I woke up to Molly and I spooning. Her blonde hair looked like Cinderella's and I couldn't help but run my fingers through it. She turned around and faced me.
"We didn't... you know?"
"No."
"I remember bits and pieces."
"Me too."
We looked at each other and suddenly made out again. It didn't take long for the both of us to pull away fast.
"Morning breath..." We both said at the same time.
-
Molly and I didn't talk for days. I didn't care, I was too caught up in my life. Stefan and I became closer though. He often opened up to me through stories; he had a lot on his plate. The boys and I went bowling together every Friday, the girls were convinced we went to strip clubs. They weren't the brightest, considering we were all three underaged for something like that.
We all had a significant moment together that November. It was usually cold around this time of the year but an 'Indian Summer' hit us. We made a bonfire in the back of Juli's house. We formed a circle around the fire and one by one we described the depths of hell happening in our lives. Emma opened up about her father, Juli and Katherine opened up about their family, Luca told us about his drug problems, Stefan told us stories about his parents and me? I talked about Penelope. They rolled their eyes at me a lot during it.
"Tell us something real" They said.
And then I did...
People often questioned my depression and suicidal problems. How could I feel this way with no reason behind it? Over the years I tried my hardest to make up excuses. Maybe it was because my uncle and cousin committed suicide or that my grandfather died too soon. But it wasn't. I knew people had their own sadness, I knew death would eventually hit all of us. Yes, I was sad they were gone but did it really affect the way I was? I didn't think so. My sadness was a lost cause, the kind that had no real explanation. Doctors said nothing was wrong with my thinking process or brain. It wasn't clinical depression.
I found myself fall in a weird pattern in middle school. Health class told students that puberty made us think and act different. But was me feeling sad all the time something puberty did? It felt too unordinary for puberty to be the reason.
Once I entered high school, it only got worse. Being apart of the age of technology was probably the reason why my sadness grew. I found myself browsing multiple blogs, finding false ways to deal with what I felt inside. Thinking about it now, self harm was the dumbest solution I could have done.
I tried to kill myself twice in three months, I thought my parents would give up on me ever getting better. To my luck, they didn't.
I slowly 'recovered.' Though sometimes, little things punctured my well being. As stupid as it sounded, smells hurt me the most.
Do you ever go somewhere, anywhere, and smell something like cigarettes, old books, etc? ... My problem was that it triggered my sadness.
One day when I was waiting for my mother to pick me up from uni, I stood outside while it rained. Of course, I didn't want to be rained on so I stepped back, closer to the brick wall of the building so some of the roof covered me from getting wet. An odd aroma of coffee and cigarettes trailed the air around me. It felt like that time I arrived at the airport in Paris for the first time. The smells were similar. Although it was supposed to make me happy, it made me sad because memories never repeat themselves. They will never be the same like the first time.
My story ended the night. I think it was too much for them.
-
Entering November was bliss with all the birthday parties. Unlike Luca's small bowling party months ago, which was fun and all, the girls' parties were madness. Juli's party was big but an outside event during the sunset. We helped her put lights all around her backyard. She served Mexican food and had an old fashion 'hit the piñata' station. It brought all of us closer together.
It was Katherine's birthday party that stirred drama. After so many dish cloths thrown in her boyfriend's face when we went up to tell her 'happy birthday,' we decided enough was enough. It was about time we got to know the man that she'd been drooling over. So the plan was to get Katherine distracted with offering her so much alcohol she would forget about covering her boyfriend's face. It didn't work, they left the party early by going up to her room. The party eventually cleared and I offered to walk Molly home that night.
I tried my hardest to get Molly's attention but she wouldn't give me any at all. Despite me trying by getting to know her, she shut down any flirtation from happening. I couldn't handle it, it was like trying to get a wall to kiss me.
"I want to kiss you."
"You shouldn't."
"Why?"
"I don't see you like that."
I wondered what way she saw me that night we were both drunk. They say hidden motives and feelings come out when you're drunk. Was she stopping herself?
"You don't even try to see me like that."
I think that made her change her mind about me. When I walked her up to the front steps of her house, she kissed my cheek and I let her go.
-
I think Katherine really put in some good words for me; Molly eventually came around.
