To have and to loathe

• 𝐂hapter 66

My heart wasn't made of stone. It was just like everyone else's, and right now, it hammered against my ribs so painfully I was sure I'd die. 

But I didn't stop.

I squeezed the stirring wheel as I sped down the freeway, trying to exhaust myself, trying not to think. I was running—away from my life, away from my thoughts, away from Hope.

The look on her face when I'd zoomed off taunted me. Hearing the pain in her voice as she begged me to stay wounded my heart. It felt like someone had cracked open my ribs and gripped my beating heart in their hands only to nearly squeeze the life out of it.

The guilt ate me alive. I shouldn't have left her that way, but despite the pain, I did it because I was hurting, because I was scared that if I stayed, I'd only be caging her. I couldn't do that. I couldn't hurt her any more than I already had. So I wanted to go. I wanted to go back to my life where she meant nothing to me.

But how could I ever do that when she'd taken up all the space there was left in my heart?

Grief wracked my body. My hands trembled on the wheel as I drove faster, feeling the choking heat swell over me, so much that breathing became a hassle.

A part of me wondered if I was a coward for leaving—if I was foolish for letting Scott get in my head.

You're too toxic. If you stay in her life she's never going to be happy.

His words burned into my mind.

My sister deserves better. Not a man like you. One with a crappy history and an inability to love.

My throat felt like it'd been swelling up more with every word he'd said, and my chest was so taut that I was being suffocated by my own emotions. 

What the hell did he know about my life?

I drove faster, gripping the wheel so tightly my knuckles turned white.

What the hell did he know about me?

Sweat dripped down my face, stinging my bruised eye. Fuck. Flashes of my memories with Hope flickered through my mind. The times we spent huddled on the couch watching her favorite soap opera. The times when she kissed me before bed and thought I wasn't aware. The times I walked in on her dancing in the kitchen.

My lungs clogged. I was choking on air. I brought the car to a screeching halt In the middle of the road and slopped my head to rest on the wheel, tuning out the loud wails and hunks of cars coming from outside.

I squeezed my eyes shut, heaving in heavy breaths, lost in the war between my mind and my heart.

I was scared, fuck I was scared but beneath all of that fear, there was one thing I was more afraid of. I was more afraid of waking up and knowing she and my baby weren't in my life anymore. I was terrified that, one day, I'd look into her eyes again and see everything we could've been.