Insatiably You | l.s.

Chapter 16

Today, Thursday the seventh of May marks exactly three weeks since I had been raped and three weeks since I had almost made the biggest mistake of my life.

It has been three weeks since my life has drastically changed, and three weeks since I have been fighting my demons to allow me control of my life once again.

As I make my way to leave my therapist's office I can't help but reminisce on how far I've come, and how much things have changed since that day which to me feels like aeons ago. Before I went for my session with Doctor Michaels I had been at the hospital's clinic collecting my STD and STI test results. Although I know they had never penetrated me I was deathly afraid that I might have gotten a disease which would always keep me chained to them. However, they all came back thankfully negative, proving that I am now one step closer to healing. That I am one step closer to being free from the monsters.

With every day that passes the feeling of their hands on me slowly begins to dwindle (especially with the therapy sessions I have twice or sometimes three times a week). And with every passing moment, their words begin to fade into my memory. Yet, I am still far from being healed.

There are still those instances where I would wake up in the night screaming, feeling as though I was drowning. There are still those times I wake up with night terrors and still those moments where the only person I can stand to be around is Louis. However, it is getting better.

I don't wake up every few hours in the night crying. I don't flinch as much as I used to and I have begun eating normally and going to uni again. Every day it gets a bit better and I am slowly beginning to heal things with Niall and Liam as well.

It's not getting easier to forget what happened or the way I felt, but with time I am learning to accept that, that was what happened to me and that it is now a part of who I am. 

I am beginning to accept the fact that it happened and try to move on with my life. And even though every instinct begs me to deny it, Axel and even Ryan and Jackson will always be a part of me. Will always be a part of who I am, due to their violation and there is nothing I can do to change that. I just have to accept it.

I was never able to admit that to myself a few weeks ago, but with Dr Michaels' help, I now can. As well as, I can admit (although only to myself for now) that I was in fact raped. That I am a victim of sexual abuse and rape as well as attempted suicide. I was hurt in a way no one could ever begin to imagine, however, I survived it. 

I survived something no one would ever dream of surviving, and I am on the journey to recovery even if only slowly.

I have therapy every Tuesday, Thursday and certain Saturdays and I'm slowly getting better. 

I no longer flinch when my mother or the boys touch me, and even though I still do around complete strangers or persons I barely know, that's okay. I have made progress and I am happy with it.

I am on my way to maintaining and fixing my relationship with Niall and Liam. I explained to them that they were right, I didn't tell them everything, however, I was not ready to and they needed to accept that fact. I told Liam that I forgive him and we worked out our issues. I told them that I would inform about them what happened eventually (which I will do when I'm ready) and that they need not worry as it wasn't anything life-threatening (anymore) or a reason for their worries. I told them I was getting help from Dr Michaels and that I was slowly but surely healing from what happened.

At first, they were obviously reluctant in agreeing and accepting the fact they would truly never know yet, but as I told them about my sessions with Dr Michaels and that I was due better since I would never have to see Axel and his mates, they eventually let it go, choosing to trust me and trust the fact that I would have told them if they really needed to know.