A River Flows Through Us

Everything Hurts....

         I ran to my room and shit the door locking it as quickly as I could. I felt drained. I felt like this was it, this was the moment I'd finally give up. This was my rock bottom. I felt the death of my mother all over again. I couldn't breathe. I slide down the door, bring my legs up to my chest and hugging them tightly, thinking somehow i could make the pain stop the harder I squeezed.

       My shoes were it. That was the last thing i'll ever get from her. I know what your thinking it's just a pair of shoes. And maybe they were. It just hurt to see them destroy, it felt like i'd finally lost all of her. I was never hear my mothers laughter again, I could never get another hug, I could never get yelled at by her because the truth be told i'd give absolutely anything to have her yell at me one more time. But I can't, because she was gone. Really gone. The kind of gone that makes you think life isn't real anymore.

       I must have sat there so long that the sun started to go down. I decided to go lay on my bean bag because I didn't want to lay in the bed, my bed, we're just last night we laid together. It felt wrong. I wrapped up in a blanket and just lay there.

      Momma if you can hear this, I really need you right now. Why did you have to leave me? I still need you. How am I supposed to do this on my own?

      I started hearing people outside my door but i ignored them. I just want to be alone. Completely alone. Forever.

       "Grace please open the door." Steve said.

       "Grace we will stay out here all night if you don't open up this damn door!" Jax said.

        "Baby G please." Willie said. "Let us in."

      It kind of hurt my heart for them that I wasn't answering them. I really wish I was strong enough to get up right now, to let them in but i'm not. I close my eyes for what felt like a minute but must have been a while considering it was completely dark outside now.

       "Please I just want to talk to her." Knox said I looked at the door, a small part of me want him to break down the door for me, but then I remembered how he hurt me.

        "You broke my best friends heart. Have a nice life." Lizzy said. I was thankfully for Lizzy always having my back even when i'm not around.

     "You what?" Jax said.

      "Just let me explain." Knox said getting frustrated.

      "WHAT THE FUCK DID TOU DO?" Willie yelled.

      "I can explain—" Knox was cut off by Kayden

      "Get out." Kayden yelled.

      "Knox you can stay at my house." My dad says. "Come on, it's getting late and I don't think she's coming out anytime soon."

       I decided to go back to sleep. I closed my eyes and let the darkness make me feel safe. I just miss my mom. Honestly that pain is what hurts more. I wish she was here to tell me what to do. Help me through it all. I wish more than anything she would come in my room and tell me she was making cookies.

         She was the one person in my whole life that truly loved me. Even for every mistake i made, which was a lot. All the weird and silly things that made up me, she that they were all amazing. She made me feel safe, like nothing in the world could hurt me.

      I don't understand why she had to be the one to die. Why not me? I mean she will never be there for anything. Who will do my hair when i'm getting married, who will help me pick out the dress? Who's gonna hold my hand when i give birth? Who will tell my kids stores and make them laugh? No one that's who, because no one is there, because they are dead.