Sick | BTS ✓

7

"I opened a door today. The gloves were on, but I opened a door," I say, beaming at Dr. Kim.

"You're making progress just like I said you would, Clara," he smiles back, folding his hands together on his lap. "How did you feel afterwards?"

"Liberated."

"No anxiety? No dark thoughts?"

"Nope. I just felt proud of myself."

"Very, very good. I'm so proud of you. From now on, I want you to always open the doors for yourself. You can still keep the gloves on when you're not in your sessions for now. Sound like a fair compromise?"

I nod. "Yes, I think I can handle it."

Dr. Kim smiles. "Do you think you can handle a new challenge? I don't want to push you too hard, Clara."

I think about it.

Touching the door with my covered hand truly didn't bother me at all, which was such a change in how I've always handled it before coming here. I've only been here for a week and already, I'm doing things I never thought I would ever be able to do. I have a support system now with my therapists and my new friend.

"I can handle something new," I say confidently. I need to make myself proud again. I can't stop now when I'm finally truly making progress.

He nods. "Then today, I want you to let someone touch your hand. It can be with your glove on, but I want someone's bare hand to touch your hand."

I feel a pang of anxiety hit my chest, but I take a deep breath to silence it.

"I'll do it."

He nods. "Don't let yourself become victim to the obsessive thoughts this time. Take control of your mind. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

I nod and give a small smile before pulling my gloves back on and making my way to the door, easily opening it myself and heading back towards the day room.

It's suddenly so easy for me. Maybe it's the gloves making me feel protected.

I walk along the hallway, lost in thought as I try to accept that someone is going to touch my hand.

I want to do it without my gloves. I want to take control of the fear and anxiety and show myself that I'm not crazy.

But it's too soon. I'm not ready for that.

Maybe I'm not even ready for someone to touch my hand with a glove protecting it.

But I'm committed to this.

I'm committed to piecing my broken mind back together.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I only have one friend here, and even though Jimin and Yoongi have the potential to become my friends, I've only met them once.

I don't trust them enough to ask them for this favor. I don't know them yet.

I haven't known Jin for very long, but he's never been anything but supportive and optimistic.

I'm beginning to trust him. He's my friend.

When I enter the day room, Jin immediately looks up from shuffling the deck of cards and grins when he sees me.

"Clara Bear! How was therapy?"

I sigh at the nickname. "Productive. I have a new assignment."

"Oh? Am I allowed to ask what it is?"

I nod nervously. "I actually need you to help me with it. You're the only one I can trust with this, I guess."

He grins proudly and puffs out his chest. "Just call me Prince Charming."

"Please stop."

He laughs, which causes my disgusted face to break out into a grin.

His laugh gets me every time.

"What is it?" He asks, cocking his head to the side.

"I need you to hold my hand," I say quietly, sitting down in my usual seat across from him.

He keeps his gaze on me, watching me intently. "Are you sure?"

"Not without my glove... but yes."

He nods and immediately places the deck of cards on the small table and holds out his hand towards me.

"Take your time."

I nod slowly, eyes locked on his outstretched hand.

"A-are your hands clean?" I whisper.

"Yes. I washed my hands before coming back in here, which was about 15 minutes ago."

I feel my breathing quicken and my palms begin to sweat in the gloves, which is a very uncomfortable feeling.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

Before I can talk myself out of it, I softly put my hand into his, and he gently curls his fingers around mine.

I stare at our interlocked hands in silence, my heart pounding in my chest.

I haven't touched someone else's hand in years.

"Am I okay?" I ask, more to myself but Jin heard me.

"You're okay."

My eyes glance up to meet his gaze and he's just watching me, carefully studying my face to figure out my emotions.

"I'm okay," I repeat back to him.

"You're okay."

I nod slowly, eyes locked on his.

I feel light-headed because my heart is beating so fast, but I don't let go.

I can do this.

I am doing this.

"Say it again," he urges.

I blink a few times before taking a deep breath. "I'm okay."

"Again."

"I'm okay."

"Do you believe it yet?"

Do I?

My heart is pounding, my chest hurts, I feel like I'm going to pass out and I'm sweating.

My right hand is resting on my thigh clenched into a fist. I'm bouncing my left leg to calm down the screaming in my head telling me to run away from this unsafe situation.

I give my head a small shake.

I don't think I'm okay.

"Then I'll keep holding your hand until you are okay."