Bitter

fifty-eight - cal

   It wasn't real, but it felt like it. The walls and corners of the room could only be described as smudged, like they blended into the other rooms neighboring it. I was sitting on the cushion of a wooden chair pulled up beside a hospital bed, watching over a young girl as she slept soundly. She looked much different than I remembered her too. She looked healthier.

   She had a full head of soft, brown hair and her skin was slightly tanned, like she'd never been confined to a hospital room and had had a childhood, playing outside under the sun. She didn't, however, have a face. I didn't need to see it to know it was Ella. My sister's hand reached for mine and I took it, smiling at her. Waves of warm, yellow light radiated from her and I could feel she was smiling too. We didn't say anything to each other, but we never really felt the need to.

   I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want the moment to end. I'd never been so...happy before. It was right after that realization that I heard the beeping, a constant rhythm weaving throughout the room. Ella held onto my hand as the walls around us closed in, swallowed by light, and then she turned into mist and I somehow absorbed everything, absorbed every single feeling lingering in the room.

   My eyes fluttered open suddenly and I was eased out of a dream and into reality again. The beeping, I figured out, came from the machine next to my bed. That was when I realized I wasn't in my room at home and I sat up a little, taking in my surroundings. A wide window was to my right, displaying a scene of tiny pinpricks of light, scattered in the night. Downtown. I almost got up out of bed to look outside when a searing pain travelled down my leg and up my side, causing me to slump back again. Great. I was stuck in the hospital.

   Sighing, I let my gaze wander to a vase full of yellow flowers on a table beside my bed. I stretched my fingers out to them, just to feel them or something, I didn't really know, but I couldn't reach and I realized all at once just how exhausted I was. I fell asleep for maybe an hour when I was woken up by a nurse who stuck something in my arm, pinching my skin. Then I was out again and I could remember drifting in and out of consciousness so much I couldn't keep track of what day it was or why I was even there.

   It was a couple days after I'd first woken up in the hospital that Mom and Dad showed up. Mom had just gotten off work and when the two of them arrived in the doorway, she hurried into the room, set her purse down on a chair, and stood at the side of my bed, examining my current state. It was a couple seconds before her eyes started watering and she looked away, hand covering her mouth. Dad came up beside her then, putting one arm around her shoulders as he stared at me in what seemed to be shock.

   Mom broke away from Dad eventually to sit down in the chair next to me and we all sat in silence, Mom occasionally sniffling or asking in a whisper, "How did this happen?" I couldn't really answer this question for her yet because I could barely remember everything myself. What happened? I closed my eyes then, willing my brain to give me something, anything to work with. Images slowly flooded in, one by one: homecoming, rain, lightning, a switchblade, West Haley, and Lydia Bosher. I pieced it all together. Haley had stabbed me, he'd stabbed Lydia, he'd stabbed himself and then I guess I'd blacked out. Was he still alive? Was Lydia still alive? I'd survived so it was possible, right?

   "Is Lydia okay?" I breathed, noticing just now how dry my throat was. Mom was looking at me then and she smiled through her tears, nodding. She reached over and smoothed my wild hair out of my face.

   "I heard what happened," she spoke, putting her hand over mine. "But how did it happen?" she asked, eyes flashing with concern.

   How was I even supposed to explain it all? Where was I supposed to start? Before I could attempt to answer, Dad interrupted, walking around to the other side of my bed. "We should let him rest, Penny. He's tired," he said.

   Mom looked down and wiped a stray tear from her eyes, all while nodding slowly. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she whispered, gaze flicking back up to meet mine. "We'll come by again tonight, okay?"

   "Okay," I told her, watching her stand up from her chair and gather her coat and purse. She then gave my hand one last squeeze and smiled tiredly before heading for the door. Dad was walking around the bed, but he took Mom's place by my side and looked over his shoulder, at Mom standing, ready to leave.

"You can go on ahead, I'll be right out," he assured her. Mom hesitated in the doorway before nodding, gaze flicking to me before disappearing out of the room. Now it was just me and Dad, and as I stared up at him, I thought I saw his eyes glistening in the harsh hospital light.

"You didn't have to come," I rasped, feeling a tiredness settle over me like a weighted blanket. Dad tried to keep it together, but I could tell the tears were threatening to spill out. He'd been in the hospital 24/7 to be there for Ella and I knew it was hard to hear the familiar beeping of monitors and the smell of rubbing alcohol. I knew it was hard for him because it was hard for me too and I couldn't wait to get out of here.

Dad sat in the chair Mom had been in and looked down at the floor. "Of course I had to, Cal," he mumbled, "you almost died." His voice broke on the last word.

I could feel a lump in my throat as I turned my attention to the window, focusing on the view of downtown in the daylight. "I didn't think you would," I admitted, thinking back to all the times he'd holed up in his room and turned the TV volume up to block out life around him. To be completely honest, I really didn't expect Dad to be in the room with me, even after what happened with Haley. I swallowed, a tightness in my chest growing. "I thought...since Ella was here all the time you wouldn't want to be here," I explained. No one, not Dad, Mom, or me had said Ella's name out loud until now.

"Cal," Dad said, and I looked back over at him then, his sad eyes on me. "I'm here for you right now, not Ella. I wouldn't let anything or anyone stop me from being here with you," he comforted, putting his hand over mine like Mom had done.

That was when I lost it. I didn't know if it was because I was so exhausted or it was all of the medicine I'd been given or if I'd just heard something I'd wanted to hear for so long. Salty, warm tears were suddenly sliding down my face and Dad rose up from his chair and pulled me into a hug as if it was a reflex. I sniffled and shook, shutting my eyes as I let myself think of Ella and Mom and Dad, all while Dad repeatedly reassured me I was going to be okay. I thought about how Haley had killed himself right in front of me, and how I hoped Lydia was doing better than me right now. Then I wondered if Marco had ever found Meg and if she was okay and if anyone else had visited me other than Mom and Dad.

The thoughts kept rolling in and since I was already so tired, they drained the little energy I had left from my body. I couldn't really remember when I'd stopped crying or when Dad let me go. I sort of just drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep sometime after that and it was probably the best sleep I'd ever had. It most likely only lasted a couple hours, but it sure felt like months and I'd gone into hibernation or something. I still didn't know what day it was but it really didn't matter right now. Everything blended together and I was so out of it, nothing made sense to me anyway. When I woke up the next time, vision blurry just after opening my eyes, I wasn't even surprised to see an angel standing beside my hospital bed.