Bitter

nine - lydia

"Here, Mom," I said, tossing the purple box of tablets onto her bed. In the lamplight, she was sitting up, rubbing her forehead as if she had another headache.

"Thank you, Lyd," she said back, her voice barely above a whisper, "you really didn't have to get this for me." She finally looked at me and I could see something flash in her tired, blue gaze. Appreciation. "What would I do without you?" she breathed, taking the box and turning it over to examine it.

I stood in her room, close to the doorway, and I found myself fidgeting around with my sweatshirt (anything to get rid of the nervous energy that was still radiating through me from the parking lot). Even after I knew it was Cal and his friends who had chased me, my mind wasn't letting me forget the terror and frustration I'd felt trying to unlock my car while a group of unknown, dark forms followed me.

I kind of hated myself right then because it had been my idea to go to the store so late. Then again, Cal was the cause of the fear I was feeling.

Mom must have noticed I was acting strangely once she looked up from the tablet box. She was watching me shift slightly from foot to foot. "Is everything okay, Lyd?" she questioned.

I immediately stood as still as I could and stuffed my hands in my sweatshirt pockets. "Um, yeah, I'm okay," I assured, nodding a little more than I had to. A shaky sigh sneakily escaped my lips and that's when Mom motioned for me to come closer.

"Are you sure everything's alright?" she asked again, blue eyes narrow with concern. A moment of silence blew by and she took my weak hand in hers. She swallowed once and I knew then what she thought I was thinking about. When I started kindergarten, it was rough for both of us, and that was before Cal was even around to make it worse. Her voice was steady as she murmured, "You've got me and that's all that matters." It's true, I thought about that year a lot, but it wasn't exactly what had me all jittery that night.

I went along with it, not wanting to bother Mom about Cal or anything else and instead, hugged her, reminding her that she had me too just as much as I had her.

———

Sitting alone on the bench outside the next day, students filed out of the school through the doors beside me into the afternoon sun. I couldn't take my eyes off Cal and his friends, strolling over to his black car like nothing had happened last night. Like I hadn't almost run all of them over while speeding away from that CVS parking lot. From what I could see, they were all joking around and I hated it.

I pretended to be preoccupied on my phone, my light hair blowing in the wind softly as I secretly watched Cal and Jason wave to a group of girls approaching them. Squinting, I tried to see a little better through the rays of sun, but ultimately I couldn't recognize anyone Cal and his friends were talking to. Except for one girl.

   Eight-year-old me and eight-year old Meg Sadler playing with dolls suddenly flashed in my mind. She had been my friend for the longest time, longer than anyone else had been at least. I guess we started drifting apart as the years went on and Cal kept spreading rumors, trying to make everyone distance themself from me like I had some contagious disease. She had been mostly by my side (meaning she'd talk to me only when she was sure no one else would see her with me) up until around sophomore year. That was when she and Cal dated for a millisecond and I lost the ability to ever speak to her again. I couldn't understand why she'd done it. She had known Cal was ruining my life, but had she ever said anything to him about it? No. Instead she had walked with him, class to class, gazing up at him with hearts in her eyes.

And now she was doing it again. As I stared at the group, all gathered around Cal's car, I watched Meg's braided, brown hair swing like a pendulum every time she nodded or threw her head back in what had to be fake laughter. Cal wasn't capable of being funny.

Meg then made her way around to the passenger side door and got right in. Cal and his friends followed her lead (I did not know how Jason, Marco, and Zach could all fit in the back). They rolled down the windows, probably said something like a joke to the rest of the girls standing outside, and with that, the black car pulled out of the parking lot and sped away.

I got up, slung my backpack over my shoulder just as the sun vanished for a moment behind the clouds. Mom had arrived. She had driven me to school this morning and was picking me up, her car rumbling, waiting a few feet away behind another parent picking up her freshman.

Mom smiled at me through the window when I had reached her and I returned it, though I sure didn't feel like smiling. "How was your day?" she asked as soon as I slid into the passenger seat.

My body had fallen out of sync with my words. "It was good," I replied. I slammed the door a little too hard.