Cut To The Feeling (Reader x Professor Ren / Kylo Ren)

Baby, It's All Or Nothing

You knew that you were in the worst place you had ever been, you were doing the unspeakable. 

It was the Friday before the official start of the month long Winter Break. You had done nothing since you had seen the email. Nothing other than lay in your bed and cry, only getting up to eat microwaveable bags of frozen corn and possibly take a shower. Your body ached from the stress and the sadness that was coursing through your veins due to everything. You only were certain of a few things. Those things included, one, you missed your best friend more than anything, and you wished that she would talk to you. Two, you hated Katelyn Culvers more than you had ever believed possible. You truly, irrevocably hated her for this. She was an awful person, and you felt gross for ever having felt bad for her when she told you her "origin story." And, three, finally, you were heartbroken over Kylo's words to you. He talked to you like you were absolutely nothing to him, like you had no value whatsoever--like you were disposable. It was completely and totally different from what you had come to know and....like. Because, yes, you would admit to yourself now that you liked him, and the crush hadn't faded by the time he told you to never speak to him again. And that--that was a feeling you loathed. 

So, you had given in. You called your mom. You needed to leave New Orleans for a while, and the only way you could do that was if you talked to her. Plus, you needed someone to talk to, and as strained as things were, she was your mom, and she knew how to help you in times like these. 

The line rang, and she answered.

"Yes?" She asked, clearly still upset. 

"Hey, mom." You said, your throat dry. 

"What's wrong with your voice?" Your mom's tone changed, but just a little. 

"Nothing. I wanted to call to say I'm sorry, and I miss you, and I would really like to come home for the break. If you'll let me," you made yourself say it. You didn't want to be mad at her anymore, but you kept thinking about Chris. 

It didn't matter how you felt about it, though. You needed somewhere to go. 

"It took you too long to apologize to me," she said. You could almost hear her crossing her arms. 

"I know. I don't know what got into me, but I'm really sorry," you sighed. 

"I was going to let you come home anyway. I was surprised you didn't just come home for Thanksgiving anyway."

"I know. I'm sorry." 

"Well, come on home, then. I'll see you when you get here," she said with a motherly tone, hanging up before you could say goodbye. 

And here you were now, laying on your childhood bed. You were two weeks into the break, and you had barely spoken with your mom. Things weren't too weird, and she didn't stay mad at you long. She was just really busy, and you weren't up for much socializing. It was always kind of hard to be in the house. There were still remnants of your dad there. His "game room" was still untouched, mostly at your request. But you didn't dare enter it. You couldn't. 

You spent a lot of your time wondering how Kylo was. You wondered if he hated you. It sure had seemed like it from the way that he spoke to you. You wondered if he was going to go ahead and leave and go back to New York to escape the shitstorm that was on the horizon. You wondered if he thought about you. 

Though Rey was still very much ignoring you, she hadn't blocked you on any of her social medias. You saw a picture of her smiling big and pretty in front of the Tower of London with Finn. You were happy that he had gone home with her. You were so happy she had found a person to give her unending love and loyalty to. She deserved that so much, and he seemed like the perfect person to get that from her. You wondered what kind of things she had told him about you. You wondered if she told him that you were a horrible friend, and you always had been. Those were the kind of thoughts that plagued your mind.