inside my head

a little unwell

I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell... this song came on at work today. Funny how music seems to scream at you all the things your feeling. I've been without medicine for 36 hours... my body is starting to hurt. why is that when I'm off my medicine i feel like I'm experiencing frightening moments of clarity even though everyone is saying that its all a lie? Whats the real reality.. I can feel them all inside talking. Everyone. They scream things that hurt like HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! WHY ARE YOU SO DESPERATE DO YOU REALLY WANNA SPEND YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS! YOUR NOT LIVING. The worst thing they scream is DYING WOULD BE BETTER THAN THIS.

I don't know if they are right or not. That's the scariest part. Sometimes I think dying really would be easier but i am to scared of the consequences. I would love to walk among the reeds of the afterlife and feel the threads of souls around me in the coolness... but I don't want to not breath anymore!

today was horrible. I stabbed my finger with a razor in art class, cut my foot twice on a hard needle stuffed in my sock, and someone stole my car keys. WHO STEALS SOMEONES CAR KEYS! Geez even for high school kids that's low.

moving past the car keys and into the real problems.... My boyfriend is mad at me again for acting so "crazy". By crazy he means saying he acts like he doesn't love me and crying hysterical on and off while hes at a friends house. If i was him id be mad too. I think now. a few minutes ago i would have ended our six years together to hell with the wedding. who knows when that will happen.

have you ever looked at someone and thought they must have a room full of participation trophies? i did at work today. kid wont stop sorting rings and being proud about it. I shouldn't let something little like that but me but I'm so angry at everything. I'm angry at everyone. furious at myself...

i think that's the real reason i take the medicine everyday. I'm angry at being scared, I'm angry at the walls for moving in on me, I'm angry at my parents for not letting me be alive.. maybe I'm just angry at myself for being alive.

If you call this living. No its surviving.. nothing more. living would mean seeing him everyday. seeing the lights in the city i dream of. Living is singing on stage. I miss that the most. where did my voice go? did i swallow it while i choked on my tears? I was never afraid to let myself sing before. now I'm terrified someone will hear me and laugh and i sing as tiny as a mouse into my stomach so no one will hear me. I cant even sing him a lullaby.

singing at all is a rebellion. take that voices get back go back to the hell you crawled out of.

I cant remember when this started but i know the voices came when he left. three days and my sanity was ruined. he says it was a mistake, he panicked. only three little days but my trust is shattered. calling him he is a little monotonous so lets call him Carl. I love Carl. Six years we have been together. our separation happened 2 years ago. it lasted 3 days. we spoke everyday. he called on my birthday and said he was sorry and asked me to be his again. Carl was the only one who understood and who i trusted. I still trust Carl but not like i used to. Now I'm constantly afraid he'll leave again, or see someone prettier and leave, or finally see how crazy i am and get out before he marries me and gets stuck with it..

I wish Carl wasn't mad.. the voices use him the most and hearing him say that its wrong and they are lying helps more than anything. this helps to. letting go helps. I haven't really said any of this out loud before. its feels like taking off your bra after wearing it everywhere for like 15 hours. that feels good if you don't know cause you don't wear a bra.

my awkward is showing so I'm going to end this now. i think. maybe. I don't know anymore. three more days until i finally get that medicine back. thee more days till my chemicals release me. please hurry.

p.s tomorrow is Carl's birthday... please let me be stronger tomorrow. please.