now under the stream of water.

It's not enough. I'm not clean.

Before I realize what I'm doing, I'm clawing at my right palm, desperate to scrape away the germs.

"Stop it," Jin says softly, grabbing my wrists.

He stands behind me and takes my hands in his, rubbing them together gently before reaching up to put some soap on my palms.

I'm still crying hysterically, but Jin is completely calm, helping me wash my hands in a safe manner.

"All clean," he whispers in my ear as he helps me to grab some paper towels.

I sniffle before turning around and burying my head in his chest, wrapping my arms around his torso.

He leans his head onto mine and rubs my hair gently, shushing me as the last of my tears fall onto his sweatshirt.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper.

"Where are your gloves?" He asks, holding me tightly against him.

My heart is beating frantically at the closeness of him, but I ignore the voice in my head telling me to break down again.

"I'm not allowed to use them anymore."

I feel him nod against my head and I squeeze him more tightly.

"Are you calming down now? I'm sorry if this is too much touching."

I shake my head. "I'm not calm. But don't let go... please. You make me feel... safe."

"Let's go to your room, okay? No day room for you today," he suggests and I nod wordlessly.

He leads me out of the bathroom and to my room, letting the nurses know we were going to hang out there instead of in the day room.

I immediately lay down in my bed and curl into a ball.

I'm never going to be free of this. I'm just as crazy as everyone says.

"Clara Bear," Jin says softly, kneeling down next to the bed so we're face to face.

"Jin."

He reaches over to the nearest wall and knocks three times on it.

I smile softly before reaching up and knocking back.

"See? You're not alone," he whispers, a genuine look in his eyes.

"You're not alone either. Even though I'm messed up in the head, I'm still here for you. I'll never be able to thank you enough for being you," I reply, watching him intently as he sits down on the floor next to my bed.

"Can I ask you something?" He asks.

I nod.

"Why can you so easily touch me?"

"With you, it's like I don't have to think. It's all so natural. My mind still freaks out, but I don't overthink it before I hug you or hold your hand. Everything else makes my mind go into a panic. But you kind of bring me back to myself. You remind me that I'm okay."

"I don't talk about my problems a lot, Clara. But I just need you to know... you help me more than anyone ever has. Just by being here. By being you. That voice in my head telling me that I need to hurt myself and that I'm better off dead... it's quiet when I'm with you," Jin says quietly, eyes locked on mine.

And again, I have an urge to do something new with him.

And again, I don't overthink it or second guess myself.

And again, I do it.

I lean my head forward and press my lips against his.

My hand comes up to gently rest on his cheek as I kiss him, and he immediately kisses me back, keeping his hands in his lap so he doesn't overwhelm me.

I laugh into the kiss and I can feel him smiling.

I sit up and move to sit down on the floor next to him before turning to face him.

He frowns slightly, watching me intently for any signs of another breakdown.

"I'm okay," I say, nodding my head.

"Me too," he smiles.

I reach over and take his hand in mine, our fingers intertwining like they always do so perfectly.

We both lean against my bed and I stare at the ceiling, content in knowing that with this boy by my side, I can do anything.

I can see him watching me out of the corner of my eye.