Narrator: (Ben) Back at the witches, they're being scolded by the head witch.
First Witch: (Louisiana) You look mad sha.
Hecate: (New Jersey) Oh nah I'm just walking on (speaks in New Jersey) sunshine!
First Witch: Oh well if you're happy...
Hecate: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC
First Witch: Oh.
Hecate: You told M**** his future? And the prophecies?? That was supposed to be our Christmas gift! Now two people (speaks in New Jersey) are dead.
Second Witch: (Massachusetts) Wait, that was the gift? I thought we were just going to get him a five dollar Chipotle gift card again.
Third Witch: (Connecticut) Whoa, whoa let's not get too generous. It was gonna be three.
Hecate: Now I have to make magic to make up for the mess you made! You got anything to say?
First Witch: Geaux Tigers?
Hecate: I'm going to leave now before I make ya sleep with the fishes.
FBI: (off screen) With Jimmy Hoffa's body?
Hecate: YOU AIN'T GONNA FIND HIM
FBI: OH COME ON!
Narrator: Hecate leaves the three witches to their potion brewing.
Second Witch: Okay everyone. This is the most famous part of the play.
Third Witch: I thought the beginning was the most famous part of the play.
Second Witch: Shut up Newyorkachusetts!
Third Witch: (technical glitch)
Second Witch: This is supposedly a real spell, performed by real witches, that really cursed this play.
(Beat)
Second Witch: (pushes third witch ahead) You do it.
Third Witch: You (technical glitch) baby!
Second Witch: Well c'mon Mr. 'First Witch Trial' say the line!
Third Witch: Why don't you say it Salem?
Second Witch: IT WAS IN DANVERS.
First Witch: (speaks in Cajun) I'll do it! Ya big babies.
Second and Third Witch: Sorry.
First Witch:
Round about the cauldron go,
5In the poisoned entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Sweltered venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' th' charmèd pot.
Double, double toil and trouble,
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Narrator: Loui there's more.
First Witch: That's a lot to say without a daiquiri sha.
Narrator: (facepalm)
Hecate: Did you fix it?
Second Witch: We might've just cursed ourselves but yes.
New York: (off screen) Don't worry, he's already cursed, he's New Jersey.
Hecate: (technical glitch) you New York!
King M****: (Cali) GUYS. I need help.
Third Witch: Oh what?
King M****: So long story short, I killed Banquo but then Fleance got away! I need more prophecies!
Second Witch: WHOA, WHOA. In the original prosphy where the hell did we say 'kill Banquo'.
King M****: Well he was played by Texas so I assumed....
First Witch: Fine. M****. No man of woman born will ever harm you.
King M****: Huh. How oddly inclusive for a play written in the 1600s.
Hecate: He means c-section (technical glitch).
King M****: We didn't have c-sections back then.
Second Witch: We did.
King M****: Didn't.
Second Witch: DID.
King M****: DIDN'T.
(One Eternity Later)
Second Witch: 'Until the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries the procedure was known as cesarean operation. This began to change following the publication in 1598 of Jacques Guillimeau's book on midwifery in which he introduced the term "section."'
King M****: (mocking)
Second Witch: Well are you at least happy now?
King M****: Yes. I shouldn't fear Macduff!
Second Witch: That's right.
King M****: I should kill his family just in case!
Second Witch: (speaks in Boston) WHAT?
Third Witch: That's the opposite of what we want!
First Witch: Oh and something about moving forests too. I dunno, I'm drunk.
Hecate: YOU'RE ALWAYS DRUNK!
First Witch: I'll drink to that!
King M****: Thanks guys! Time to raid Fife and kill Macduff's family! (leaves)
Hecate: I outta kill the lot of ya.
Third Witch: You're going to do that just by smell alone.
Hecate: (SCREAMS)
