I was walking downtown alone and came across the Mexican restaurant from a few days ago. I was hesitating to walk past the door, a sign for me to go inside maybe? I walked in feeling like I betrayed my friends by doing this but I walked towards Penelope feeling stiff. Feeling numb had added on to me not caring about what I was about to do.
"Can we talk?" I asked her.
"Why? Why can't you just leave?"
"Please?"
She had agreed and told me to be back in here on her break. I strolled around and came back to find Aubrey and Emma at a table. Penelope told me to sit there. I didn't like this arrangement, I felt lonely. I felt like I was about to be attacked. It was the Trojan war, was I Persia or were they?
I sat there quietly as they talked to one another, they were catching up. I looked around the restaurant and was suddenly interrupted.
"So why don't you like me, Jordan?" Aubrey asked me.
"I heard you talked about me to Jared" I replied.
"I wouldn't believe a word that kid says."
I ignored her, this wasn't about her and I. It was about Penelope and me and I couldn't find a way to make it about that.
"Why would I ever make up with you? You told people my secrets and have said they're lies" Penelope stated.
"You do realize you told everyone I was a cheater before I even got remotely close to hurting you? How did I hurt you? By being best friends again with Katherine? Why would that even matter when you went and sucked up to Preston and you knew I didn't like him."
But of course, Penelope found her way to make me look bad. She was so good at it that even I myself, was convinced. I sat there in silence, realizing Aubrey was on her phone. Probably updating her every move, I thought.
"Your friends are disgusting" Aubrey said suddenly.
"I love them no matter what" And with that I got up and left, too tired to argue about something I was never intending to do in the first place.
-
Later that night, we were all in Luca's basement. We were laying around talking about everything and nothing at the same time. Tia's best friend, Nia was there. She was a tall black girl with strong cheek bones. I thought it was amazing how their names rhymed and that they were best friends too.
"Wait... wHAT THE FUCK?" Juli yelled.
"You HunG OUT WITH AUBREY??"
This wasn't how I wanted to break the news to everyone. I wanted to bring it up later tonight, be more calm about it so I could get a chance to say my side. How did Juli even find out?
"What...? Me?" I asked. I was praying to God that just maybe she was talking about Luca.
"YES YOU."
"Okay well I have an explanation. Sit down" Katherine had already known about this, same with Tia. Luca and Juli, I knew would be the hardest to say everything to.
"NO" Juli yelled and stormed out. She was running down the street and without any second thoughts, I got up and ran after her. I grabbed my sweater and I was out the door.
"JULI CAN YOU RUN SLOWER PLEASE" I was amazed she was such a fast runner.
"YOU SHOULD TAKE TRACK" I yelled as I got closer and closer to her.
She stopped in the middle of the road where the yellow line was. She was breathing hard and shivering. It was a cold night and I knew my sweater would come in handy.
"I feel so fucking betrayed" She stated.
I put my sweater around her and we walked back but slowly.
"Just let me explain everything, please?"
She stayed quiet and I took that as a cue to open up.
"I know you don't like Penelope. I know none of us do, and even though I should hate her, I care about her still. I need to get my closure."
"You don't need closure, Jordan. You just feel this way because you accidentally found her letters and read them all. You need to let go because she did of you. Do you honestly think she gives a single shit about you?"
I didn't answer because I didn't know what the answer could be. We got closer to Luca's house. I hugged her tightly before she went back in. We made up fast that night, I liked that about Juli and I.
I was making problems for myself, I thought. I was destroying myself by caring too much about people who didn't care about me, just like Juli said. But I couldn't help it.
-
The next day I got back in touch with Emma. I liked talking to her again, we always picked up from where we last stopped. I told her about how I accidentally came across Penelope's letters and read them. I felt like I could only tell Emma about how my feelings for Penelope had come back. For days, I was patching things up with Emma. I was going to baseball games with her and everyone knew about it.
Jared and Emma were so off and on but with me being close with Jared, I could always get them to work. I thought maybe Emma could do the same for me with Penelope. But we only hung out once all together, Penelope couldn't stop talking about other guys. It didn't bother me but I wanted to talk about other things, I wanted to know how she was.
All that turned to shit so quickly. I showed Emma a book I was writing and how everyone was in it. I guess she read about the parts where we stopped being best friends.
"It's all so fucking clear now. You chose Katherine over me" She said.
"That is not true. Shit happens. You should be happy I'm here right now. That we're making this work."
We talked for awhile that night and I said some of the sweetest things. I told Emma she would always mean a lot to me. We hugged it out for a long time and I thought things would be okay. Emma stopped texting me and we lost connection again after that. I was surprised.
I let it go. I let it happen because I knew me trying would only ruin it some more.
I told myself I had to try with Penelope one more time. Juli was right though, my feelings for Penelope only came back because of writing my book and reading her letters. It didn't stop me from wanting to be okay with Penelope though.
I went down to the restaurant one last time, I told her I wanted to talk to her alone. We sat at a table outside, it was a warm spring day and the clouds were extra cotton-like.
"Did you ever even love me?" I thought starting it this way would make the conversation more meaningful.
She asked me why I care, we went back and forth a couple times. She brought up my book and how Emma showed her and how she was disgusted. She hated that I put her business out there, even Whitney's. I told her she shouldn't be disgusted, that in fact I was being really passionate with everyone's character.
Penelope was being really negative, she stated a couple reasons why forever isn't real. She told me how everything is so meaningless. I stared at her, it was like I was looking at a ghost. It was like Penelope had died on that bench at the park that fall when she broke up with me. She wasn't the same and I told her that.
She teared up when she told me this wasn't her intention, none of it was. I agreed with her, I told her shit happens. I told her I wanted my intentions to stay pure but somehow I hurt lots of people. She told me I was one person she never wanted to hurt.
I didn't hug Penelope but I knew I had to let go of whatever we had. I couldn't force myself into her life or make pity of how she wouldn't let me. I let it be and I told her I would really leave her alone this time. I got up from the table and walked out the restaurant. I didn't see or talk about Penelope ever since.
