Red in my Ledger

Chapter Thirty-Nine

SUNDAY EVENING

The others sat in the living room, waiting for Tony to return.
"Any luck?" Steve asked, when he came to join them.
Tony shook his head and collapsed onto the couch.
He had just been to see you.

You had been refusing to leave your room all weekend, refusing to eat anything, refusing to talk to anyone. No one knew about you and Bucky, and you didn't want them to, so you had nothing to say to them.

"No one has any idea what's going on?" Tony asked.
"Maybe its some kind of mental relapse" Yelena suggested.
"Maybe... but what would have triggered it?"
The others said nothing, as they didn't know.
They were quiet as they thought about what to do.
"Barnes" Tony said after a while. "Could you try and talk to her?"
"Me?"
"Yeah... I know you guys don't exactly speak fo each other anymore, but you were her best friend."
"I don't think it will do anything."
Bucky thought it would only make things worse.
"Could you just try? Please?"
Tony was desperate to make sure you were okay.
Bucky sighed and stood.
"Thank you" Tony called as he walked out.
He went to your room and knocked gently.
There was no answer, so he let himself in. You had your back facing the door, curled up in a ball on the bed.
He watched you remain perfectly still, even when he sat down next to you.
"Y/n?"
You ignored him.
"Please say something."
Nothing.
"I'm sorry... this isn't healthy y/n. Could you please at least come and get something to eat?"
You said nothing still. You tried not to cry. You wanted nothing more than to turn around and kiss him and tell him how much you need him. But it was too late for that now. He didn't want that.
Bucky didn't want you anymore.
That's what kept running through your mind.
Bucky knew he wasn't going to get anywhere, so he sighed and left without saying goodbye.
You were thinking it must be so easy for him to just leave you alone.
You thought that this was the problem every time you ever got close to someone, they left.
You thought a little about how life was simpler when you didn't have control over your mind.
You thought about how stupid you were for even considering thinking life was better then. But it was.
Because then, you still had your best friend by your side.
All these different things raced through your mind until your head ached.
Hours passed.
Then your stomach groaned at you.
You knew you should get some food. Bucky had told you to eat. Maybe you should listen.
Your muscles ached as you stretched out your limbs for the first time in what felt like forever.
You rolled over in bed to see the clock, reading just after midnight.
No one would be awake now, surely.
You could get up without seeing anyone, without having to talk to anyone.
You dragged yourself out of bed, out your room, and down to the kitchen.
The cupboard was full, but you only stared at the food inside.
In the end, you decided to have some cereal, so you poured yourself a bowl and sat at the table with it.
You hesitated to eat, playing with your food with your spoon.
You hadn't even had one spoonful yet when someone came to join you.
"Midnight snack?" Yelena asked, going to get one herself.
You said nothing as she sat opposite you with a pack of crisps.
You started to eat your cereal.
Yelena noticed the dark circles under your slightly reddened eyes.
"What's wrong y/n/n?"
You stared down into your bowl.
"You- you know you can tell me anything, right?"
After you didn't respond, she tried to suggest "and if you want, we could just sit in my room and get pissed again."
You considered it, but didn't let her know.
"I'm here if you need y/n" she sighed and got up to go.
"Lena" you called, and she smiled as she turned back to face you. "Can I stay in your room tonight?"
"Of course."
"Thank you" you said quietly.
You left the bowl on the table and got up to go with her.
She put her arm around you as you walked back to her room together.
"Just checking, you're not hoping to get drunk tonight?"
"No. Just wanted some company."
"Of course y/n."
"We can get drunk tomorrow" you smiled lightly.
———
MONDAY

"Has anyone seen y/n?" Tony asked upon entering the kitchen. "She's not in her room."
"Oh, yeah, she's in mine" Yelena replied.
"Is she okay?"
"Mhm. She's sleeping, which I don't think she's done all weekend... I ran into her last night getting a snack and she said she wanted some company."
"Did she say anything else? Tell you what's bothering her?"
"No. But maybe she'll be feeling better when she wakes up."

Despite going back to Yelena's room before one, you didn't fall asleep until about five in the morning.
You therefore stayed in bed until around one in the afternoon.
You decided to get up, and you found the others in the living room. All except Bucky.
They looked at you, but didn't say anything for a moment.
Then Tony stood up.
"Hey" he smiled.
"Hi" you said back, then walked over to join him on the couch.
He gave you a hug before you could sit.
"Are you okay?"
"Hm" you moaned in assurance. It wasn't very convincing.
You sat down between Natasha and Tony.
The others asked questions, but you didn't give any answers. You simply told them you wanted some alone time, and ignored their queries about why.
A while later, Bucky got home. And not alone.
"Hey guys" he greeted everyone when he walked in the room. He made brief eye contact with you before quickly looking away. "I want you to meet someone."
A woman stepped forward.
"This is Sharon. Sharon this is... everyone."
Bucky didn't bother with introductions as he assumed she already knew everyone's names. She wouldn't know you, but Bucky seemed to ignore that fact.
You knew her, though. This woman was the one from Tony's party, who had seen the tattoo. You tried to forget about it.
"How was lunch?" Steve asked them.
"Good" Bucky nodded.
Of course. They had another date.
Bucky looked like he really liked her as he smiled at her.
It was killing you.
You wanted to run and leave.
But if you did that, the others could probably connect the dots.
So you stayed.
"I can't stay long, but it was good to see you guys again" Sharon smiled.
The others waved as Bucky walked out again with Sharon.
You slouched back on the sofa, hoping the cushions would engulf you and hide you from everything and everyone.