Even two years after it all, Kaz was surprised by how fast their coming-of-age had come and gone. After the Ice Court job, they were all different people, all starting new roles they would only grow into in the coming years.
Suddenly it was two summers later in Ketterdam and for once, Kaz didn't know what his next move would be. As always, there was an inkling of an idea, the beginnings of a plan. But like the Ice Court job, it was only impossible until he was standing in front of Inej, proposing a mad idea, an insane idea he wasn't even sure he could pull off. And like the Ice Court job, she was a vital part of his grand scheme.
Kaz had never had the courage of his convictions when it came to Inej. She was the only one who could ever make him doubt anyone or anything. He trusted her completely, and he was only starting to admit that it might not necessarily be a bad thing.
When it came it danger being near his beloved Wraith, Kaz began to doubt himself. And it was always around the corner; danger lived in Kaz. Especially now that he was King of the Barrel, everyone was interested in his Queen.
No, Kaz could never give her peace and it troubled him. Why would she ever say yes?
I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm if your cascade ocean wave blues come. Kaz thought. Inej always had to deal with so much shit from everyone. Because she was a girl, because she was Suli, because of what she'd done and been forced to do. Kaz understood, even if it was just a small fraction of what she had to go through.
Inej seemed to think it was enough, and he tried his best to make it so.
Everyone in Ketterdam seems to think love is for show, but I would die for you in secret. But would it be enough if I could never give you peace?
But all of his doubts seemed only magnified a thousand times now that he was standing in front of her. How to say it?
"Inej, would-" Kaz started and then stopped. Saints, he was making a fool of himself.
Inej looked up from the windowsill where she was feeding crows. He was standing by his desk, pretending to examine paperwork while he tried to work up the courage to ask what he wanted.
"What is it, Kaz?" She asked, her head tilting slightly in question.
And then Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, bastard and King of the Barrel and the deadliest boy in Ketterdam, stuttered.
"I-I just..." Inej looked concerned now, possibly worried he was going insane. He was doing this all wrong. "I'm going to say a lot of things in a minute, possibly very stupid and if you want me to shut up just say so and we can forget about it, okay?" Her nod was slow and confused, but a nod nonetheless.
"Your integrity makes me seem small." Kaz began, taking a breath. He could do this. You.. you just are so strong in all the places I can't be. When the world tried to take everything from you, you refused to be nothing and you refused to be the monster it tried to make you. I embraced the monster and I let it become me, and you didn't do that. I don't know how you managed it, but somehow you found the strength when I was weak and let the bad parts take over. It's like I'm wasting your honor.
But you know that I would sit with you in the trenches and that there is no one else I'd rather be fighting beside. I would give you even that wild part of me that makes me do the monstrous things I do if you asked for it. I would give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other. It's like the family that we chose, that makes Jes seem like... like a.. brother. Is it enough?"
Inej was gazing at him thoughtfully. It clearly wasn't what she had expected and she didn't seem to know what to do with it. Before she could comment and before he could lose his nerve, he rushed on.
