Red in my Ledger

Chapter Thirty-Eight

DAY: FRIDAY

I was feeling much better now. Not at all sick.
I was grateful I had Bucky to look after me the past week. And I know he enjoyed taking care of me too.
I wanted to go find him this morning before someone came to find me for breakfast.
I heard a knock on my door just as I was about to open it.
I swung it open and before I knew what was happening, I was lifted off my feet.
I couldn't help giggling as he spun around while holding me in the air.
"Buck, stop!" I cried, worried someone would come and see us. "What are you doing?"
"Well..." he put me down on my feet and faced me with a large grin that I just had to smile back at. "The others all left for a day of shopping. And I was given strict orders to look after you, so that's what I'm going to do."
"So no one's here?"
"Just us baby."
I smiled wider, before jumping up to kiss him.
He kissed me back but stopped me quickly as he held a finger to my lips.
"We have the whole day for that... come on, I made you breakfast."
He took my hand and dragged me down to the kitchen.
The table was empty except for two empty plates, next to one stacked with pancakes.
I took a seat as Bucky brought over two mugs of hot chocolate topped with cream and marshmallows.
Then he sat in the chair next to me. He sipped his drink, and I laughed as the cream gave him a little moustache.
I helped myself to pancakes, adding some lemon and sugar for flavour.
"So what do you want to do today?" he asked.
"I don't know. Watch a movie in your room?"
"Oh come on."
"What?"
"We do that all the time. Let's take advantage of the fact that we have the whole tower to ourselves. We can do anything."
"Did you have anything in mind?"
Bucky paused to think, then faced me with a grin.
"Let's dance in our underwear" he smirked.
I shook my head with amusement.
"Yeah. We'll finish breakfast, go to the living room, play some music really loud, and dance half naked."
"Sure we will" I sarcastically remarked.
"Okay, seriously then, what do you want to do?"
"I already told you I don't know... why can't we just chill?"
"Cause like I said, that's all we ever do."
"Yeah but that's how I know I'll enjoy it."
"Fine. We can chill. If that's what you want."
"Oh but if you're not going to enjoy it, then I don't want to do it."
"I'll enjoy anything we do, as long as I'm with you."
"If you say so" I laughed.
We finished breakfast, and I cleared the table.
I put the dishes in the sink then turned around to say something, but the room behind me was empty.
"Bucky?" I called.
No response.
I returned to my room, then checked his. No luck.
All the bathrooms I checked were empty too.
I went to the living room. I found him.
My jaw dropped slightly with disbelief as he looked back at me grinning.
He had one foot up on the couch and his hands on his hips, posing in his boxers.
"What are you doing?" I giggled at him.
"You don't have to join me. But I said I wanted to dance in my underwear, so I'm going to do just that." 
He picked up the remote and pressed a button, and music started playing through the speakers.
I laughed as he jumped on the couch and started bouncing up and down on the cushions.
I raised an eyebrow as he launched off the sofa and landed in front of me, still moving to the music.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him, then spun me around in front of him.
I giggled as I twirled, then I pressed myself against his chest.
"This isn't fair doll. You still have clothes on."
"Feel free to change that."
Bucky smirked as his hands moved from the sides of my waist to the hem of my top. He pushed it up and pulled it off over my head as I pushed down my joggers. I stepped out of them, standing in just underwear and my bra now.
He wrapped his arms around me again, our bare skin touching, feeling a warm and comforting touch.
Bucky gently placed his lips down on mine and I kissed him for a moment, before stepping back and glancing at him teasingly.
I ran over and hopped onto the couch.
The music was still blasting at full volume and I moved my hips to the rhythm, closing my eyes as I enjoyed myself.
-
Bucky paused to admire you. Just everything. Every part of you he loved. Every part of you made him smile.
You were dancing with your eyes closed so didn't notice his eyes scan up and down your body.
When the song ended, you stopped and looked at Bucky.
He grinned as he walked over to you, tilting his head up as still stood above him on the couch.
You lowered your face over his and caught his lips.
He held onto you as you kissed. When you were in his arms, you jumped off the couch and wrapped your legs around him to hold yourself up.
Bucky turned and collapsed onto the couch; you landed on top of him.
You stayed locked in a kiss the entire time.
---
"Miss Stark, your brother has arrived home."
Bucky looked down at you under his arm. You had asked Jarvis to let you know when Tony got home so you could get dressed, but you had fallen asleep.
Bucky carefully pushed you off his lap and went to pick your top off the floor.
He wasn't sure whether to wake you; he assumed you would get up when he put your top on you.
You didn't.
He put on your joggers, then considered carrying you back to your room.
