Willa

Chapter Eighteen: Christmas

The mail dropped onto the door mat and Mary excitedly ran over to pick it up, as Erica and I sat and ate our breakfast. It was the first week of December and Christmas cards were arriving thick and fast, which I soon learnt was one of Mary's favourite things about the month.

"Here we go" Erica observed as Mary entered the kitchen with a large grin that must have hurt her cheeks. "She's got another batch to add to the fridge" she added with a smile.

I watched Mary sit and excitedly open the envelopes, one at a time, friends from college, old room mates, Ericas family too, and then the final two cards. I recognised the handwriting before she even opened it, and she hesitated too, obviously sensing the same "my mom" I observe.

Mary nods "yes ... she sends one every year" she muses, and she smiles at me, but it is with a cloaked sadness.

My family had not been in touch yet, almost five months later and they still did not check in. It wasn't something I dwelled on, I didn't want to, but I can't tell you it didn't hurt, because it did. Deep down it was as if someone had pinched me, a pinch that wouldn't release, blood trickling from its grasp. I felt it so constantly that it had became part of my day, that little sharp pain, and eventually like a hostage, I got used to it, relying upon it to remind me that I had survived it.

Mary pulls the card out and another falls down from behind it on the table, and there beside my breakfast plate is Allie and Ben, stood in a loving embrace in-front of some Christmas trees. I lurch backward sending my chair scraping over the Lino "excuse me" I say taking off to my room. I shut the door and sit down on my chair, my head lowered between my legs trying to catch my breath, a wave of nausea coming up my throat. I didn't expect to see that, it was like a punch to the guts. I had pushed thoughts of Ben and Allie so far down I hoped they had suffocated there, but here they were, fresh. Ben and Allie together, romantically, it made me heave. I ran so fast then, almost tripping over a clothes hamper as I made it in time to the toilet bowl to throw up.

Erica came in beside me and stroked my hair "are you okay" she asked.

I nodded "I'm sorry" I whisper as tears and snot run down my face, not a pleasant sight to see.

"Don't apologise" she whispers "Willa it's a trauma what happened to you, and a physical response like this is normal believe it or not... your body is reacting to an intense mental sensation of the trauma you have been through back home. Let it out, all of it... and remember that we love you and will support you through it okay" she says stroking my hair again before getting up and leaving.

I wipe my mouth and blow my nose with some tissue before returning to my room. I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling for an hour or so, trying to settle my nerves before realising Erica and Mary have left for work. It gets the better of me then, the need to read my moms card. I step out of the bedroom and walk slowly to the kitchen. My eyes scan the fridge, but Mary hasn't placed them there, they are bundled with envelopes on the side, she clearly didn't want to upset me by displaying them.

I pull them out from the paper and sit on the nearest chair beside the table. I look again at the picture of Allie and Ben. She appears happy, they look good together. I was sure she must be well, because she was glowing, her cheeks a little fuller, her skin slightly warmer in colour.

Allie looked beautiful.

I take out my moms and this is the one that stings, the entire family, and I mean entire family, all of my siblings, their significant others and children surrounding my mom and dad. A picture that spoke a thousand words, we are United and we are one. Allie and Ben were in the back there, and what I would realise soon, was a bump, that Allie was cradling in her arms. Of course this picture hurt more than the first, because it was the first family picture that I was missing from, and with it going out to everyone we knew, I knew that everyone would know now that I was no longer part of this family group... they had removed me. A loud sob escaped me, more like an animal in pain. I was glad that I was alone then, as it echoed through the house, because it wasn't pretty to witness, such a heart stopping wail.