Willa

Chapter Thirty One: Moving in *

Six or so months later, when Morgan's seniors finished their last baseball season, Morgan handed in her notice and I drove down to her small apartment so we could Uhaul up the west coast together. From Arizona to Oregon.

I can't express how exciting it was to pick her up, and to start our journey together. The energy was brimming, electric almost, to be so excited for the start of our forever, which of course ended before it really began. Three years on reflection was but a flicker of time in life's journey, and I'm glad we never saw that coming, because we lived happily. We dated, we lived together, we got a rescue dog named Bob, and we were just so happy in our little bubble in Oregon.

Morgan and I rented for six months, a little house not too far from Erica and Mary's. It only had two bedrooms but that was more than enough for us. When we eventually found our groove, and Morgan had been back teaching the rival high school to mine for six months or so, we applied for a mortgage and bought a cute little house in the burbs. It was a house that sat between our rival schools, an equal travel to work for us both.

Bliss.

A word that describes this time, tangled in limbs, full to bursting with love and laughter, our friends and family shared, her presence in my life so seamless. Everyone loved Morgan, and they had accepted her into our little world so quickly, even Teddy, who was much too used to having me all to herself. Teddy perhaps began to prefer Morgan to me, much to my dismay, but Morgan took her on in our day to day and did not mind a bit coming to Saturday morning basketball, and watching me coach Teddy's team.

***
The following summer we would travel to Idaho where I would introduce Morgan to the family for the first time. My siblings and parents would meet my girlfriend. It was a terrifying prospect when they didn't even know about her, and they hadn't had to see me with a woman yet. The worst part though was Allie, she didn't know about Morgan either. I should have told her, of the love in my life and the happiness I was experiencing. I couldn't ever do it though. I came so close to telling her all about her when Morgan had moved up, but it never seemed a good time. Allie had been having a tough year, my mom had told me on the phone that they had been finding it hard to have another baby, something she said was starting to effect Allie. I still spoke with Allie and Harper all the time, and I received emails regularly too, but Allie never did tell me about her journey to baby number two or how it had been full of loss's so great they could have potentially claimed her too. I would find out on the trip, as she miscarried her fourth, that she was barely holding on at this point in her life, and what I saw scared me. How had she got so lost when I thought she was happy there? Why didn't I see it?! I felt like I had failed her in some way as her best friend. The day I went to hold her, why didn't I push her to tell me, so that I could help her, so I could have done more. The first day of the trip I would find her in her bed, and hold her, as she confessed that she was losing her baby, and for the first time I could be there, to hold her as it happened, to make sure she felt loved and supported. I would help hold her head above water as the waves of loss and pain threatened to drag her back under. When I think back to that day and night, and what we experienced together...I feel like it changed us both a little. Allie came to the end of her journey with Ben, and I realised the truth, that Allie had not been in bliss for eight years... she had been in some kind of limbo. She was in the boarder place, between heaven and hell, where as described 'Souls though not condemned to punishment, are deprived of the joy of eternal existence with god in heaven' and I think for me, that's how she must have felt. Other than when she was with Harper, she wasn't thriving or living her full life. Allie was in torment, and she would leave that second day of the trip, returning home to grieve alone... something that made me feel helpless as the trip unfolded. I didn't want to be there, among the family. I wanted to be holding Allie as she went through the transition, as life for her got dark, but it wasn't my place. Ben was her husband, yet he did not return with her, which always, always, irked me. If you take this beautiful woman as your wife, this angelic creature, than my god you take care of her, and you fucking put her first above all else. I wanted to scream "Go home and fucking hold her Ben".