He heard footsteps outside, which made the decision for him. So he hurried out the door at the other end of the room.
Tony opened a different door, and walked in followed by Steve, Natasha and Yelena.
The back of the couch was facing them so they didn't see you immediately.
"I cannot believe you just straight up bought three new laptops" Yelena laughed.
"I mean, I got the money" Tony grinned.
"But there are so much more better things you can spend the money on. Why waste it on basic tech you don't need?"
"Because why not?... Steve, where's the bag with the stuff I bought y/n. I wanna go give it to her..."
"Oh, yeah, hang on" Steve started looking through the bags.
"Uh, Tony" Natasha interrupted and gestured at the couch.
Tony walked around, and smiled when he saw you laying across it, sleeping.
Just then, you finally awoke. You opened your eyes and instantly met Tony's looking back at you as he smiled.
"That's not creepy" you muttered and temporarily closed your eyes again.
You suddenly sat up and took in your surroundings when you remembered what you had been doing before you fell asleep.
Your clothes were on and Bucky was nowhere in sight.
You glanced at the others in the room.
"When did you guys get back?"
"About two minutes ago" Nat said. "You been up to much?"
"No not really" you lied.
After your mini dance party with Bucky, you had played some card games, then some board games, then you made lunch together, then you watched a movie, then you fell asleep. It was late afternoon now.
"Have you spoken to Barnes? ... I did tell him to try and get along while you were alone today" Tony informed you.
"Oh, yeah, no not really. We ate breakfast and lunch together. Didn't talk."
"Fair enough. Didn't expect you too."
"Is he in his room?" Steve asked.
You shrugged. You really didn't know.
"So, um, how was shopping?"
"Good" Steve replied.
"Bought a lot of shit" Yelena pointed at where everyone had piled up their bags.
You listened as the others told you what they had bought.
Tony had bought you some things: a hoodie, a bracelet, some chocolates, and a teddy.
"You know, I just thought you might like them. Help you feel a bit better after being sick this week."
"Thanks Tony. I really appreciate it."
"And I would've invited you to come with us, but I needed to talk to the others in private about your surprise party."
"My what?"
"Well, your birthday is next Saturday, and I thought it would be nice if we all did something together."
"Oh... if it's a surprise party, why are you telling me?"
"Because honestly I don't know if you like surprises or not, and the idea of about a hundred people jumping out and screaming at you."
"I don't."
"Didn't think so. But also, I thought we should ask you if you wanted a party at all, after what happened at the last one, I wasn't sure."
You paused as you recalled the events of the last Stark party.
"I think, maybe, I'm over it a bit more now. I could probably try a party again."
"Great. And if you want to abandon ship halfway through, one or two of us can come sit in your room with you to keep you company."
"Sounds good. So party next Saturday night?"
"Looking forward to it."
---
That evening, you tried to find Bucky, but had no luck. Then you remembered his date.
You returned to your room, and waited up for him.
It was almost midnight, and he hadn't come yet so you were thinking maybe he wasn't going to.
But then you heard a knock on the door. You stayed in bed as Bucky opened it and came to sit next to you.
"Hey baby" you smiled up at him.
Bucky didn't say anything. He wasn't looking at you.
"Buck, you okay?"
He slowly turned his head with no expression on his face.
"Yeah" he said.
"Sure?"
"Mhm."
You were unconvinced.
Bucky put his hand on your shoulder and stroked it slightly.
"Steve told me about the party next weekend."
"Yeah. It's kinda my birthday."
"I remember... y/n can we go together?"
"...I don't- I'm not ready for the others to know yet."
Bucky took his arm off you and looks down at the floor.
You sat up in bed.
"I'm sorry-"
"Its been a month y/n."
"I know."
"I don't know if I can wait anymore."
"What?"
Bucky sighed and lifted his head up from the floor to look at the wall, then slowly turned to face you.
"You know I love you doll... but I don't think you feel the same way" he looked away again. "I just think I deserve more than that."
The room was dark and he wasn't looking at you anyway; he didn't see the tears form on your eyes.
You quickly tried to wipe your eyes before he could notice.
"Um, yeah" you said normally, heartbroken on the inside. "Sure... you're right. You do deserve more than me, and... and if I can't-" you paused as you felt your voice about to break, and you swallowed before you began again. "I'm not enough for you so... I- I think you should just go."
Bucky hesitated but didn't say another word before getting up and walking over to the door.
You wished he would turn back and see the tears in your eyes and realise you didn't want him to leave and he would change his mind.
He didn't.
He walked out, quietly pulling the door shut behind him.
Your jaw dropped as you took slow deep breaths to avoid crying.
You hated yourself.
Why couldn't you just tell him?