Red in my Ledger

Chapter Seven

TW: sexual assault

YEAR: 2008
MONTH: January

Dreykov had forgiven me by now. I think. He trusted me, at least.
I turned 16 a few months ago, and ever since then I've been his personal bodyguard.
It meant less missions, so I haven't seen the Winter Soldier since I was 15.
Honestly, I felt like a babysitter for his daughter.
One day, he asked me to go with him to an office in Budapest to supervise his daughter while he worked.
I met her in the reception area of the building.
"Hi y/n!" Antonia smiled as she took my hand.
"Hello" I nodded awkwardly. "Did you have a good day at school?" I asked as we started walking up the stairs to find the room Dreykov was in.
"Mhm. I drew a picture. Wanna see?"
"Maybe when we get to your dads office. Then you can show him too."
"Okay" she started skipping, and I pushed open the door.
"Hello Antonia" Dreykov smiled at his daughter.
"I drew a picture today. Let me show you!" she cried happily.
I stepped forward to take her backpack off.
As I did, my gaze drifted to out the window.
The window of a car rolled down and the person inside was looking back through the window in the room.
They made eye contact with me.
It had been over five years, but I recognised them immediately.
"Natasha" I muttered.
She obviously recognised me too - I could tell from the way she was looking at me.
Her face was briefly mortified, but I didn't catch more than a glimpse before the building around me exploded.
The blast caught my back, pushing me forward.
I fell to the ground and my head collided with the floor.
Everything went black.

MONTH: February 

Hydra had found me.
Last month, after the explosion, Hydra had somehow found me in the mess. I think. I don't really know what happened.
I had no idea how I'd survived.
I just woke up a few days after it had happened, and found I was in a Hydra base.
Now, it's a month later.
I had pretty much fully recovered, except for the burn scars reaching from my neck all the way down to my lower back. They were my constant reminder.
The good thing about being back with Hydra was that I saw the Winter Soldier again. I was now training with him on a daily basis.
"Come on. Stop going easy on me!" I laughed as he hit me weakly.
"Well I'm sorry if I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm fine Weiner" I chuckled. "I can handle it."
"Fine."
"Fine? What do you mean? Oh! You're not going easy on me now?"
"Nope. But I warned you."
"Okay, let's go."
We started to fight.
He was suddenly a lot stronger than he was when we were fighting two minutes ago.
He flipped me onto my back on the floor.
"Jeez Weiner" I smirked and grabbed his hand to pull myself up.
"I told you."
"I didn't realise how much you were really holding back."
"You want me to go easy on you again?"
"No no. I think I can manage. I was just... surprised... that's all."
The door opened, and the smile wiped off my face as we were joined by a third party.
"What are you doing?" Rumlow asked.
"Training" I said.
"It doesn't look like it."
"We were training" I repeated.
"Right" Rumlow nodded slowly, then punched my face.
I ignored the pain and looked blankly at him.
"What was that for?" the Winter Soldier asked beside me.
Rumlow smirked at him.
"Take your clothes off" Rumlow ordered.
I glanced warily at the Soldier, but proceeded to do what Rumlow requested.
I undressed until I was standing in just my bra and underwear.
Rumlow finally looked at me, grinning widely.
"Perfect."
He pushed me back against the wall.
I crossed my wrists above my head, and he held them with one hand. His other hand ran down my side, and pushed down my underwear.
I looked over Rumlow's shoulder at the Winter Soldier. He was standing awkwardly, clearly debating whether to stay or go. I felt sorry for him, as I knew there was nothing he could do. We both knew he would be punished if he attacked. He looked at me painfully.
I bit my lip to stop from expressing emotion.
"Don't look at him, look at me" Rumlow whispered, and I could feel his breath on my skin.
He forced his face against mine.
I shut my eyes, blinking a tear. I wiped it away, hoping that neither of the guys noticed. 
Rumlow forced himself into me for at least five minutes, then randomly stepped back and kicked my side so I fell to the floor.
I heard him mutter to the Soldier as he walked out: "that was fun, you should try it out sometime."
I took a slow, quivering breath to avoid crying.
"Y/n, are you okay?" the Soldier knelt down in front of me.
"Um, can you pass me..." I pointed at my clothes while my face was still buried shamefully behind my knees.
He handed them to me, and I slipped them on.
"How long has this been going on?"
"Um. He's done it... he's done it maybe about a dozen times. The first time was uh my tenth birthday."
"Oh my god. I am so sorry."
"Whatever" I frowned and stood up, fully dressed again. "Come on."
I prepared to fight again, but he was hesitant.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Mhm. Don't go easy on me now."
We fought. I was beating him.
"Don't go easy on me!" I yelled as I hit him aggressively.
I had anger channeling into my attack, a driving force.
I could feel that he was trying his hardest to defend himself as I fought him.
I got him to the floor, and I kneeled down on top of him.
I punched his chest repeatedly, and felt myself be overcome with sadness, my anger was fading away. I started to cry and my punches got weaker.
The Winter Soldier sat up and I slid into his lap. He put his arms around me and I rested my forehead against him, sobbing.
"I- i shouldn't... I can't be crying" I tried to stop myself. "C-crying... it's... I'm weak. I- I'm stupid and weak and- and..."
"No y/n. It's okay. You can cry..."
"No. No. No. No" I shook my head and forced my palms into my eyes.
"Don't do that..."
"I... cant... cry..." I said slowly, controlling my breathing. The tears stopped flowing down my cheeks. "No..."
The Soldier hugged me tighter. It felt strange. He didn't seem like the type of person to just give out hugs. But at the same time it felt nice. No one had given me a hug in a really long time.
"I think we're done with training for today" he sighed.
I nodded slowly. I felt that if I said something I would start crying again. And I wouldn't allow myself to do that.
He walked me back to my room, and stayed with me.
I didn't think he'd be allowed to do that either. So I asked him why.
"Why what?"
"Why... why do you- did you- um, why are you here?"
"In Hydra? I-"
"No. Why are you sitting here with me right now?"
"Do you not want me to? I can go..."
"No, no. I just... why?"
"Because you're upset. And if someone's upset they don't always want to be alone."
"Oh."
I looked down at my lap to avoid eye contact. Did he really care, or like Dreykov, and Natasha, is it only temporary? Just pretending until they can be rid of me.
"You should probably go. Someone is probably looking for you" I said.
He sighed and stood up. He paused and turned at the door as if to say something, but then he left without saying a word.
I regretted it.
I wanted him there.
But as Dreykov had told me before, these things make me weak. I can't make friends; I need to isolate myself. Then I can focus on training, then missions, then more training and more missions.

