Insatiably You | l.s.

Chapter 6

As I know this was your favourite part when you first read it <3

Tears, they are like the rain. Everflowing, sometimes becoming more as time goes by or less if you are fortunate enough. However, at some point, they both do come to an end. Whether you want them to or not. Whether it be because of your mind tricking you into believing that maybe, just maybe, you are okay. Or because you just have no more to give, at some point, they do eventually stop.

Even when you feel as though you are trapped in an endless cycle of grief and sorrow they both do go away in time. 

Even when it may appear as though they are the very morphine to the vulnerable or the heroin for the weak. Even when they cling to you like a disgusting leech, like a plague, as though your sullen cheeks are the very thing needed for its survival. Even when, the appearance of them feels as though they are now not a temporary attachment to your features, but instead a permanent one. Even then, they still will go away at some point in time.

That's what I keep trying to remind myself.

Although I may feel like I am drowning and even though my mother's betrayal clings to the very air I inhale threatening to contaminate. Even then I try to remind myself things will get better. They have to. If not for my comfort but for my sanity. 

The week after my conversation with Derek went by far too fast for my liking and the dreaded day of the move has arrived. But I have to keep reminding myself that things would get better. 

Even with the constant hum of the Range Rover's engine, and the soft leather of Mark's seats brushing against my skin, I have to remind myself this is for the best. Even with the suffocating scent of his fortunes overriding my senses, even then I have to remind myself things would get better. 

I would be happier with this choice and so would my mother.

We both wouldn't be as lonely. We would now both have someone there to keep the demons away. We would have someone to save us from the most dangerous thing both of us possess. We would have someone to save us from our minds.

As, when we both lived in our shitty home away from this posh settlement, where we are now heading, our thoughts were the very thing that threatened our stability the most. My thoughts were consumed by my worthlessness and burden to everyone around me, and hers were consumed by guilt. 

Guilt for not being able to provide better for me. Guilt for knowing about my demons and not being able to save me from them( she did try to find out - but I never allowed it). Guilt because she was sometimes struggling to provide the bare minimum for us. And above all, the guilt she had for allowing Gemma and I to go out that night, which led to Gemma being unable to step foot in London again, as anything but a visitor.

However, at least with this move, there would be something if not someone to save us from these monstrosities. 

We would have a stable house and a steady income now, freeing my mother from her guilt if just temporary. And me, well, there would be far too many people able to notice if something was wrong, so I couldn't do anything drastic. 

I couldn't skip meals because my throat hurt too badly to swallow and I couldn't stay holed up in my room, for hours with tears staining my cheeks, as someone would notice my absence eventually. I couldn't spend hours staring at the colourful marks which littered my skin, thinking that I deserved them. Thinking that maybe just maybe they looked nice on me. That I deserved to wear them. However, instead, now I would have to find ways to hide them. I would have to find ways to hide a piece of who I was, as even though my mother never noticed them because she always had so much on her plate, someone here would surely notice them sooner or later.