inside my head

resting

i am resting now. i feel tired today. like the world went to fast around me. getting used to the new batch of pills is always a little tough.

i piked up my room so it is no longer making me uncomfortable. and i lit a nice incense to help perfume the air. then i opened the windows to let in fresh air.

the room is refreshed but i am not.

my head hurts again. and im tired of people today.

moody was taken to a detention center. his mom let me send her an email to print off and give to him so he can start sending me letters. im glad that we can talk now.

i worry about him. his mom said hes been having some adjustment issues.

i want to see carl this weekend and play baseball with his family but that will be hard.

his mom is really terrible.

carl has become friends with maggie again somehow and i want to strangle him for making me look and feel like an ass.

i also would like to strangle maggie for being an ass.

my head hurts. that smelly chunk of flaming stuff is a little strong. mom asked if i was smoking weed.

mom would kill me before my asthma could if i ever attempted to smoke weed.

i would feel better if carl would reply. his radio silence stages always makes me feel like something is wrong. like im wrong. my needy self is a disgrace.

still it would make me feel better.

i wonder why people make socks with those horrible little lines in the toes.

rotten bastards.

lol bastards sounds like bass turds.

im a juvenile.

im attempting to follow the steps to ease anxiety. rest confortable talk to someone do something you enjoy.

i tried painting a picture in oil paints today for the first time. it went ok.. i set out to paint a rotting apple.. it turned out wrong color and since it was rotten sort of the wrong shape. i turned it into a peach easily. a Georgia peach.

im going to paint it like a post card.

tomorrow in my art classes i will start construction on my master peice. i will be making my moms mothers day gift. i want a human heart sprouting out a graceful black tree. on the limbs i will carv out my sisters names as a family tree. i might even use red glitter...

yes im breaking out the big guns for this statue.

im going to find a way to put the pictures of my sisters on their limbs.

i was thinking adding a noose or something but that would be a little to radical.

mr. voss my art teacher (fake name) said are you sure shell think thats nice when i told him my idea. i said im sure shed think its really sweet from me. i think shell like it. say its interesting and display it somewhere.

she always displays my artwork even if its not that good, the badly drawn horse from the fourth grade that is still on the back door white board is proof.

its funny because i had had so much trouble with sculpture that i begged voss to let me have a different class but he said no just do what you think of and then boom. i started with plaster faces. i made a lot of different ethnicity.

after that i just started to do different stuff. i cant remember them all. i did my uber detailed and textured sunflower, after the sunflower i switched to painting the northern lights with a howling wolf, then i carved out my finger prints on linoleum prints, then i started painting again but gave up on that and made my latest masterpiece mystery the foe wood work painting made entirely out of paint and glaze meant to look like calrs grandmothers house. she has been feeling really sick lately so i made it for her to feel better.

now ill do my moms sculpture and finish painting my peaches.

i really hope it goes well. my confidence in my abilities has gotten better and i did the whole house from nightmare before christmas so i know i can pull off this piece with as much grace as i possibly can.

my mom deserves it. I have been a bad daughter for a while. trying to rebel and break away for myself leaves a guilty taste in my mouth.

we are both looking forward to the relief that will come from my granulation form hell hole high school.

26 days counting this one. tomorrow will be 25. oh what a relief it is.

until later my loves im going to attempt to sleep. i do not want to eat, i just want to sleep.

ta ta