If You See Kay (Danny O'Donoghue)

Chapter 16: Breakeven part 1

Kay

'Baby are you okay?', Danny asked me before the day of The Voice final. 'I'm fine, just want The Voice to be over really', I said. Danny nodded. He didn't said much to me these past few days. We were just practising for our duet. Both nervous as hell, the last time we did a duet it didn't really end well. At one point I didn't even wanted to do it.

We are going to sing Breakeven together, which I love. Michael forced me to do it. Holly came towards me, without the camera's or microphone, just to me personal. 'Hey dear, I know you must have heard it a thousand times, but how are you, are you up for this?', Holly asked. 'Well if I have a break down, you be the first to know', I said. 'I am so sorry for the both of you, I just wanted you to know that', Holly said. 'Thank you Holly for your support, I read the BBC tweets, I just couldn't ensure them', I said. 'I understand dear, I've never told anyone this, but you are different, you and I, we've been trough the same thing. 'Did you lost a child too?', I asked her surprised. 'Yes I did, my first child, I was 4 months pregnant, had a really abusive husband and he pushed me once and I fell down the stairs. I was fine, the baby wasn't, I got rid of him thankfully', Holly said. 'Oow Holly I'm so sorry', I said and I hugged her. 'It's okay now, I've got 3 children, 3 beautiful daughters and a sweet husband who would do anything for me, but you will always miss that first child you've lost, there is no deny in that, you will need time to process which no one has given you these days, it might be even harder for you, I just want to be really honest with you', Holly said. 'Thank you Holly, right now I have more to people who are honest with me then kind words', I said. 'See, that is where we are the same', Holly said with a smile. I hugged her. 'Thanks, oh Holly, may I ask, how did you cope with it?', I asked. 'I didn't, for a really long time, until I found Michael', Holly said. 'Wait... Michael as in...', I started. 'Our producer Michael yeah, he is my true love, the father of my children', Holly said. 'Holly you are filled with surprises', I said with a smile. 'I know he has been really hard on you, it's just that it is his fault if things go wrong during The Voice, bad publicity would be his fault and that will cost money', Holly said. 'Hey, I never said I didn't understood it, it just sucked for a while', I said with a smile. 'I get that', Holly said and she smiled and hugged me for one last time, wished me good luck and walked away.

I felt a little bit better after I talked to Holly. Of course I was still sad and feeling empty, she doesn't change that in minutes. Danny tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. I remembered the last live show were we were both so happy to see each other. Without the pain we were both carrying at the moment. His eyes stood different then last time. There was way more sadness in his eyes, the emptiness I felt he must feel too. His touch made me jump. 'Sorry', he whispered. 'Danny, sweetheart, you must know this. I would never regret the day I choose to be on your team', I said with a smile. 'Not even after all the things that happened this week, you didn't wished you could turn back time and rewrite those lines', Danny asked. 'Well I might would have turned back time during the Hyde Park festival, but all these other moments I have with you, never rewrite those Danny, but I can't deny that it hurts me too see you like this', I said. 'Too see me how?', Danny askd. 'Hurt, I have never seen you like this, you have never seen me like this, after The Voice. I think...', I started. 'Don't say it yet okay, please. I'm not sure if I can handle it right now', Danny said. 'I am not sure either Danny, know that I love you okay', I said. 'I love you too', Danny said.

Danny was announced as coach and people clapped and cheered when he arrived. I was last to perform today. I didn't mind it at all. I had a little time for myself that way. The others first sang a song from themselves, then with there coach. After waiting for 1.5 hours I was up. 'Ladies and gentleman, here she is singing her heart out, we all appreciate it if you guys won't ask how she is feeling right now, but she is singing about her feelings as the best, it is Kay McClane', Holly announced.

I indeed sang my heart out like Holly said. It was due or die at this time and I didn't want sympathy votes. I actually wanted out this competition, but Michael wouldn't let me. I sang Hey How from the Lumineers.

I sang my song that was going great. I tried to smile afterwards, but it didn't really worked out that well. Danny and I got to sing our song together. Our duet was beautiful and we showed our love to everyone, bot of us weren't really sure about anything. Not even our love for each other was certain for the both of us. Still, during the song Danny placed his hand softly and gentle on my hips. He kissed me on my cheek. Normally he would have kissed me on my lips. I knew that. That is why I knew that our love for the both of us wasn't really certain anymore. Not after we lost our child. After I lost our child. I still felt it was my fault. Since I was the one carrying our baby in my belly.

