Sick | BTS ✓

17

When I wake up, I see that I'm not in my hospital room anymore.

I'm in my old room at the mental hospital.

I scream out in frustration as I throw my head backwards against my pillow, which I immediately regret because it sends a sharp pain through me.

I'm pleasantly surprised to find that I'm not restrained anymore, so I get up and pound on my door.

A nurse opens it, and smiles softly at me. "Are you hungry? It's dinner time."

"How long have I been here?" I snap angrily. "Where is Jin?"

"You were transported here this morning. You weren't supposed to be here until tomorrow, but they determined you to be physically healthy enough to be moved here today."

"Jin. Where is he?" I ask again.

The nurse looks at me confused. "He left here the same day you did. Remember?"

I roll my eyes. "Listen, lady. He's upset and he needs me. Didn't he come here today to visit me?"

"No, Clara. Nobody came to visit you today," the nurse says. "Come eat some dinner. You must be starving."

"I don't want food. I want him."

She sighs. "Visiting hours are over, anyways. Maybe he will come tomorrow. You know he'll be upset knowing that you haven't eaten."

My gaze softens at that. He would be so mad at me if he knew I wasn't eating.

"Okay. I'll eat," I say.

She nods and leads me to the cafeteria.

Once I enter and get my food, I sit down and stare at my tray blankly.

It's so strange being here without him.

I eat silently, hoping that I'll have a visitor tomorrow.

**********

"It's been a month since you've come back. How are you adjusting with your new medications?" Dr. Kim asks me.

My heart aches.

A month? It's been a month... a month since I've seen Jin.

He's never come to visit me. Not once.

Dr. Kim watches me expectantly. "I feel good. I just..."

"You miss Jin."

I nod.

I do miss him.

Mentally, I've never been healthier. I've been put on stronger medications and I've been going through intensive therapy, which eventually led to me talking about my parents.

I'm healing. Not like before.

Before, I was using Jin as a crutch. I relied on his presence to feel happy. Without him, I was lost in darkness again.

It was toxic.

But now, I've learned how to be happy and healthy all on my own.

I still have a long way to go, but I'm moving forward.

Slowly but surely.

"You needed this time away from him. You were-"

"Relying on him too much. I know," I finish for him, smiling. "I see that now."

He nods. "We'll pick this back up tomorrow afternoon, okay?"

"Okay," I say.

I leave his office and walk aimlessly along the halls.

"Hey," Yoongi pops up next to me, nudging my shoulder.

I laugh. "Please tell me you weren't waiting for me."

"My therapy session finishes before yours. What else am I supposed to do besides stalk you?" He jokes.

"Weirdo," I say, smiling kindly at my friend.

Yoongi came back the day after I did. He snapped and attacked someone during his shift at the restaurant he worked at.

Turns out, Yoongi stopped taking his medication, and unfortunately, one of his customers pushed him over the edge.

So he was sent back here to get himself back under control, and we grew closer as friends over time.

Our relationship is a "positive influence" on each other as Dr. Kim explained one day. We don't rely on each other as I used to with Jin.

I only brought Jin down with my problems and I was destructive not only to him, but to myself.

I hope I can see Jin again someday.

I want to apologize for how toxic I was and how much I hurt him.

"Earth to Clara," Yoongi says, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

"Sorry," I chuckle.

"Thinking about your boyfriend again?" He jokes, poking me in my side.

I shove him playfully. "Not my boyfriend. He deserves so much better. And besides, I'm pretty sure he forgot about me by now. I mean, he never visits me."

"Maybe he's just giving you space. That's what your therapist said that you needed, so maybe he mentioned the same thing to Jin. Maybe he stayed away so you could learn to love yourself instead of relying on him to love you," Yoongi says, shrugging his shoulders.

My heart flutters at the possibility of Jin loving me one day.

He's never met the truly healthy version of me. He's just met that version of myself that thought everything was fine, when in reality things were worse than ever because I kept so much pain hidden away instead of talking about it and freeing it from my mind.

Would he still like me?

Or did I hurt him too much for him to ever forgive me?

I met him in a vulnerable time in my life, and to me, he was my lifeline. My oxygen in the world that was slowly suffocating me.

I latched onto him so desperately, I didn't realize that I was sucking the very life out of him.

Because he is just such an incredible person, he couldn't ever tell me how much I was hurting him because he saw how happy I was.

But I know now.

My mind isn't clouded with agony anymore.

I see how toxic I was. Not only to him, but to myself.

But I'm on the path of true recovery this time, and I will never hurt him or anyone else like that again.

I will never hurt myself again.

"Clara," Yoongi says in a quiet voice, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Hmm?" I say absentmindedly.

I glance over at him when he doesn't reply. He's just pointing to a table in the day room.

My gaze follows where his finger is pointing and I stop in my tracks when I see the familiar person sitting by himself at the usual table, shuffling a deck of cards.

Jin.