His Lifeline | [2] ✔️

9. Accepting

Mentions of religion (lgbt)

L U C A S
5th, October 2021

It's like a time schedule every time something happens between me and Aiden I intend to go days without going near him so me being stubborn of my own mind of want and need for Aiden and feeling so damn selfish for doing this to Lyn.

I haven't seen Aiden in exactly eight days and it's killing me. He hasn't been to school and I know it's because of me that he hasn't been coming in. The next day when I woke up my mind replayed of the previous nights occurrence and I was appalled that I punched him.

It was in the heat of the moment and the way he called Lyn names I didn't like it but I didn't punch him for that. I punched him because he is making me feel things that I've told myself never to feel for him.

I miss his touch on me. I miss the way he was soft and gentle with me. I miss him.

So with that I tried to follow the holy ways even though I may be Christian I am in no way holy and spiritual. But ever since this happened. I've been saying prayers at night telling no asking God to forgive me for my sins but at the same time why should I?

The bible doesn't say that God hates both sexes to be together. What it does say however, is that God loves everyone equally.

But what I don't understand is that if God hates gays then why are there any? Nobody chooses to be gay, God made them that way. And God makes no mistakes.

But what if he is wrong about me?

Should I submit to my confessions and confess to Aiden why I ran? Why I'm scared?

Shouldn't God love all his children?

Should I say what I feel inside? What do I feel? I don't even know but what I do know is that I want Aiden.

I can't change what happened. I can't forget what happened. I wish I could. I don't even know if I am lying to myself or not?

I sigh as I tune back into my families bickering at dinner. I sit there playing with my food as the world continues around me.

"If I had to have any theme song for my daily life theme song I would have miraculous" I hear Alex say to Elijah who scrunches up his nose shaking his head laughing as Alex puts red sauce on his chips even though he already has gravy on it

"Rewlly? I think I'd choose the paw patrol theme song and did you just put red sauce over gravy?" Elijah said in his cute baby voice as he looks appalled at Alex like he was a mad man. Which he is.

"No no no way not paw patrol all it is is drums and literally dogs woofing. And yes I did baby brother, anyone who doesn't put red sauce on their gravy are heavily harmed serial killers" Alex said seriously to a still 'about to throw up' Elijah in the eyes as he takes a bite making me cringe even at that.

I turn away as I continue to play with my food for what felt like ages until a cough snapped me away from my thoughts as I look up to see my older brothers looking at me while Emilie and Elijah are gone. I raise my brow, "what?"

"You haven't ate anything" papa spoke first raising his brow at me. "Why aren't you eating? Are you sick?"

I shook my head for no, "I'm just not hungry" I shrugged.

"Why?" Mariano questioned.

"Because I don't feel like it" I glared at him but I'm not mad at them for being worried. I just have a lot on my mind.

"Lucas" Papa said sternly as i mutter a 'sorry'.

"I..I ju-" I shook my head. I shouldn't worry them with my problems. It's not fair.