inside my head

teetering.

i feel as if im teetering on an edge for some reason. sort of happy but i cant get this dream out of my mind.

it was about me and moody. we were in a theme park and moody's mom was there.

i was waiting for carl and hanging out with moody because i didnt like anyone else while i was waiting. we were very close. like almost to the point where i was afraid carl would be mad.

we went on this amazing roller coaster that was so high that you just had to free fall in the cart for like two minutes before the ride really started. moody was beside me and i was thinking this is it. this is life. were about to go down and feel alive.

then i felt sad because moody still wanted to die.

after the ride we walked over to a kiddie park in the giant maze of theme park. we sad down on the spinning wheel and laid down on our backs and just looked up at the park that was just outside the entrance but it still seemed so far away and we just spun it slowly with out feet and laid there quiet as a mouse.

i looked at him and i said this is what it is to be alive. just breath in and feel all that happy. the adrenalin that rush from doing stuff that seems amazing.

he looked at me and was real quiet.

i said this is being alive right here. and then his friend came up and jumped on and ruined the peacefulness and i woke up.

i wonder how moody would react to that. 

i sent him my address so he could write to me. he is in juvi now. 

i guess you can only get so angry until a bitch in clogs sends you to the big house.

i don t know why i keep thinking of that dream. of laying on the spinning wheel after the roller coaster.

i think it gives me hope. like after all this is over ill be laying on the spinning wheel having so much peace after the biggest thrill.

im worried though after last nights dream of a horrible homework assignment full of people who are bad for me trying to get close into my life and giving me stress. a certain jones was in that one. a horrible thing because in that dream i had a bit of a crush but was all pissed about something.

i think it was about to turn into my demons in the mirrors dream again.

also i had to go through the funeral of my grandma.

her corpse looked nothing like she did.

these two wildly different dreams are playing over in my head like a bad scary movie.

my big college test is in a week and a half.

i have to do good on this, not because its required but because i just dont want to let myself down.

that notion eases a lot of pressure but still. i just want to know how ill do.

anyways thanks for letting me vent my dreams even though they are lacking detail due to the forgotten details.

i hope one day we all get to lie back on the spinning wheel.

goodnight.