inside my head

love me harder dammit

is that to much to ask? to love me louder. you say you feel it but where is that feeling. you act like my feelings mean nothing. if its not to you its nothing. only good happy little kitty only perfect spoiling little kitten.

where the hell does that leave me. i need you to hold me now. when im shaking and crying and wishing i could just die. where are you then? on the other side of the world, having fun ignoring me because you just want me to be your freaking perfect child.

im not a perfect child.

love me louder when i need it. i need your touch your i love yous tell me why. because i dont understand it. i dont love me so why the hell should you is it all a lie and that all? some big joke to come in and strangle whats left of me.

stop ignoring this. just pretending it doesnt happen. accept it please just love me louder. love me harder. love ME.

you were going to love me. i counted down the days. the weeks, the months. i put it all on that one moments but youve crushed it like a saltine cracker in chilly.

i planned it out like a road map. Friday your place get you ready pack everything. sleep next to you and feel that warmth that takes these bone chilling shivers away.

Saturday my place. im polished and ready and dressed to impress you. we go. we walk. that moment is captured when you and i are standing together in our polished skins.

they play that song. that song that we dance to slowly. and i know you. youd look at me. and if i tried hard enough youd look at me like you used to when you realized you thought i was beautiful in a different way.

that one look would lead to the best feeling. the feeling i havent had in a long time. happiness. not polluted by this sickness.

id kiss you then no matter what. and the rest of the night would be a haze after that moment.

wed go home. youd hold me and id sleep in that warmth. that safeness.

its gone now because you took it from me. not on purpose but you took it and called me stupid for it.

called my feelings stupid for it.

its not stupid for me. not stupid at all. its the most important thing in the world.

i want you to love me because i dont feel it. its not getting to me. its not there. your not giving it. your going away happy and leaving me again to drown in this. could i just die please so this goes away.

i want to disappear. i want you to let me disappear. just to float away. and be in the reeds where the water is on your feet and the water makes sounds like music and nothing touches you again because your body is no longer there. just your soul. in happiness.

can you love me or kill me... no more of a little bit of each ok? pick one please...