To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 51

I snapped out of my thoughts the minute my father finished his speech and the crowd began to applaud.

The funeral was held in St. Patrick's cathedral and although I preferred not to attend, Gwendolyn dragged me out of my hotel room and forced me here in the front seat where everyone cried like they ever gave a shit about him when he was alive.

I was supposed to be crying too tho. I knew I was supposed to be crying. Everyone else was. But my eyes were dry and I didn't know why either because I loved that old man more than I ever admitted and when someone you love dies like this, you are supposed to be destroyed but right now, I was staring into the open casket in front of me, hoping that seeing him one last time would bring me some kind of closure. But I felt...nothing.

"He's not coming back, is he?" Gwen whispered beside me. When I tried to speak, nothing came out. My throat was swollen shut. It'd been that way for the past four days. I shook my head. "He's not."

I could tell she was trying hard to keep it together. Her eyes were rimmed red and from time to time she discreetly brushed the moisture from her cheeks.

A metal bell rang, and the priest's sermon stopped. Relief was instant and dizzying like an enormous pressure had suddenly dissolved. The casket was closed and pallbearers carried it on their shoulders to the hearse. Friends and family followed—aunts, uncles, cousins, distant relations, and friends of the family all supporting each other.

Gwen got up and I reluctantly joined her, watching as relatives trudged past.

"Don't you think it's time you went home?" Brad asked me as I took my fourth shot of whiskey at the bar rented for the wake.

"Why should I?" I asked, watching the party wind down as family and friends began making their goodbyes.

"It's been four days since you left your wife. Look at her." He cocked his head to the other corner of the room and I followed his line of sight to the buffet table. She was there, scooping food on her plate, looking nothing but stunning in her white dress.

At least she was eating. That was one less thing to worry about. I turned away. "She's doing fine without me."

"She's not. She calls my phone every hour asking about you because you still refuse to give her audience or take her calls."

"I'm grieving Brad, can you not grill me right now and stop talking about my wife like she's a perfect dollar. She lied and I don't do liars."

"Edward made her promise, and I think I understand why." He drawled.

I sighed and lifted a hand toward my forehead to massage it. "Look, you don't know shit okay."

"Why does it feel like you're using this as an excuse to run away from what you feel? I know you just lost your old man but don't keep it bottled in and please talk to your wife so I can sleep well at night."

I drained my drink and slapped the glass on the counter with a bang before getting up.

"Where are you going?" Brad asked me, brows furrowed.

"I need some air."

I walked out, finding the nearest exit and breathing heavily once the cool air passed me.

I stuffed my hand in my pocket and looked up at the bleak sky but as I stood there, I got the feeling I wasn't alone—that feeling you usually got when standing behind you—I also didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

"Go back inside, Hope." It was too cold for her out here and I wasn't in the mood to talk. Today I was a ball of negative emotions.

When she didn't say anything, I turned. "I said go back inside,"

"Killian, can we talk?" She took a step forward but I couldn't take the heat of her body so I stepped back.

"There's nothing to talk about. Go inside."

"Please, hear me out."

"Believe me, there is nothing on this earth that will matter enough for me to waste even ten more seconds of my time with you so go back inside." I turned to walk away but she grabbed my hand, making me stop in my tracks, my stomach lurching in anticipation of her lies. 

"It's been hell without you, Killian. The house is not the same without you in it. I miss you and—and, I love you."

"No the fuck you don't," I flung her hand away and turned to glare down at her. "Stop fucking bullshitting me because I don't want to hear it."

Her lips quivered. "Killian I was scared, that's why I didn't tell you. I was freaking scared and I made a mistake but it doesn't change the fact that everything I said that night, I meant it."

I closed my eyes against the adrenaline hitting me straight to the heart. She was lying. It was a lie, an illusion she'd led me to believe. A fucking lie.

"Killian...." Her voice drew me from my thoughts.

"I said stop fucking bullshitting me."

"I never met to hurt you—"

"You did what you had to do." I finished for her. "I get it."

"No, you don't. It's not what you think." She reached out to touch my arm again but I jerked it away from her.

"It's exactly what I think. You asked me to listen and I did and I've given you an answer. I don't believe you nor do I need your pity love. Now go inside."

"Killian please..." A tear fell.

My gut tightened. "You know what, stay."

I turned to leave but she reached to grab my arm the third time tonight. "Killian,  please don't leave. I'll give you all the space you need but please, come home."

The quiver in her voice should've been enough to make me stay but I didn't want to. I yanked my arm away and continued to walk.

"Killian please!" She yelled after me. "This is unfair!"

Unfair?

I stopped and looked back at her, so furiously hurt. "Unfair?!" I shouted. "You know what's unfair? You keeping such a thing from me. I know I'm an asshole but you didn't have to do it. He was my grandfather! The only thing I had left of my mother! You knew this! You knew how much I would do just to keep him alive! Now he's gone and it's your fault! You fucking killed him the moment you decided to keep this a secret!" I ran out of air and found myself heaving for breath. "Still think I'm being unfair."

Her deep breaths continued until she broke into sobs.

"Just stop being fucking greedy and leave me the fuck alone." I spat and walked away from her because I didn't care what she was going to say to me next.