No Blossom

VI

"Kiryuu-chan, did you remember to bring the nori wrapper with you?"

"I did, I did. I'll leave it here on the table".

She's my mother, Takayama Mariko, aged 47. She had my brother Keiji at a young age, I came two years later and that's why I've practically grown up having my failures compared to his accomplishments. He was the standard that my parents always expected me to reach, if not exceed. But in reality I was nothing like my brother.

Takayama Keiji was a respected salaryman in Sendai. So far he'd only worked for two companies, but they were permanent positions that paid well. He only resigned from the first one because he got a better offer elsewhere. He didn't openly look down on me, but we were never really close siblings or anything like that.

My father was Takayama Homura, a traditional and career-oriented man. He worked as an accountant at a local accounting company and tried to look like the man of the house even though he made less than Keiji. His background wasn't all that great to begin with, so having his sons pursue successful careers in his stead was his way of making up for it.

"So, how's that promotion looking?" He sat me down and asked me before even greeting me. Ever since I miraculously got a government job in security, my father didn't really know how to respond. Sure, I worked for someone important and made a decent paycheck, but I was still just an assistant. He wanted me to get a raise and become an official, but my education didn't really cover for that.

"Can't say", I answered and took the cup of tea that my mother gave me. The warmth was comforting but I tried not to get too comfortable. Keiji wasn't there yet, fortunately, but I knew he would come home for the holidays even if he was late.

My father sighed and shook his head in disappointment. He didn't need to say anything, I knew what he thought of me and it wasn't too good. Unlike my brother, I was nothing for him to brag about or use as a scapegoat in social situations.

"Don't be so hard on him. Maybe he's met a nice girl", My mother tried to shift the conversation away from my career, but that only made things worse. "No, no. What he needs right now is a stable position. This government job isn't reliable at all. What if there is a tax cut? His pay would disappear into thin air!"

I flinched when I heard the words "met a nice girl" and immediately thought of Okajima-san. But I couldn't say anything about that to my parents, because what she and I had was not appropriate to bring up. But my face had already turned red just thinking about the time I had spent with her. My father must have noticed that and realized that there was something I wasn't telling them. But he didn't pry any further, I was to dwell in my own demise and not stain his name.

"Sorry I'm late! Kiryuu? You got here before me?"Keiji appeared in the room and took off his shoes, then patted me on my back. His hand felt like a stone had been thrown at me.

The conversation soon shifted to Keiji's work, and I was only half-listening to their chatter that mostly consisted of my parents praising him and making lighthearted comments at me.

Okajima-san...

Okajima-san?

Would she ever want to be my girlfriend? Up until then I had been so careful to keep the water warm, always fearing that one day she wouldn't show up anymore, that I hadn't even dared to think about our relationship any further. I didn't know what she wanted from me. She was attractive, surely she could have gotten a better man than me, even if just to have sex.

So why me?

Maybe...Maybe it was all just some sick prank on me. No. Maybe it was all just my imagination. Could that be it? No, there was no way, I wasn't delusional or anything like that. But if she was willing to settle for me, maybe there was something more to her feelings. Should I ask her about it? Or would I be overstepping my boundaries? I...I couldn't take the risk of losing what little we had.

"What do you do there in Tokyo? Have you started drinking? I heard the sake is cheaper there", Keiji sat down next to me on the patio. The sound of crickets seemed to tune out everything else, and soon I couldn't even hear my own breathing. "No...I don't know".

He knew I was the quiet type of person, I wasn't well-liked and charismatic like him, I just did what I had to do and hoped that I would get away with it. But I didn't really care what he thought of me as long as he didn't say it to my face, which he would never do. "Aniki, is there anyone you like?" I asked him. Keiji was surprised that I had asked him something like that, so he took a moment to think before answering me.

"I don't know what you mean by like, I haven't been seeing anyone since college. There's this one girl from the company across the street, I invited her for lunch one time. But right now I don't need any distractions like that. Just focus on what's right there in front of you, you know?"

Mm, I know.

I looked at the sky as it gradually became pitch black. Dark and quiet. Maybe I should have chosen a different major and gone into business like my brother and father. Or maybe I should have studied harder so I could have gotten into a better university. But the truth was that I didn't mind the kind of work I did, it was like a guilty pleasure, guilt for settling for something so lowly.

I didn't want to feel so guilty and apologize for not asking for more.

"What about you? You look like there's something bugging you", Keiji noted. Yeah, there was no way he wouldn't have noticed. I was a pretty boring guy, I didn't have many things to talk about like he did, but I was fine with that because I probably wouldn't have been able to handle an eventful life. So I stayed low, where it was quiet.

But after meeting Okajima-san my life did become somewhat eventful, maybe even too much so. Whenever she came to my apartment it felt like time was fleeting by too fast and I wasn't able to properly process everything that happened nor say the things I was meaning to say. I wanted to stop time so I could have at least one long moment with her without having to make the most of it.

"Her name is Saya, Okajima Saya", I sighed and let her name slip my lips one more time. She wasn't my secret, so it shouldn't really matter. She wouldn't care either way.

"Saya?"

Saya.

I hadn't called her by her first name ever before, so it felt a bit strange to speak it out loud. I wanted to call her by that name, but it probably wouldn't be possible. Or should I try it the next time I met her? Maybe she would get offended and leave...

Then I remembered.

I hadn't told her that I was going to Sendai for the holidays. I didn't even have her number so that I could let her know. I had- I had completely forgotten to inform her. I checked the time and it was already past midnight. If she had come to my place at the usual time, she would have arrived at around 8 or 9 p.m. But it was far past that.

I started to panic thinking that she must have come all the way to Kanagawa to be with me, only for me to not be there. I felt so guilty. How could I have forgotten to tell her? Would she- Would she be upset and not want to see me anymore? All this time I had been on my toes and hoped that nothing would go wrong, yet I had managed to make such a huge mistake without noticing.

"Hey! Where are you going?"

I don't want this thread to snap.