running [h.s]

three

I saw you today for the first time in months. No words were spoken, just silence. It was probably better that way. I can't talk to you without my voice cracking, and I know how you hate it when I cry.

I just sat there, next to you. I felt so close to you, yet so far away. I couldn't tell whether I felt happy or sad in your presence. And of course, the question that has been haunting me for months now.

Why did you leave? I ask myself this everyday day. Maybe going to see you was a bad decision. My oh so sad and beautiful baby. You said you'd be alright. Why did you lie to me? We were both sad and lost. But now I'm just sad and lost and you're floating through the sky.

I remember when I would play in your hair and you'd hum to me. You had such a beautiful voice, Harry. I could fall asleep to the ethereal sound.

But now I barely sleep and the only thing I hear is silence. Sometimes I can hear the thumping of my heart when I'm thinking about you. Which is quite a lot.

I can't help but think that this is all my fault. I'm sorry for smelling like cigarettes and staring at you all the time and laughing too loud and having a shaky voice when you tell me beautiful words that weren't made for people like me. I'm sorry.

I just really need you, Harry. My head hurts all the time from thinking about you and my fingertips burn from trying to draw that look in your eyes over and over again. I can never fucking get it right.

But I'm near the deep end, baby. And this time I don't think I'll swim.