Bitter

forty-two - cal

   I was used to it already. I'd been to one before so it wasn't really anything new. The only difference between the funeral I was currently getting ready for and the last one I'd been to was the person in the casket. This was going to be one long Friday I could tell you that.

   "Cal, have you seen my purse?" Mom called from downstairs. I could hear her rushing around, her shoes thumping on the wood floor. "Cal!" she yelled again when I hadn't answered.

   "No!" I called back from my room, rolling my eyes as I stared back at myself in the mirror. I fixed my tie a little and heaved a sigh. Tired. That was how I looked despite trying my best to be presentable and decent. It was kind of hard to look okay at a funeral though, so I wasn't really worried about it. I doubted Jason's parents would care. As long as I wore black, I was good.

   "Cal! We're going to be late! Hurry up up there!" Mom shouted. I cursed and left my room, turning the corner to almost run into Dad who I guess had forgotten something in his room.

   He stood there in the hallway for a moment, then gave me a humorless smile. No words were said between us. He just shuffled by me with a squeeze on my shoulder, disappearing into his room, and I looked back at the door closing gently behind him.

———

   "Why isn't he going?" I asked as soon as I got in the passenger seat of Mom's car. He seriously couldn't be there? Even for Jason's family?

   Mom kept her eyes glued to the road after we'd rolled down the driveway and headed for the church just outside the neighborhood. The one Lydia and I had passed the night Haley tried drowning Marco. "You know why," Mom replied quietly.

   "No, actually, I don't," I muttered, watching Mom's grip tighten on the wheel. She blew out a slow breath, like she was trying to keep herself under control for once.

   "Cal, we are not doing this right now," she warned. I didn't say anything after that, at least, not until we'd arrived and pulled into the church parking lot. She had just turned the car off when I faced her.

   "I just," I started, "don't understand why he gets to stay home when we have to—"

   "Cal," Mom interrupted, running a hand through her dark hair, "stop, please. Do not do this right now." She looked over at me then. "You know this," she gestured around her, to all of the people dressed in black outside, filing through the church doors and away from the orange light of the setting sun, "reminds him too much of her."

   "Yeah, and it reminds me of her too but I'm not complaining," I argued back.

   "Your father is not complaining, Cal," Mom raised her voice, "it's just his way of dealing with everything."

   "Locking himself in his room forever?" I went on.

   "Seriously, Cal," Mom urged, giving me a murderous look before opening her door. "Enough." Then she stepped out and slammed the door shut, leaving me in the car alone where I sat back in the passenger seat for a second, just to try and shove down the anger I felt towards Dad right then. He couldn't be bothered to be at this funeral, for me or my friend that had died. He was still hung up on the memories of her and I hated it.

   Even when I was sitting next to Mom in one of the pews inside the church, I couldn't get my mind off how Dad wasn't there with us. Mom should've forced him to come, done something. Lydia hadn't even known Jason and she was there, her mom beside her on the other side of the church. Lydia and I hadn't talked since Wednesday night after I'd dropped her off, since whatever happened with Haley, but we briefly saw each other at school yesterday. She didn't hang around Haley anymore and I didn't know where she was keeping that switchblade, but I never asked. It was a good thing she had it and not Haley and that was all that mattered.

   Jason's mom and dad said a few words up at the front of the church, his dad delivering most of the speech when his mom got choked up and couldn't speak through the tears. I went up after Jason's grandpa's turn, talking about how Jason had always been there for me and refrained from saying anything bad about him. Like how he'd told Haley stuff about me that I hadn't really wanted anyone to know. For now, I filtered out the bad and remembered this never would've happened if Haley hadn't come back in my life. I told a few funny stories (the one about Jason pretending to be sick just so he didn't have to ride some roller coaster when we were younger got everyone laughing). The stories weren't even that good, but I guess it allowed everyone to feel better (or at least pretend to feel better), at least for a minute or two. I saw Lydia in the crowd, smiling at what I'd said. So I continued.

   Then all of it was over just like that. Everyone went around speaking to each other and hugging and crying and I even met up with Marco (who had Meg next to him) and Zach. People I'd never seen in my life were going up to Jason's family, expressing their sympathy and Jason's dad broke down again. I had to look away when that happened, but then my gaze landed on something, or should I say someone, that made any feeling in me vanish. I thought I saw someone standing kind of in the corner of the church at the back. It didn't take me long to realize I hadn't imagined it. Silver eyes were glaring at me and I couldn't look away. Where had he come from? Who let him in here? He was just standing there, arms crossed. Then he lifted his chin up a little and grinned. That was when I felt the urge rise up, the urge to run at him and punch him right in the face. Go crazy like I had before in the hallway at school. West Haley was at Jason Miller's funeral and now, he was striding  around the pews, watching me like a lion stalking a zebra. And he was heading straight for me.