No Blossom

XIX

When I was in high school, there was a girl that I used to like.

Her name was Shiori. We had a lot in common, we were both in the same grade and neither of us had many friends. I didn't expect anything from her, just being friends with her would have been good enough for me. I liked that she didn't try to impress the other kids by pretending to be somebody else, or maybe she just didn't mind being alone, I wasn't sure.

There was a time when we worked on a group project together and she invited me over to her house to study. I was nervous but I wanted to tell her how I felt, maybe she would want to be friends with me. So when I came over, I gave her a horror manga that I knew she liked, it was a limited edition that had been hard to find. When I gave her the gift, she eyed it for a moment before handing it back to me, saying: "It's getting boring, I've read it so many times by now." I was young and holding back my tears because I didn't want to show her how hurt I was. We finished the project and I went home.

But Shiori knew what I was going to say anyway.

Next week at school she told me she knew that I liked her. I'm not sure how she knew that, maybe I was too easy to read or she had caught me staring at her. But what she said next stuck in my mind all the way to adulthood, or even longer, I never really forgot it.

"Takayama-kun. I know you have a crush on me, but I'm going to be honest with you now so that you won't get the wrong idea. I know you think we're similar, I thought so too from the first day of school. We like the same manga and sometimes Shinchi picks on us when he's having a bad day." The wind blew a pile of leaves at my feet. It smelled of autumn. "But maybe I don't need a friend like you. What would even become of us? Two peas in a pod? Then we would both get picked on by Shinchi and nothing would change."

I was already in university by the time I finally realized what Shiori had meant. In fact, I only understood it when I met my first close friend, Zenji, who was the student council Vice President and a batter. He didn't mind being my friend, well, he didn't mind being anyone's friend.  Even in university my role was still the same, a bottom-feeder, existing so that other people could have it better. Shinchi wasn't there, but there was a Nakamura and a Soryuin, and they were no different. But Zenji made it easier for me, he stood up for me sometimes because it was nothing for him. For him it could barely even be called a favor, but for me it was much more than that.

Shiori was right.

"What would you do if I wanted to hurt you?"

W-What?

Her grip on my neck tightened and my heart was pounding in my ears. I looked at her stoic eyes and for the first time she looked back at me without facing away. I guess I had been so startled that a tear trickled down my cheek, and when Saya noticed it, she paused for a moment, then loosened her hold. "You really make me look like a horrible person sometimes", She then wiped away the tear and caressed my neck soothingly.

"Look at you, you're shaking like a scared dog and making such adorable sounds."

I-I was?

She touched the bite marks that she had left and each time her finger slid over one, I moaned. Why-Why did it feel good when she did that?

"You like being humiliated that much?"

I...I didn't...

"I think you do."

But that would be...

"Weird? Maybe. But you've already shown me many embarrassing sides of you."

I then remembered my dream and felt my face burning in shame. Did she know about the dream? No-How could she know about that? But the face she was making made me feel like she knew my every thought, everything that made me feel good and all of my embarrassing fantasies. Was she....smirking?

Maybe she was right, maybe I did like it. It didn't even matter what was right and what was wrong anymore, I just listened to whatever she told me and accepted it as the truth. She knew me better than I knew myself. "You don't need to worry about anything", She rubbed my chin with her thumb while lowering herself on top of me. As soon as I felt her inside, my mind went blank and my body fell weak. But I didn't try to resist her anymore or hold back my voice, not that I could have even if I wanted to. She watched my every move closely, every time I arched my back and moaned, she would move faster and faster until all I could do was grip her hips to make her slow down.

"D-Don't look at me- A-ahh-!"

"Why not?"

She brushed aside the few strands of hair covering my face, then leaned forward and kissed me.

"You shouldn't hide anything from me. Show me everything."

"Saya...I'm going to-!"

"Face me."

"Saya!"

I looked up at her and right when I did that, I came hard, catching glimpses of her satisfied smile. Why was she smirking like that? I had never seen her make a face like that, but it reminded me of my dream.

.

Maybe it wasn't a dream at all.

.

I fell asleep cradled in her arms, and in the morning when I woke up, there were purple bruises and small bite marks all over my body.

I wanted to belong entirely to her.