'Wasn't that the sweetest duet we've ever had on The Voice', Holly said with a smile. 'Thanks Holly', Danny said and he put his hands around my waste. 'We love each other, I hope the world sees that', Danny said. 'Well we sure do, don't we', Holly said. The cheering from the audience just confirmed that. Danny let go of me more quickly then he ever did. It hurt my feelings a little. I couldn't help but wonder if he thought it was my fault that I'd lost the baby. He kept saying that it isn't, but we both know the truth deep down in our hearts.

The first team that lost was Team Jessie. I'm sorry, but Jessie didn't had the best team member left. Then there were a few artists playing. The Script was playing as well. Usually I payed attention to them at all costs, but this time I sat next to my mum and dad and looked around, trying to avoid Danny's looks. My heart hurt like hell. It was like a huge part of me was missing. Not just because of the baby that I lost, but now it feels like I am losing Danny too. It feels like we are the song, we are Breakeven. I had the urge to walk away from all of this, but then I was sure that I screwed things up between me and Danny. The heart ache was just too much for me to bare. I missed Danny's smile. His touch. The happiness we felt when we are with each other. I felt like crying right now. Oh God I am so bad. I looked at my mum and she understood. She helped me trough the audience and I made my way backstage. Even when he was singing Danny's eyes followed me, filled with concern.

'What's the matter?', Dana asked as she was backstage. 'It hurts so bad Dana, it hurts', I sobbed. 'Were?', Dana asked. 'My heart. I feel broken now, shattered, I don't know what to do anymore, I can't do it. I just can't, that performance you just watched, it was one big play, I can't look at him anymore like I used to. I can't... oh Dana I screwed up, and I love him so much', I sobbed. Dana was hugging me tight. 'Mum', I said as she was standing right behind me and heard everything I said. 'Darling, it's okay. Ssssh things will get better', my mum said hugging me. I sobbed in my mums arms. 'I didn't even had time to morn mum, I didn't even got a chance to cry and now I'm crying, the worst timing ever', I said.

The Script was apparently done singing as Danny came backstage to take me on stage and he saw me crying. 'No... tell him I don't want to', I mumbled in my mums arms. I felt like a child now. I couldn't put on a brave face when I was with Danny. 'Danny, I am sorry she doesn't want you to comfort her now, I am here', my mum said. 'Look, I love it that you are here, but I need to be here for her, Kay baby please, I know you are hurt, but I am hurt too, we need each other, like it or not, and now Michael needs us on stage for the results, you don't want to miss that do you?', Danny asked. I shook my head. I didn't want to miss that to be honest. Even though I was planning on walking away from it all 10 minutes ago, I now wanted to know who won The Voice. I wouldn't even mind if it wasn't me.

'Come on baby, I got ya', Danny said. 'I'm sorry Danny', I said. 'Ssssh, it's okay, we talk about it when we are alone okay sweetheart, now we both need to be strong', Danny said. My make-up was done again. Michael was angry at us because we were taking a long time to comfort me. Holly told her husband to fuck off and leave me alone, which I am truly grateful for. Holly is a darling.

The line up was done. I went back up stage. Danny was sitting in his chair again. 'So... welcome back everyone, let's find out who won The Voice UK 2013', Holly said and she was opening up her cards. I looked at Danny who looked at me, supported me with his eyes. His beautiful brown eyes were staring right into mine. 'The winner of The Voice UK 2013 is...', Holly started. Suddenly I did cared if I'd win. I wanted to win, I needed it. I worked hard for it. 'It's Kay McClane!', Holly yelled.

The audience cheered and smiled. The others came to hug me. Danny came running towards me and hugged me tight. 'Well done sweetheart, I knew you could do it, I knew you are my winner', Danny said with a smile. I saw he meant it. He kissed me on my lips. I felt a little joy after all the drama I've been trough. Danny kissed me again, in front of thousands of people and people who were watching at home. It was scary to think that this could be all over in a second.