YEAR: 2014

I got to an angle where I could see them both.
Natasha was still there, but Captain America was my mission. I needed to focus on him.
I stood outside the room they were in to listen.
"I know who killed Fury" Nat said. "Most of the intelligence community doesn't know he exists, the ones that do call him the Winter Soldier. He's credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years."
"So he's a ghost story?" Cap asked.
"Five years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran, somebody shot out my tires near Odessa, we lost control, went straight over a cliff. I pulled us out. But the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer so he shot him. Straight through me. Soviet slug. No rifling. Bye bye bikinis."
"Yeah I bet you look terrible in them now."
"Going after him is a dead end, I've tried. Like you said he's a ghost story."
"Fine. What about the other one?"
"What other one?"
"The girl. There was a girl on the roof, she looked like she was working with him. Do you know who she is?"
I edged closer to the door. I wanted to hear this.
"I..." Nat paused. "Her name is the Winter Widow, she has killed more people than the Winter Soldier, starting when she was seven. She had killed one hundred people by the time she was ten."
"You say she was a widow, like you?"
"Yes. She was taken by the Red Room before she even turned one. She was sent between there and Hydra bases every so often. She worked with the Winter Soldier."
"Do you know her?"
"I... did."
"Do you know how to fight her? In case she comes back."
"Yes. But she's always been a better fighter than me. And I don't think she'd hesitate to kill me."
She still didn't know I was outside, she didn't know I was, in fact, hesitating.
When I heard them move inside the room, I quickly stepped out the way so as not to be seen.
I let them go.