Insatiably You | l.s.

Chapter 9

Warning: very graphic chapter with disturbing subject matters, possible triggers may be contained. 

Pain, from my knowledge, is not something all have the misfortune of experiencing. At least not in the way I know it. Sure they may know the feeling of heartbreak from foolish puppy love or the feeling of getting a paper cut, or even those worse off, who knows the feeling of broken bones. However, no matter the physical, psychological or emotional pain they go through, in no way can it compare to the feeling of being abused because of something you can't help. Abused just because of your sexuality. Abused because you're a boy and just wanted to kiss another boy.

Nothing, no beatings, no words, nothing can compare to the way I feel every moment this happens to me. You can promise yourself countless times that you won't let it happen again. That you won't let the words get to you. That you would stand up for yourself and tell the demons to leave you alone, yet when faced with your own Lucifer from Hell you can't help but cower in fear. Can't help but pray to God, no matter how dumb that sounds, that you would be left alone. That you wouldn't be picked on. Yet no matter how much you begged, no matter how much you cried and pleaded it just made the bruises even worse than before.

From the moment I set foot in the hellhole a year ago, I was picked on. 

I was the scrawny new kid who no one wanted to be friends with. I was the teacher's pet and the sick kid no one wanted to catch the disease from. That disease, being my sexuality, that being I was gay. 

From the moment Louis dropped me off this morning I should have known something was off. Axel never spoke to me again, neither Jackson nor Ryan, especially not to just be courteous. The only time they would ever speak to me was, to give me my black eye or worse, to give me what they said I deserved, their words, which hurt more than I could ever begin to describe.

Their words were their venom and I was yet to find something which would be my antidote from being preyed upon. With every puncture of their fangs to my sensitive wounds, I would be a minute closer to succumbing to the hemotoxins or neurotoxins, whichever they chose to give me on a given day. There was nothing I could do other than take what they chose to give me, however, I only prayed it to not be the latter. As just with snake venom, the neurotoxins were far more deadly than the hemotoxins, and it hurt more than words would ever begin to do justice.

With every blow to what they saw as their battlefield, I would be a minute closer to believing their lies. Believing their words. 

There were only so many times a person could hear that they were a disgrace to society and only so many times they could hear that they were disgusting and dirty until they started believing it. 

It wasn't even that bad now, not after they saw how badly broken they made me. Not when they now saw that when we went on field trips, where I would once look at the pretty dresses and want them, I would now instead, not even bat an eye at them. Not when they saw that I was afraid to even speak to a boy, spare Niall and Liam, as I knew how disgusting it was to do so. 

Like they once told me, it was already bad I was infiltrating society with my plague, I didn't want to also be the cause of infection to my normal peers. 

They knew their words got to me. They knew that no one knew what happened between us four, especially what happened between me and Axel. They knew I would never tell the reason behind my battle scars. And they knew I was too ashamed to even acknowledge them, let alone tell anyone, which is why they use it to their advantage. 

However, I was now accustomed to it though. 

I was accustomed to the shame and pain I always felt. I was accustomed to the feeling of betrayal and longing, wishing I wasn't me, wishing I was someone else. Wishing that I wasn't so disgusting.