No Blossom

IX

"Good, you did good."

Please say it again. Praise me more.

"Okajima-san?"

I woke up feeling cold, not just cold, I was freezing. I quickly looked around and noticed that the small kitchen window was open. Did I forget to close it? I couldn't even remember opening it. I found myself to still be wearing my clothes from yesterday, even my wallet was in my pocket.

I rolled around on my bed, rubbing my tear-stained eyes. The temperature in my apartment must have dropped quite a lot, what a waste of heating. I dreaded walking into the kitchen because of how heavy my body felt, but I knew I had to close the window.

As soon as I stood up, stroking my wrinkled shirt, there was a knock on the door. I jumped, checking the time. It was five in the morning. Who could it be at that time? The landlady? I began to panic thinking that she might get angry if she found out about the window. Maybe I could just pretend I wasn't home. But that would have been rude of me...

"Takayama-san?"

My heart skipped a beat.

S-Saya? No- Okajima-san...

I rushed to the door, not even stopping to think about what I was doing or whether I had only imagined her voice.

The door opened slowly to reveal sunlight beaming in from the hallway. It was so bright that up until then I hadn't even realized how dark it was inside my apartment. Her figure was a little blurry at first glance because my eyes were tired and still sore from crying. But it was definitely her.

"Why is it so cold in here?"

She quickly took note of the temperature, her face shifting to a worried expression as she scanned the apartment. "Has your window been open all night?" She asked me, but I couldn't tell whether she was scolding me or disturbed. I then remembered the window and ran into the kitchen to close it. The handle was cold and stiff and took some effort for it to turn.

"What were you thinking? You're so cold now", I felt her hand on my cheek again and flinched. It was...warm.

That's right. Okajima-san always had warm hands. But her hand soon left my cheek as she noticed how startled I was. But she didn't ask me anything about it, I kind of wished she had, though. There was no way I could confront her about what I'd seen the previous night.

And when I was standing there in front of her again, I started to doubt my memory. What if it wasn't her that I'd seen in the office? What if she had been sick and stopped coming to my apartment because of that? What if it had all just been a big misunderstanding?

Yet...I still couldn't forget the painful feeling from the second that I saw her with that man. It wasn't just fear of losing what we had, but the realization that my fears had come true. There was someone else, maybe there had been someone else all along and I never meant much to her in the first place. I had been telling myself these same things from the start but dismissed them because the pleasure made me unable to reason. And not just that, I was also happy when with her.

"Saya-san...Ahh-h!"

I wanted that image to disappear from my memory, but it wouldn't. It hurt even thinking about it, but I couldn't shake it off in any case.

Maybe I really wasn't good enough.

"Takayama-san? What's the matter with you?" She tilted her head and furrowed her brows, but did not move from the doorstep. I hadn't even realized that I was sobbing again, even more helplessly than the night before when I had been by myself. But I couldn't hold it in, it just came.

I tried to wipe away the tears with my sleeves, but more kept coming so even hiding my face in my hands was pointless at that point. My voice broke as I stuttered an apology after another to her. I couldn't stop crying, I didn't really want to, I just wished she wasn't there to always witness my humiliation.

But who was I kidding? That was me, the real me. She must have known that as well. That I was weak.

"I-I saw you...", I must have been a fool, or crazy at the least, to let it all out and say it straight to her face. But I couldn't hide anything from her. She probably saw no appeal in me anyway, so it didn't really matter what I did at that point, she was bound to have been disgusted by me. I wanted to disappear.

I'm sorry.

Huh?

My eyes shot open when I felt something cup the side of my face. The first thing I saw were her eyes watching me carefully and quietly. I stopped crying at that, I was so startled to find her touch me.

I didn't know it would hurt you like this.

I never thought I would hear her apologize, it just didn't seem like something she would do, but when she mouthed the apology it sounded more sincere and natural than I could have imagined. She was apologizing to me? Her hand caressed my cheek and she moved her finger back and forth to dry my tears. The warmth of her touch was so comforting that I started crying again, but this time from relief, not pain.

I must have been an embarrassment to her, someone she didn't want anybody to know about. I didn't really understand what she wanted from me, but I didn't care. I just wanted her to comfort me more, I wanted her to hold me and praise me forever.

"Come on now, I'll run you a warm bath. You'll get sick if you stay like that".