Bitter

thirty-eight - lydia

   "I was there when Jason died," I told Cal. He stared back at me blankly, holding a roll of paper towels and processing what I'd just admitted to him. I hadn't planned to tell him that his friend had died before my eyes like this. To be honest, I wasn't entirely sure when I would've told him if not now, but I really hadn't wanted to tell him when his family was over at my house for dinner.

   Mom had brought up the idea of inviting the Warricks just after I'd gotten home from school earlier today. She'd heard from Penny (Cal's mom) about Jason Miller and thought it'd be nice to have Cal and his family over (since they were all pretty close with Jason's family). Even though I didn't want Cal stepping foot into our house, I'd sucked my complaint up and agreed with Mom that it wasn't just a nice gesture, but the right thing to do.

   I'd been thinking about that moment Jason slipped off the parking garage since last night and I hadn't been able to sleep after that. I'd hoped that the dinner Mom was planning would distract me from everything, but it only made me feel worse. I could barely even look at Cal once he arrived a while ago. Every time I saw him I'd just think of Jason and completely lose my train of thought. The memory flashing in my mind was eating at me and I needed to tell someone about it before it swallowed me whole.

   That was what led to me blurting out in my basement that I'd witnessed Jason's death. Saying I was sorry over text did nothing, I had to tell Cal to his face and this was the only way I could do it. Of course, I wasn't responsible for Jason falling to his death, but I was there when it all went down, I saw it happen, and that was enough for me to feel guilty.

   Cal wasn't saying anything, but his brow furrowed and his brown eyes looked me up and down like he was seeing me for the first time. "What—what do you mean?" he finally stuttered a little. This was the first time I'd ever seen him speechless.

   I avoided his gaze and blew out a shaky breath. "Last night, Meg and I..." I crossed my arms tightly, the cold air from the basement suddenly getting to me. "We saw a movie and then...then we walked back to her car and...and we were just trying to go home. That's all we were trying to do," I explained, shrugging helplessly. Hot tears were forming in my eyes, but I forced them back when I glanced at Cal again. I was not going to cry in front of him. "We were in the parking garage and he came out of nowhere. He just ran towards us with that mask he wore on Halloween once, when you guys scared me that one year. He wasn't acting...right. He might've been on something, I don't know," I mumbled, feeling a tear slide down my cheek even though I'd tried my best to prevent it. "And then he forced Meg over to the edge and he..." I shook my head, not wanting to speak the rest. "He fell from the parking garage. I didn't have time to save him," I uttered.

   It was so quiet in the basement, and when I didn't hear Cal reply, I looked up at him to try and gauge what he might be feeling. He was angry, I could tell. His glare said it all, so I quickly continued. "If you think I'm lying, just ask Meg, she was there and she—"

   "No," Cal cut me off, eyes narrowing as mine widened. "No, I believe you." Well, I wasn't expecting that.

   "You do?" I asked, wiping my wet cheeks on my sleeve.

   "Yeah," Cal said, "this is Haley's fault. Jason was hanging out with him a lot even when he knew Haley was crazy. It was mostly for the drugs anyway. It explains why Jason was acting weird." Cal watched me as I still attempted to hide that I'd cried a little, though it was too late for that because it was obvious. I'd thought he'd mock me or something, but he ignored it surprisingly and for that I was relieved. "Jason was probably the one working with Haley, and I didn't even see it," he muttered, then gave a bitter laugh. "Don't know why he would do that."

   I didn't have any answers for Cal, but I did know that getting paper towels wasn't supposed to take as long as it had. "We should probably go back up now," I mentioned, to which Cal nodded and turned around for the stairs.

   "Wait," he said, whirling back to face me again. He had one foot on the first step, but was looking down at me. His mouth opened to say something, then closed. His hands were both in his sweatshirt pockets and he took one out, then put it back in, like he was deciding against doing something. "Thanks for telling me," he ultimately said, then turned back around to head up the stairs. "Sorry he did that to you guys," he apologized softly. Cal apologized for what happened to Meg and me. He didn't have to. He wasn't responsible for Jason's actions. And yet, he had still said that and sounded like he meant it.

   Once we'd gotten back to the dining table with the paper towels, everyone helped clean up the lemonade I'd almost forgotten about and we all ate the remainder of the dinner. Cal and I didn't speak for the rest of the time he was here and it had been a little difficult to pretend he wasn't right beside me. His mom and dad were very nice and were a great distraction though, until we all said goodbye to each other on the porch, the moon already a spotlight in the partially cloudy night sky. Cal looked back at me once when they were all getting into their car, but it was so quick I could've imagined it.

   "That went pretty well," Mom commented as soon as she'd closed the front door and the Warricks' car rumbled down the street. "Poor boy was at least civil to you this time."

   I didn't respond, just went to the dining room and began cleaning up the glasses and plates, bringing them to the sink. Mom followed me into the kitchen and threw away any trash and put away the leftovers while I washed the dishes. The running water was the only sound filling the room, that is, until Mom spoke again. "It's terrible what happened to his friend. It must be hard."

   "Yeah," I agreed, looking out the window above the sink, out to our backyard. Cal's words in the basement drifted back to me. Thanks for telling me. Sorry he did that to you guys. I sighed, seeing Mom's reflection in the glass close the fridge. "I think I'm going to go to the funeral."

   I turned the faucet off and spun around to see Mom already looking at me curiously. "That's actually what I was going to suggest," she said slowly. I think she was catching on that Cal and I were no longer at war with each other. Even I was just now realizing how much had changed since the start of the school year in September. I was going to the funeral for Jason, yes, but also for Cal. It was the right thing to do. I was officially putting our past behind me and, interestingly enough, I found myself hoping he would do the same. Who knew finding a roll of paper towels would lead to me willingly going somewhere Cal Warrick would be?