𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒 𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐘 𝐋𝐎𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑

XXVII. Another Episode

Chapter 27, Another Episode
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" I've been drowning myself unconsciously, now I'm conscious and my lungs are burning and screaming for air. "

~ Natalie James's POV ~

It was the middle of the night, I was wide awake and nothing I took seemed to get me to sleep.
My mind was wandering around, it scared me.

I was sat up on my bed, listening to I've Never Felt So Alone on repeat.
Some who don't know me but saw me like this would say I'm depressed but others who do know me?

Others who did know me, will say that I've taken in so much that it was no surprise I've cracked.
My LEDs were on red and so was my mind.

I was thinking about the audition, the twins, Javon, the notes and my parents.
I don't think there's ever been a time where I've laid in bed with an empty head, sleeping peacefully.

I felt like it will forever be my fault that I was put in the adoption center, I was too expensive to afford and no matter how hard anyone will try to convince me, I will put the blame on me.
Tears soon fell down my face, hitting my bare thighs.

This was going to be a replica of my nightmare except this time I was awake and I didn't want anyone to help me.
Instead I wanted to deal with this on my own, I wanted to feel what I needed to feel on my own.

I was exhausted of people telling me to calm down or cry it out so I can feel better because the truth is, once you cry it out, it will only ever get worse before it gets better.
But nobody every listens to me.

I began to bawl my eyes out, refusing to let any sound out.
This was my coping method and I needed to begin the process of grief.

Shakey breaths left my lips as I shivered, the room was cold but I didn't dare stand up to turn on the heater.
Instead, I wrapped myself in a fuzzy blanket and buried my face in a pillow.

Everything inside of me is now poured out onto the pillow, emotion wise.
I was halfway through my episode when my phone began to ring, I looked up and looked at the caller ID.

It was an unknown number, I'm sure it couldn't be the director since it was 2:37 in the morning.
But I answered anyways, I took a deep breath and placed the phone to my ear.

"It's Jaden, is this Natalie?"

I sighed and smiled weakly, I was surprised he sounded calm and not like a ten year old meeting their celebrity crush for the first time.
I stood silent for a quick moment, trying to get my voice to sound normal enough to speak.

"Wow you're really following through with your fangirl phase."

I finally answered, Jaden squealed which caused me to laugh.

"I'm a huge fan!"

Jaden squeaked out, he made his voice an octave higher to sound like a fangirl.
It was very impressive as well, I didn't think he was going to continue.

"I, I know Jaden."

I felt my breath hitch for a moment, tears slowly stopped falling.
But my voice was starting to crack and make weird noises everytime I went to open my mouth.

"Are you okay?"

I couldn't say anything, there wasn't anything for me to say.
I didn't want pity, I didn't want help but I wanted comfort.

"Can you come over?"

"Yeah, I'll be there soon."

I hung up my landline and laid in bed, I wanted to question why he was up but the knowing fact that the could be doing something weird made me keep the question to myself.
I went downstairs quietly and stood in the living room, waiting for the weird boy to show up.

It took him twenty five minutes to come, he decided walking was the best option.
I opened the door and allowed him inside.

When you see Jaden alone, he doesn't look like Javon but when they're together, they really live up to twins.
Except their hobbies and height is what made them different.

Javon was a bit shorter than his brother and he loved boxing, gymnastics and acting whilst Jaden was a bit taller than Javon and enjoyed playing baseball.
We went upstairs to my room, where he sat on my bed and looked at me.

"Wanna explain why you look like you're some depressed emo kid that pretends their edgy?"

I couldn't help but laugh at the comment, I took a deep breath and let it out.

"I'm having another episode, I just need to experience the grief of everything that has happened to me in past."

I began to explain to him what happened in the past, he sat there and looked at me like I was the coolest person ever.
Not sure if he was still in his fangirl phase or not.

"I wanted to experience it alone, without people pitying me or making my feelings feel invalid, but you called and I just needed comfort."

Before I could even close my mouth, I was engulfed in a warm hug.
Jaden hugged me tightly and rubbed my back.

I hugged back and smiled, this was what I needed.
We pulled away from the hug and I couldn't help but start crying again.

" I've been drowning myself unconsciously, now I'm conscious and my lungs are burning and screaming for air. "

I choked out through my sobs, Jaden hugged me again this time not letting go.
He stroked my hair and just rubbed my back, this was the comfort I needed.

After an hour or two of cheering me up, I told Jaden to go home and get some rest, that I'll be fine now.
I knew I was going to be okay, especially since I allowed myself to grieve.

I hope that soon everyone will be able to do the same, as it isn't healthy keeping it inside.