Red in my Ledger

Chapter Fourteen

"I heard what you said to Bucky."
I looked up to see Natasha standing outside.
"What were you thinking? Using his code words, you could have put us all in danger!"
"And you think I care?"
"Y/n come on you know you're not the bad guy here..."
"Really? You think I'm not a bad person? I kill people Natasha, and guess what... I enjoy it. I'm not going to change just because you did. I'm not like you."
She didn't say anything, so I continued.
"I don't know. Maybe if you had come back like you promised, we wouldn't be in this situation."
She was silent for a moment, and I noticed the plate in her hand. She saw me looking.
"I thought you might be hungry" she sighed.
"You and I both know that I can go a few more days."
"You need to eat."
"I don't. And I don't need you here trying to look after me."
"I'm just trying to help you. I do care about you y/n."
"You don't care about shit Natasha. I don't want your help so you can fuck off."
—
"We are going to figure something out y/n. I promise" Nat said, just before she walked out. She heard you yell as she shut the door.
"Yeah well last time you promised me something I didn't see you for six years, and you tried to kill me!"
Natasha tried to ignore you, and she walked off to find the others.
Tony, Steve and Bucky were having a meeting about you.
"She's unstable" Steve said. "She should go to jail."
"We can't send her to jail" Natasha decided as she entered and joined the conversation. "For one thing she'd escape pretty quickly."
"Then what do you suggest we do?" Steve asked.
"Keep her here" Tony suggested. "We can keep an eye on her until we figure out how to change her."
"You can't just change her" Bucky shook his head.
"Why not?" Tony questioned. "Natasha went through the same stuff as her, and here she is. So did you."
"I was brainwashed. She wasn't. This is who she is."
"I can fix her-" Tony believed.
"No you can't! She doesn't need fixing. She's not just one of your little machines that you can tinker with until it's perfect. She makes her own choices. She's human. And like every other human on this planet, she just needs someone in her life who can be there for her, and help her. I'm more than happy to be that person because apparently no one else is!"
"I'm trying to-"
"If you want to be there for her, you need to understand that you can't change her with some sort of serum or pills or whatever you were planning on giving her. There is no cure. She's always been like this and it's not going to change overnight."
"Bucky's right, Tony" Nat agreed. "There's not much we can do."
"What about you?" Tony asked. "You were in the Red Room, how did you stop?"
"I wasn't there as long. Y/n was taken as a baby, so she was raised to do this since she was born. She never thought about leaving or running. The Red Room was her home. That, and Dreykov... it was all she had."
"Now she has us. We'll help her" Tony said.
While they had been talking, Steve had snuck out and headed to your cell.
You noticed him before he said a word.
—
"What do you want?" I groaned.
"They're talking about you downstairs."
"So?"
"They just want to help you."
"Yeah? And what about you? Do you want to help me?"
"I think... you killed people. You obviously don't regret it. You should be going to jail."
"Hm. At least you understand that I'm not changing..."
"But Romanoff trusts you. And you're Stark's sister. So I think we should give you a chance."
"Of course you do. Because you have to be so nice and forgiving all the time, right?"
"No. I don't have to be."
"Then why are you helping me? Or trying to? You should do the right thing, and surely the right thing is to send me to jail?"
"Natasha said you'd escape."
"She's not wrong."
He didn't say anything.
"I can't believe you think that patriarchal bullshit actually means something" I said.
"You mean being Captain America?"
"It doesn't mean anything. You just wear a silly costume and carry a shield. You don't mean anything. You think you're special, you're not."
"I don't know what you're trying to do, but it's not going to work."
"I'm not doing anything... why did you even come up here?"
"To check you're okay."
"Whatever."
"You seem close with Bucky, and any friend of his is a friend of mine."
"His friends were Hydra agents. And I don't have friends."
"What about Natasha? What is she?"
"Dead to me."
"And Bucky? He's not your friend?"
I paused before answering. I didn't know what he was anymore.
"No."
"Are you sure about that?"
"He got his memories back, so he has you, and he doesn't need me. I'm just a reminder of everything he went through. That's all he'll think of me whenever he sees me, so yeah I'm sure we're not friends. He was my partner on missions sometimes. Nothing more. He didn't mean anything to me. Now he's not a killer anymore, he's dead to me too."
"You don't mean that."
"You don't know anything about me. It's none of your business anyway."
He sighed with disappointment. He's given up.
"I'm clearly not getting anywhere" he admitted. "We just want to help y/n."
He looked back at me for a second, then finally left me alone.
———
When Bucky came back to see you, you were finally asleep.
You had decided that you might as well let yourself rest, as you knew they weren't letting you out anytime soon.
Bucky sat with his back leaning against the window of your cell until he drifted off and he slowly moved to lie on the floor.
After a while, he awoke again. He was a light sleeper so he had heard you muttering in your sleep.
"Don't- no- don't touch me" you mumbled into your pillow. "Get off. Dont fucking touch me-"
Bucky sat up to see that you were rolling over in bed.
"Get off me" you moaned. "Please. Get off me..."
You were just talking in your sleep, but Bucky wanted to make sure you were okay.
He opened the door of your cell and sat on the bed next to you.
He placed a hand comfortingly on your shoulder, which woke you up. But you didn't know who was there.
You grabbed his arm and flipped him off your bed onto the floor. You leaned over him and went to punch him, but he caught your fist.
"It's okay, it's me" he smiled softly.
You were sitting on top of him, breathing heavily. As your eyes met his, you started to calm down.
He put his arm around you and you rolled onto your side next to him.
"Weiner what are you doing?" you questioned.
"Do you want me to go?"
"N-no..."
—
I felt comfortable, and relaxed for the first time in a while.
He continued to smile at me, which put me at ease for a bit.
Then over his shoulder, I saw the open door of the cell. I quickly looked back at him so he didn't notice that he had left it open.
I shut my eyes and pretended to sleep until I heard him snore softly next to me.
———
When Bucky woke up, you were gone.
But you had left a note.
"I'm going home. I don't want your help."
Bucky got up quickly and ran to find the others.
Natasha was on her way to come see you anyway, so Bucky instantly ran into her.
"She's gone" he said, forcing the note into her hands.
"Shit" Nat replied.